I saw that my thighs and upper legs were a little bit flabby compared with everywhere else which had shrunk a little bit because of exercises and walking I’ve been doing recently. I decided to download an app with exercise plans specifically designed for that part of the body. I did two sets of exercises. However, this morning and for the whole of today, I’ve been regretting it. I can feel the muscles in my thighs aching. I know that it goes off after you’ve got used to it, but the aches feel like they’re pushing on my knee cap and making my thigh muscles feel heavy. I tried to do some of the exercises today but it hurts too much to really do them properly.
I do need a break. I know that I said that I was having a break. I ended up going for a few long walks this week. It wasn’t as much as last week though. I like walking with music in my ears to have a break from life. It’s my me time and obviously also has the added benefit of keeping my weight under control while on medication. I haven’t really got a lot to say tonight. I’m too tired to say any more. The new medication I’m on really helps with sleep. I actually feel like I am ready to sleep when I get to bed at night. I’ve never been great at sleeping since I was a child. I wake up very early each day since I have been on my new medication. I can’t believe how chilled they make me feel. I’m so used to feeling wound up and hormonal constantly throughout my life. I actually find this chilled laid back feeling quite nice because that was never my character. I was always stress and intense but I’d rather be like this because I feel more at peace.
I would just like to touch on tonight’s programme on channel 5. It was on quite late but it may have been a repeat. I never really watch things in the early evening. I prefer to sit down to watch whatever I find on television later on in the evening. I watched ‘My OCD Life’ and literally felt their pain. I have been at the stage where I’ve been in tears because so many thoughts are going around my head which are intrusive and exhausting. It takes so much effort to say tell yourself that the ocd side isn’t going to beat you. I kept saying to myself that I am a good person without my ocd side. But, with my ocd side, I am a bad person. I was quite cruel to myself. I basically told myself that if I didn’t get rid of that side of me, then I’d be a bad person forever.
I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (it has been suggested PDA in the past but not formally diagnosed). The worse part of it for me is the ocd aspects. These are the thoughts constantly telling you things which in turn completely controls your behaviour. It does get worse by stress and anxiety. The things that people did around me were counterproductive because that is all they laid onto me. I didn’t need it. It made my OCD ten times worse, which is what others didn’t want either. Other people have perceived my OCD wrongly throughout my life. I have tried to explain how it works, however, I feel that no one can understand where I’m coming from. I am aware that I’m not very skilled at explaining things because I see things in a very different perspective from an average person. I can see things very black and white, but also many details that others can’t see. I want to share how I got over my OCD thoughts and the behaviours that came with it.
OCD always manifests out of fears that we have deep rooted inside of us. We don’t even have a clue they actually exist until we really stop and think about our unconscious thought patterns. I always knew that I was quite disappointed about not having the kind of Mother that others had (I know not everyone does, but it’s how I perceived it when I saw things around me). I also would have loved to have had sisters that I was actually close to. That never happened either. Therefore the whole of my life was spent looking for others to fill that void. Every time I met someone that remotely made me feel like I’d filled that void, I messed it up because of other thoughts that went around my head. I used to fear being lonely, so I would cling onto anyone because I didn’t want to end up alone. I now do not even care about being alone. I’ve put a stop to those thoughts because I got over my fear. I’m actually the opposite nowadays. I prefer being alone. I made peace with that part of me that was still a child crying out to be loved and didn’t want to be alone. That is the only way to really control ocd.
I’m not going to stand there and be told by others that the services didn’t let me down. I know for a fact that they did let me down. I refuse to be told by those that weren’t there that I wasn’t let down. Other’s didn’t see or experience what went on behind closed doors. Certain professionals within the services will say that I wasn’t let down to protect themselves. I refuse to be told that I’m lying about what happened with my support. The only people who truly know what went on is me and those involved. If people really want to know what my ‘support’ did mostly for me then I will say it right now.
I was taken for a drink down the local café once a week. That was my funded ‘support’. They didn’t do anything else okay. I’m fed up of others accusing me of lying about things when they weren’t there. They only have hear say to go by and the services or local authority aren’t going to be honest in regards to how they’ve let me down if anyone asks them. I didn’t ask anyone to get in trouble for letting me down. I just wish that people would believe me rather than believing my so called support’s version. I never got supported in a way that people with Autism should. I’m sorry but just because others won’t tell the truth, it doesn’t mean that my version is a lie. I have people that can back me up about what my support did and didn’t do.
I would like to point out that I don’t run this blog to get at anyone else. That was never my intention. I talk about all the times I have been discriminated against. However, it may seem that I’m talking about one thing. This isn’t the case. I’ve been treated badly all my life by different people who don’t understand my PDA type Autism. It is far too complex for me to split everything up when writing about it because it would be too difficult. I don’t have high enough education levels to be able to do that type of writing. That is due to being kicked out of school because they didn’t even know what Autism was at that point. I wasn’t even diagnosed until after I finished school at 16.
Those that know me are aware that I never retaliate unless I’m pushed really far. In all the situations I’ve been in, they’ve pushed me continually until I’ve snapped back. I wasn’t aware of absolutely anything that was going on behind my back for almost 2 years and if others hadn’t spoken to me via social media then I’d still be in the dark. It isn’t fair to continue to hold someone responsible for things that they weren’t even informed about. I never had an input if I wasn’t told about certain aspects of situations. That is what it is like being in the system. If I’d have known I’m not the type of person that would have continued doing what I was doing because I cared about other people okay.
I cannot get rid of my PDA. That isn’t possible. If I couldn’t walk then I couldn’t get rid of the disability… it is the same difference. Others have to at least try to be a little bit more understanding. I can’t lose my disability by going on a few courses. I can’t lose how my past has affected me through going on a few courses. I’m not trying to get at any one but others refuse to see any progression unless I’ve lost my PDA side. Maybe they should get educated about it before they start giving me a hard time.
I wouldn’t not want to be female but there are certain things I’d wish to change about being female. One thing is obviously the monthlies because mine have gone absolutely ridiculous over the last couple of years. I feel fat today but it’s not fat because I’ve got solid muscles due to exercising (and walking up to 60 miles last week). It’s just water which has even bloated my thighs this month. I don’t normally walk that much or do the exercises that I’ve been doing. I go the Gym normally (really have to go more due to my monthly membership being wasted). It takes time to adjust to new routines. Obviously, the bloat is my body complaining about being pushed that far. It definitely promotes more weight loss if you have a week’s break. I have a lot of revision to do as my law exam is in two weeks. I’m taking this as my break because I’ve got no more time left to learn anything.
Another thing that really bugs me about being female is guys chatting me up randomly. I am walking down the street today and get approached by an Irish guy. He calls me over to the side of some flats down the local town. I didn’t go too close but followed him. He asks me “Where is your boyfriend?”. I told him I don’t want one. He goes where do you live. I said “Round here but I’m not saying where”. Then he goes ‘Do you want to go for a drink some time?” and I’m like “No”. We then parted and I walked away feeling a little wound up because I really hate that kind of thing. Granted, he had the most beautiful blue eyes but I just have absolutely no interest whatsoever. Even if a woman asked me out I’d still say no. I just don’t have any desires in that department.
Although I am grateful and enjoy my work at Fledglings. I am unable to afford to do work for free. I don’t mind still doing that in my free time. However, I need a paid job. I would only need a few hours a week to make up how much I’ve lost per month due to PIP issues. I’ve worked in a charity shop many years ago. It’s not work that I enjoyed but it’s experience. I would work in a shop for a few hours a week if I could make up the money that I’ve lost. It’s not a job that I would ideally like to do but money is money at the end of the day. I’ve also modelled in a charity fashion show for sustainable living project back in Cambridgeshire where I previously lived. I had a week’s work experience at the Cambridge Evening News. I struggled with the communication side of it but I’m a lot better nowadays.
I cannot work more than 16 hours per week otherwise I will lose my other benefits. I can even be paid less than other employees because I’m not allowed to earn more than £125 per week. That is approximately £40 a day if I do only 3 days per week for someone. I’m not sure if my ESA benefit is stable as now PIP (also part of the DWP) has told me that they don’t feel I am disabled enough then they could legally leave me with nothing to live on. I don’t even qualify for income support and I’m in no way able enough to claim job seekers.
I am not going to list every single qualification that I have, only the main ones that are more specific. I’ve done a lot of things but many aren’t relevant for this. I now have my GCSE’s in English (C), Psychology (C), Sociology (B) and Biology (C). I’m currently at college trying to get my Maths GCSE. I have already got Level 1 Functional Skills in Maths. Other level 2 qualifications include, Equality and Diversity Certificate, ECDL Level 1 and 2 (computer qualification administration based). I have a Level 3 qualification which is a BTEC in Media Production: Film and TV, grades Distinction, Merit, Merit.
I may not remember all of the things I did on my courses. However, all I need is a walk through of my role and I can take it from there. I’m an independent worker and if something needs doing I will work throughout the night to get it finished by the next morning. I’m based in Leicestershire and have a Car (unless at some point I cannot afford it, if not I will be using the bus etc) to get to wherever the job may be). I am always on time for 9 am to 9.30 am in the morning starts. I can get proof of that from college. Ideally I’d like a job in Media or Admin but I’d consider other things. I am probably going to be better at the roles I’ve actually qualified in, but I’ll try anything new.
Well you know where I am if you’re interested. I do not want anyone to abuse my email address so I’m giving one out that isn’t my main one, however I do check it. If you want to give me a job please drop me a line at email@example.com
I have hay fever which is something I’m used to which happens every year. I’m not that fussed about that because I’ve had that all my life. I’ve had the bumps all over my hands every year for many years, but this year they seem to be ten times worse. They don’t look too bad on the photo below but they keep going raw with soreness. I’m trying not to scratch them when they itch. I’m feeling quite bloated and swollen. I really shouldn’t be as I’ve walked about 60 miles this week. I should have lost all that bulk. I hope I’m not reacting to my new medication because mentally it’s helping a lot. I’m normally tearful at this time of the month. I don’t feel so lost and emotional. I want to try to stay on them.
Sometimes the allergy goes away after the first fortnight on a medication. It’s not just my stomach that is bloaty but also my thighs. I have actually been up in the morning with this medication. I used to like to sleep throughout the day. I really don’t want to be allergic to medication so I’m hoping that it is the weather and pollen.