Today I feel like …

I don’t want to get up today. It is nearly 2pm so I have to soon. The cats are fed at 3. I start getting nudged by them because they know exactly when their feeding time is. They always have dry food down but they have the wet food at their feeding time. I have had Mimi nibble and claw my arm not just nudges. Mister is very vocal when he wants something. He will literally meow at me until I do it.

I’m so tired and feel lost. I woke up cold  so I switchd the electric blanket on. It is now making me fall asleep though. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t stand things as they remain. It would be a huge help to me if others were accommodating of my pda. I’m not asking for acceptance, but just to make my life less complicated. I didn’t chose to be born with my disability. Others did make conscious choices to sanction me for behaviour that is innate. That is what pda is about. I may have calmed down with maturity but it is ‘in build’. That means that the things that have been done to me is just like parents giving their autistic children bleach to drink in order to get rid of negative behaviour. I am traumatised and it physically affects me. I never was as open about the physical effects of pda. However, being constantly highly anxious can cause all that I experience.  It’s not fair to keep things as they are because it gets to me. It’s caused me to become traumatised. I’ve been through a lot in this area due to the system.

However, all the recent things have triggered me being traumatised. I long for others to be kind but I know that is never going to be because they see my disability in the wrong way. I’m seen as an awful person because of the lack of understanding. Those with physical conditions get treated with respect and the majority of people are loving towards them. This doesn’t happen when you have something wrong with your brain. People are cruel and judgemental and if you try to stand up for yourself then others punish you even worse. I just want it to change because every day things being the way they are make me tired. I can’t move on to better things due to the criminal label. I can’t get the career I always wanted and when I tried to have a family they took my child and placed him for adoption. If people understood mental related conditions then I wouldn’t have gone through any of this and be left with just an empty shell of a life. Others could help me but they refuse to do so. It would just take a few people to be supportive of me, especially in authority, to completely make over my life into a worthwhile existence.


Long day!!!

It has felt like a long day despite me only having got up this afternoon. I didn’t sleep last night. It wasn’t even dreams but I just couldn’t settle. I actually fell asleep at 8am this morning and woke up about 2pm. I only got about 5 hours sleep.  I’m quite tired now. I have literally been on the go since I got up earlier. I did a few bits of housework after I woke up. I then went for an hours walk to basically wake myself up properly.

I went to the supermarket for my weekly food shop. That took me over an hour because I went to the bigger supermarket about a 20 minutes drive away. The shopping basket was like a gym weight. I should have got a trolley but I don’t like dragging a trolley around with me, plus I’m on the short side so those bigger trolleys mean I can’t even reach things in them. I get around the being short thing by climbing up shelves etc. It would definitely be frowned upon by health and safety nowadays. I kept changing arms to carry the basket around the supermarket. I make it look easy but I assure you that the basket hurt my arms and it is very irritating when the product I wish to buy is on the highest shelf in the supermarket aisle. That was the case when I went to buy cat food a few days ago. I can’t buy an alternative because Mimi (cat) refuses to eat anything but a particular brand and type.

She’s always been quite a fussy cat. She has certain behaviours that I haven’t managed to train her to modify certain habits. The fussy with food thing isn’t that problematic. The worse habit she has is doing her business right at the side of the litter tray. It’s worse when she goes a number 2 because it doesn’t actually land in the tray but outside and I hear her trying to cover it, she tears at the newspaper around the tray and sometimes has caused a huge mess. I caught her going for a number 2 last night. I saw the way she had positioned herself and moved her into the middle of the tray. She didn’t seem to mind and just carried on. I have tried everything else to stop her going around the edge. The only thing left is for me to physically move her when she is about to use the tray.  I don’t know if it’s her eye sight or some kind of behaviour issue but she has to learn because she makes a huge mess regularly. The other two (both tom cats) aren’t bothered what they eat and they use the litter tray correctly. I try to make sure the tom cats don’t bother her. I fostered a female cat for about 4 months and she hated her. That was before the tom cat that hangs around now turned up. She is used to other cats because she was paired with her brother when I got them from their previous owner. There were small children in their former home which could have had an impact on her. It took a few years for her to not be timid and scared. Both of them have always been wary of people. I went through a period of being afraid when the door buzzer rang and hid… they do the exact same thing now so they obviously saw me do it and assumed that this was how to react to the door buzzer or anyone who even knocks the front door of my flat. I still get very anxious and literally feel shaky when I answer the door. I’m more able to tell myself that I have to do certain things regardless of how much it petrifies me nowadays.

Anyway, back to today. I had something to eat when I got back from my food shop. I watched the television for about an hour (soaps were on). Then I went for a two and a half Gym session. On my breaks at the Gym I was working on the online art project where I’m now part of management and quite recently have been given my own wing (group) to manage… the creative journaling wing. I wasn’t keen on the Gym, but at the same time I’m not keen on gaining more weight either. I feel bloated right now anyway so that makes me feel fat. I am one of those people that just hold onto water. It is all to do with hormone changes. I even feel fluid in my ankles. I found a way around that recently though. I put detox patches on my ankles. They felt so much better after I took the pad off the next day. I did it on my stomach too and it noticeably looked flatter after I took the pad off. The pads are designed to go on the soles of your feet but I honestly don’t feel or see the benefit of putting them there. In a few days I’m going to have to do it again because hormones are already causing me to bloat with fluid. It gets to a level where it gets uncomfortable. There have been many that are sceptical in regards to detox foot pads but they seem to work for me. However, there are many fakes on the market and if you buy a pack of those then all you get is sticky stuff on your feet when they are removed. The fakes tend to be green tinged muck rather than brown tinged.

On the topic of trauma associated with PTSD symptoms…

I would just like to point out that this isn’t just about what has happened recently. The most recent things that have gone on is very tiny compared to the grand scale of things as a whole. I’ll never be truly over what has happened recently but it’s not bugging me as much as it has done previously. I don’t want anyone to read this assuming that it is solely about the most recent events. The whole blame cannot be pointed in one direction because it is a number of things, over many years that has made me the way I am right now.

I may be over many of the events that have happened to me over the years due to others not understanding aspects of my disability and misunderstanding my intentions, however, I’ve found recently as I’ve got older that certain things haunt me. I’ve never been the type to think about things… which fully explains the times I’ve retaliated to things that have upset me without seeing the implications which could stem from those actions. I thought maturity would help but it’s made everything I’ve ever been through hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t feel that it is a positive thing to be a ‘thinker’ and weigh things up in my head because I’ve become traumatised.

The things that I’ve experienced which were quite awful keep flashing back in my head. That isn’t the worse part of the effects of being traumatised. The dreams are worse than the flashbacks. I don’t get barely any rest because I have a nightmare type dream and I end up waking up constantly. I don’t know if I’m just depressed in general or the lack of proper sleep is making me feel absolutely miserable. I increased the dosage of my anti depressants but I feel worse. I don’t feel that anything will really help me while I live in this area. I don’t trust anyone because every time in the past when I’ve let my guard down awful things have happened. I feel uncomfortable in this county. I don’t have the resources to move away at this moment in time but if someone gave me the opportunity or the money to find somewhere else (enough money to live off while my benefits get swapped over to universal credit – if someone moves areas now the ESA benefit gets stopped and your housing benefit is given every month to you in one payment within universal credit benefit). I don’t think I can just move without giving notice on my flat and I wouldn’t do this unless I had secured somewhere to move into.

I don’t think anything else is going to help but to move away. I’ve met too many cruel people in this county. It shows because this county is the only place I’ve been labelled a criminal for my disability. I need to start again somewhere else. I knew that I never should have came back here. I felt that when I was pregnant with my son but I stupidly didn’t listen to it and got burnt again when I lost him to adoption soon after his birth. I literally have no happy memories here. Even the happy times were always overshadowed by something negative happening. I felt happier when I had moved away from here. I can’t go anywhere around here without some negative memory being associated with certain places. I won’t be mentioning my past anywhere I go if I move away because I don’t want to be judged again. I’m not the same person anymore, but I will always have my disability and if it’s PDA (still attempting to get it confirmed) then I will definitely need understanding of others in order to be able to live my life. That is something that no one has ever been willing to do because they see the Asperger Syndrome label and assume that I am more normal than abnormal.

I’ve always known that I wasn’t on that part of the spectrum and that hasn’t helped with others coming to the wrong conclusions. PDA is probably the most frustrating part of the spectrum to be on. Severe Autism means that at least you’re unaware of how much you struggle because you’re in your own world. Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism is where you have the intelligence to understand the world around you. However, PDA is the part where the worlds logic completely baffles you. It’s like being a child in an adults body. The learning difficulties that you have can be quite frustrating because it takes you twice as much time to understand anything to do with social or logic based things. I have coordination issues that get on my nerves. I’m just clumsy and it’s annoying. I can fall over my own feet. This could be from when I had seizures growing up because when I had one my whole left side went floppy for a few minutes afterward. It was the weirdest feeling ever because my limbs on that side felt like rubber and extremely heavy. I couldn’t speak properly either because all my muscles lost function on that side. I also was treated with anti convulsion medication which was way too strong for me (this was later proven when a local hospital doctor got investigated). I honestly don’t feel that I’d have got away without some form of brain damage which may have materialised as a form of Autism. I can actually feel some of the damage as my left sides muscles are still weaker than my right. Brain damage can result in behaviour problems. I know for a fact that other children treated by the disgraced doctor grew up to have behaviour issues and learning disabilities. 

Being an ineffective person that doesn’t stand out.

I got the idea for this post from feedback I had earlier. I was tweeted a link to how to get what I’m entitled to for the 117 clause. I’ve done all of those things on the list and still got no where. I hate it when people don’t think you’re trying because you’re getting no where. There is such a thing as being ineffective as a person. This is something that my dad was during his life. A simple example of being an ineffective person from his experience is being not ‘seen’ at a bar while others that have just walked up there are served straight away. I am a similar shy personality and short build as my dad. I therefore think I’ve inherited the ‘ineffectiveness’. I used to wear heels when I was living down south to combat the issue of not being ‘seen’. It is a way not to be as ineffective but I never got around the shyness in person.  If you can’t walk on heels then the next best thing to wear is wedges (I wear them nowadays because of having coordination issues). Even when I have overcome the shyness and had the confidence to say something I’ve still been ignored. I just lack that thing. I’ve probably genetically inherited it because my family haven’t really been effective in their lives. A few of them have done okay but no one has become influential. I need that quality to do what I need to do which is get people to listen and take on board what needs changing in regards to reform. I also can’t educate the masses if I’m unable to get people to take on board what I am saying. I don’t know how to become that without showing too much of myself which makes me uncomfortable. I like to hide behind an invisible shield to protect myself. That is how my past has affected me. In the same way as I now feel that love is nothing more than a poison and have absolutely no place for it in my life. I mean any kind of love, even friendship. I am hard and direct now because I’ve never met anyone in my life that hasn’t let me down. And that is part of being born an ineffective person too. People only see the negative about you as an individual. You’re not noticeable unless you get another to feel threatened in some way. In all other cases you are invisible along with any point you’re trying to make. I don’t know how to make myself an effective person. It seems to be in my blood so I don’t really have an option here. 

I can’t just be nice and accepting anymore. I have a disability and it’s not optional.

I realised today that I can’t continue being ‘nice’ about things when I’ve been completed discriminated against. No one is prepared to help me out because they back up the abuse and justify it. I know for a fact that the tutor broke all confidentiality clauses which is an offence against the rules of their job. I am going to take it further because I know for a fact that this type of thing is a dismissible offence. I don’t want that but if I have to get things sorted by putting others on the spot where they could be disciplined for what they have done then so be it. If you always allow yourself to be abused then people will keep doing it. The gay community and the black community had to do it. I’m guessing that it is the only way we can fight for inclusion and justice too. I don’t want to do this but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I’m fed up of being bullied for my disability traits and not having the power to do anything about it. I was bullied all through the original start of the case by the tutor and my support acting on instructions of the local authority. I won’t ever get rid of my autistic PDA related traits. I’ve been put under clauses that don’t allow for traits of autism.

I will NEVER meet those impossible expectations. I will NEVER be completely normal. I cannot meet those expectations. There is absolutely no one, especially on the PDA part of the spectrum, that can meet those expectations! I refuse to be left on a section 117 aftercare when I’m not getting any support and am just abused by the local authority. It’s abuse just by expecting me to ‘get rid of my autism’. The point of support is for people to work with your form of autism, not demand I have skills that I’m never going to have. I’m being constantly let down. I’m never going to be normal and all the sanctions people have added to my name isn’t going to get rid of my autism traits. It causes me stress that is slowly making me ill. I’ve been given depression and PTSD because of these sanctions. I’m suffering so I have to kick back against the system that is causing me so much pain. I am who I am. I have a disability, it isn’t optional whether I have the affects of it or not and holding them back is literally causing me neurological issues. 

Woke up feeling sad :(

I have just woken up at stupid o clock after yet another random dream that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I have a bad stomach ache and overheated due to electric blanket being on when I fell asleep. I was cosy when I fell asleep but I woke up boiling.  I luckily didn’t go to sleep with cling film around my waist (induces sweating in a particular place to shrink it) otherwise I would have woken up even more uncomfortable. It does work because I got my trousers on much easier yesterday than previously. In some cultures they bind themselves to train areas of their body to become smaller. I thought that 30 inch waist could be trimmed down to at least a 28 inch doing this method.

Anyway, I’m feeling sad. I woke up with that feeling. I can’t shake it off. I just can’t do the way life stands. I don’t feel that others have been fair and  if they continue not to be fair then my reality is going to stay full of sadness. I’m stuck with terrible nightmares and can’t have relationships ever because I’m left fearful of others. I don’t want that to be the remInder of my life. But I always find an excuse not to socialise. I always find and excuse not to make friends. I always will because things are as they remain and this makes me not trust anyone else. I don’t have to live like this any longer but others won’t do the right thing or at least compromise. That is what I need not to be trapped in this every day hell of a reality. I can’t fight depression when my spark can’t relight because it’s been burnt out by the actions of other people. I won’t ever be whole again. A huge part of me has gone since everything happened and I got left with ptsd type symptoms. I walk  around feeling extremely empty. I comfort eat which doesn’t help my weight control. I’m worn out most of the time. I have a messy flat because every day things seem such an effort. I can’t stay like this but I will if others don’t at least compromise with me. I’m not an awful person. I only lost it and said awful things because of being pushed so far. I hate myself for things I said in anger but I have been punished several times over. I don’t need to be punished anymore for things I could never help. The impact it’s having on my life isn’t fair. I’m suffering more than anyone else. Everyone else has a life. I don’t because I will probably never have a full life due to how others got me labelled. It isn’t fair to leave me like this knowing it’s causing me so many issues. I can’t stand living like this any longer. I’m not the same person I was because I cannot function without extreme sadness on a daily basis. I barely get any rest due to the nightmares I’ve been left with. Others doing the right thing can take the edge off of these lasting effects. 

And the media starts off stereotyping again… and I’m here to put it straight.

I was watching the news earlier this evening. I saw the part on it about the school shooting in Florida. Details the media gave out like he was expelled and his social media made him seem like a danger. It is statements like this made by those in the media that doesn’t  help those of us that would never do something like that. If it comes out that he had mental health issues or was on the spectrum there is bound to be assumptions made of all those on the spectrum or who has mental health problems. I’m going to say what I’m posting tonight to stop that kind of crap  in it’s tracks. Worldwide there isn’t enough understanding and support for the conditions stated above. In the USA it is somewhat worse because they have to pay for their medical care. We are fortune to have the NHS over here despite its failings due to lack of funding etc. These situations happen after a catalogue of system failures and the individuals being let down. I’m by no means condoning his behaviour. I’m just pointing out that there is always a history before someone with issues end up snapping. There was every time I got convicted of something. These individuals have been failed time and time again. They haven’t had anyone be able to understand them. That is why many youngsters get excluded from school etc. They need someone to make an effort to understand them, I speak from experience when I say they don’t understand themselves at a young age. I’m 30 years old and I’m only just starting to understand myself. I had no choice but to learn to understand myself because no one else wanted to do that. We need to lose the fear surrounding things we don’t understand in general. This is a reason why people aren’t getting the support they need before things happen like they did in Florida. The fact that they allow people to own guns as a right in America just adds a deadly weapon to the equation if these individuals that are failed do crack. If the FBI and his teachers were warned about him. You would think that the FBI would have been able to remove any weapons from him. There are times in my life where I wouldn’t have been trusted with weapons. But that could be said for others without mental health problems too. If the person is close to cracking then access to weapons isn’t safe.

I worry about the knock on affects of things that happen. Every single awful occurrence has caused new laws and guidelines. It is never those that have done these acts who get caught up in the new regulations that are put into force. It’s the ones that do things innocently that normally get caught up in them. Those of us  that don’t have malicious intent. And this has resulted in places not supporting individuals due to the risks associated with their disability or mental health problems. I’m a fan of how the system used to be (most of it was before I was born). I know that under the previous systems there were things that happened which could have been prevented if things were as they are in the newer systems. Under the old system, someone like myself wouldn’t have been kicked out of school or labelled a criminal. The old systems were based on common sense and logic. The new systems aren’t. It’s about prevent anything from happening. But at the same time it’s actually causing problems. There is far too much red tape which is preventing us from living life without some form of stress. I have high levels of anxiety as it, let alone these horrible systems that do not incorporate the needs of those of us on the spectrum or with mental health problems. In our current system, those of us with PDA will never be able to fit in or cope with these things.