I’ve well and truly reached rock bottom.

I’ve recently realised that I’ve hit rock bottom. I may have comfortable surroundings etc but emotionally I have reached that point. I’ve had a difficult day and watching the news regarding yet another terrorist attack doesn’t enthuse me to remain to have any faith in humanity. I am sorry, but I can no longer believe that humans will be kind to one another. I have had experiences that have taught me otherwise. The things that are on the news every single day also tells me there is no hope in humans being kind anymore. 

I am now resigned to my own fate that no one is going to do the right thing for me in my case. I have a mixture of disabilities that no one can understand when they present as a collective set of symptoms. Others are never going to be kind to a person that isn’t understandable to them. I’m just seen as evil because others don’t ‘get it’. I am having one of those tearful days anyway. I woke up tearful alongside my social anxiety yesterday morning. I feel so guilty for taking ‘Mister’ (the cat) to the vets to have his abscess removed/burst. He doesn’t look happy because it’s obviously quite sore. I wish I’d never taken him. However, I also couldn’t leave him with a massive lump on his head which was filling up with more and more fluid by the day. It wasn’t causing him too much distress but as it was getting bigger, it was affecting his ability to eat and he was also getting rather irritated by it due to the way he was scratching at it. I just feel that I can’t do right by anyone. Even when I’m trying to ‘do the right thing’, it’s normally seen by others as ‘the wrong thing’. I really try and I care so much. 

Social Anxiety :(

I woke up this morning with crippling social anxiety. The type where I simply cannot go out to be around other people. I cancelled all my plans. I just can’t do out in the world right now. I saw that Anne Hegethy (one of the chasers on the chase) is now diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I wish that I’d been diagnosed at that age. It was a burden being labelled as different as a youngster. There is a limiting capacity associated with being plastered as a label when you’re young.  

Those that are the 40s, 50s, even sometimes in their 60s, have had the chance to get everything in life that is classed as the normal progression. I also feel that this has a bearing on the fact that they grew up in a time where there wasn’t so many rules and regulations. They didn’t get seen in a bad light because they could not stick to behaviour classed as normal by these modern expectations. Those generations say that they didn’t have so many opportunities as the ones that followed. That maybe true in some respects, however, it wasn’t so important to be able to fit into rules and regulations then. The stupid situations (which is how mine started) wouldn’t get to that point if the system was how it used to be when they were growing up. There was common sense back then. There is absolutely none in the system now. 

There is all this talk about how society has ‘progressed’…. that is completely untrue. In some respects, it is in fact worse. I want to see a change in the system. Our current education system is teaching their students that they have to follow the system like drones. They don’t get taught that they can change the system by making an effort, especially working together. 

I’m getting frustrated today because it is A Level results day. I am seeing certain universities advertise their services on twitter etc and it is getting to me. This is because of my own experience. I was let down. There was a comment made about the university not being ignorant or have bigotry. That is complete rubbish. The reason I’m in the legal position that I am in today was totally due to that kind of attitude given towards me. I was never supported to the point that I got so frustrated that I kicked off and now the other person has judged me forever on the nasty things that I said to them. I won’t ever be treated fairly because others refuse to understand my disability. The disability affects are not a choice, just like it wouldn’t be if I was in a wheelchair and couldn’t walk or was blind or anything along them lines. There was no attempt to listen to my point of view or how I felt. That was disregarded and I was treated as an evil person.

This is how everything has affected me. I was able to cope for a very long time. Until it has finally got under my skin so much that it’s torn me apart. I can’t go out anymore. I have to cancel plans because my social anxiety is so severe. They’ve added extra problems on top of the issues I had relating to my disability. It’s making me very depressed. The fact that people have told me to ‘cheer up’ or ‘be positive’ after what has been done to me is out of order! Others have to recognise that they’ve damaged me beyond repair and today I have literally been in tears.

Socialising.

The whole of my day has revolved around socialising (after I got up, I slept a lot today because I haven’t been able to sleep at night for the last few days). Therefore, I thought that this entry should be about just that. It actually relates well to my disability and what I would like to educate others about. I made an effort to go the Gym today. It feels so hard after weeks of not attending to do harder types of exercise. I’ve walked miles sometimes, however, it isn’t the same. I can feel an ache in my leg now after getting home. That is only tiny compared to the day after aches that I normally experience. It’s good aches though. It makes you feel like you’ve achieved something, rather than ache because your health problems are kicking off. The Gym has Sainsbury’s next door to it. This is the only local supermarket with a choice of vegetarian food. The supermarkets nearer to me have such little choice when it comes to vegetarian food. I pop next door to take advantage of that every time I’m over at the Gym.

It takes a huge amount of fighting social anxiety to walk into a room full of people (which is the Gym). I’m going to have to keep doing that as I’ve committed myself to some meet ups. I have one in the city cafe bar type place tomorrow night (need to find it after my therapy appointment tomorrow so I know where I’m going). That is a speaker group. I’m learning to speak and overcome my shyness in front of those I’m speaking too. I then have committed myself to a social anxiety group. This is an evening meet up, however, there is no venue yet. That is on next week. Then there is a spiritual group during the day within the city in a meeting house which I have said I’ll go to. The hardest thing is getting yourselves there and walking in. I’m okay once I’m there. It’s just getting myself to go to a place to socialise. I’ve not been out in a long time due to the things that have happened, therefore it is difficult. But, I’m going to have to lead by example. If I’m trying to carry on with life and forget the past, then others will do that too. I will eventually be accepted and let into things that I am at present excluded from. I did say earlier that I am prepared to teach others to love me. That may be naive thinking, however, nothing is impossible. 

I have also got myself referred to the mental health part of the adult college that I attend in the city. I’m going back to do my level 1 in Maths (at the mainstream part). I had to be referred by a professional. I asked a professional to do that for me. The main objective for me trying to get into that part of the college was learning to cook. I have always somehow managed to get by in regards to being able to know enough to eat healthily. But, it is so much healthier to be able to cook from scratch and actually make a meal… rather than putting veg with some already made up vegetarian Quorn product. They also do many forms of Art (pottery, painting, drawing, print making, music and performing arts etc), there is a social group for people with the same condition as myself, change your mind course, creative writing etc. Those are just the ones that I’d consider. There are sports etc, but I’m not a sporty person. I was told by my niece that I should try Tinder. Well, I can honestly say I’m ‘swiping left’ on that idea. I don’t even like the thought of internet dating. I really do not think technology should take over old fashioned socialising. It’s not a natural way to communicate and to be quite honest, I may like using the internet because I grew up when it was taking shape. However, there are limits to what should be done on the internet. We shouldn’t avoid go out and live in the real world because that’s boring. We are born to live life to the full in whatever circumstances are around us. 

I was told by my niece that I should try Tinder. Well, I can honestly say I’m ‘swiping left’ on that idea. I don’t even like the thought of internet dating. I really do not think technology should take over old fashioned socialising. It’s not a natural way to communicate and to be quite honest, I may like using the internet because I grew up when it was taking shape. However, there are limits to what should be done on the internet. We shouldn’t avoid go out and live in the real world because that’s boring. We are born to live life to the full in whatever circumstances are around us. I know that it is difficult to live a life out there away from the crutch of the internet. I have extreme social anxiety made worse by how I’ve been treated by others for my difficulties. The key is at least trying, even if you fail miserably. And, can I make it clear that if I find someone has signed me up to Tinder then I will be quite annoyed.

In regards to relationships in general. I am happy single. I have no desire to date. When I do finally have a partner, I do not want it to a no strings attached fun kind of thing. I want it to be deep and meaningful. The type of love that lasts for a lifetime, not a season. I would strive for stability because that is my priority. I’ve never really had stability, that is why when I finally settle with someone that is what I would want. 

It occurred to me today that I am recycling information to try to educate others about mental illness, Asperger Syndrome and Learning Disability dual diagnosis. The problem with this tactic is that it isn’t tailor made to just focus on parts that affect those with this dual diagnosis. The Autistic Spectrum is quite widespread anyway. There are many mental illness symptoms and different aspects of learning disabilities. I’m not sure how I am to disregard the parts that I do not want to educate people on. Mainly because there is a lot more awareness of straight forward Aspergers, mental illness and learning disabilities. The concept of dual diagnosis is rather new. While there has been leaps and bounds in regards to awareness and understanding of the conditions above. But, those of us with dual diagnosis are losing out due to others not seeing us the same as another they know with the same label.

I’m the type of person who can either really like someone a lot or have no interest whatsoever. I have been so cruel when letting guys down. Some of these guys are friends now. They understand that I just cannot like them in that way. I cannot hold back when someone has upset me. I’m very straight forward in that respect. There will be no question whether someone has upset me. I’ve met a lot of eccentric adults who have always had difficulties in their lives whom I am sure would come under the dual diagnosis umbrella. I want to take away the fear of things related to how dual diagnoses make us act, that people do not understand and create comfort because I’m willing to explain aspects to the public. 

The quest to dispell misconceptions and fears….

I have read that many people with Asperger Syndrome, Mental illness, and Learning Disabilities have given up their blogs because of trolling etc. I am not like them. I do not cower down to trolls or those that don’t understand. The more that individuals with conditions that others don’t understand do that kind of thing, then we will always have to deal with being misunderstood. I am very aware that it takes a lot to get those who cannot relate to our lives to understand the things that we try to explain. But, if we don’t keep on writing whatever we can, then our reality won’t ever improve. The LGBT movement started off doing just that. Even if we go back 50 years. There would be a vast amount of misconceptions and fear surrounding their lifestyle. The attitudes towards LGBT individuals was very different from what they are today. 

The more positive attitudes have been achieved by brave individuals being open about their lifestyles and being open about how they were as people. Stephen Fry was himself expelled from school and he later came out as a Gay. It is well known that he had a troubled childhood and adolescence because of him being different. But, he persisted to stick up for himself and those like him. And look how widespread the LGBT movement is now. There will always be minorities that do not like individuals who are LGBT. This is mostly down to fear or being unable to understand their lifestyle. If others don’t understand which instills fear in them, then we have to teach them. We can’t force feed them. However, we can be persistent and keep on and on with what we write. And, be brutally honest about life on the spectrum, living with mental illness symptoms or learning disabilities. We have to remain calm when explaining these things to the public, this ensures that there is no fear surrounding our disabilities or us as individuals. Professionals and those with relatives that have disabilities of this nature can’t tell others exactly what it’s really like to have the disability. And, especially, they cannot explain our intentions regarding actions that others can misinterpret. That is why we need to be saying these things. I haven’t got time to go through things in detail tonight. However, I will try to itemise certain behaviours on the blog at some point.

Those Autistics, learning disabled and that have a mental illness who do get to be speakers don’t cover the whole details of behaviour and misconception explaining because they are not chosen from a wide enough background. A vast amount of these individuals have parents within a certain class or are children of professionals. Those individuals are more likely to be refined and have less trouble in regards to their autistic traits, mental illness symptoms or learning disabilities. Their parents can afford the extra help for them, while the rest of them rely on an ever increasingly stretched NHS. Those individuals get earlier diagnoses as children and the early intervention needed before aspects of their condition gets etched into their personality by the time that they reach adulthood. I’m a great believer in ‘keeping it real’ and I believe that those kinds of speakers aren’t a proper representation of the majority of those that struggle to live with these types of conditions. We need a wide range of opinions shared, rather than those that have been successful due to having professional and most elite parents (mostly how they get to be speakers).

I just feel….ughhh!

I really cannot do anything anymore. The last two days I’ve spent in bed because I’m that tired! I have no energy whatsoever. I really want to go back to the Gym. However, I virtually only have enough energy to get up and do bits around the flat which needs doing at this moment in time. I wanted out of everything, so I’m barely even going for a walk. I feel that I am in desperate need of this time to myself because I never took time off when I lost my son. I decided to carry on and look where this led me. I ended up trying to go to university and getting screwed over even more by others that I trusted because mentally I was too weak to stand on my own two feet. I am tearful. I hate maturity because it is a painful process. I’ve realised that I spent most of my life loving others who couldn’t care less about me. None of them are in my life today. I wanted friends and I had to pay the price of losing my son because a few of them backstabbed me due to pure jealousy. They were users and abusers but I just couldn’t see it. I was even let down by paid support because no one has ever truly looked out for me.

I think back to school. That is a preview of the life you’re going to have. In my case, I was the student that no one believed in. The fact that society has labeled me severely disabled illustrates that is the general consensus. I would have loved to have been one of those ‘wonder children’ that get the support of everyone around them. They get helped up the ladder and loved by their teachers and other professionals. Favoritism is very real in schools, colleges, and universities. Those of us that were seen as not academic or talented (in sports especially) were given nothing compared to those that were seen in those categories. I get so wound up that I couldn’t be seen in those categories so I got loved and given opportunities. That would have made me as a person.

Instead, because I was born with Asperger Syndrome and associated learning difficulties, this is an area where powerful individuals and organisations are too ignorant to see behind the surface of someone with difficulties. It has always been the same here. Unless you were perfect growing up, any talents you may have possessed was ignored and subsequently pushed aside. There were no reasonable adjustments made unless you were physically disabled (and back in my school days that was few and far between) and you were subsequently seen as a problem because you weren’t able to be normal and bright like some of the other students. 

 

The conclusions that I’ve came to…

After I told everyone involved what had gone on from both sides, I then got more charges added to my name. This draws me to the conclusion that they all knew what had been going on behind my back all this time. It seems that I was the last one to know. Mainly because I have been set up. That is the only possible explanation. Those that stood by and let this happen knowing that I was being set up are just as guilty as those carrying out the actions. I don’t give a flying f*ck if contracts were signed. There is such a thing as morally doing the right thing. I refuse to be sent to prison and scapegoated for the things that others should be taking responsibility for. It is totally immoral to set me up and then blame me. I am mentally torn apart knowing that they’re all hell bent on scapegoating me and I have no power to convince a court that I do not deserve it. Others still have a chance to ‘do the right thing’ but they aren’t. I’m at least making a huge effort to do what the other party wants, which is not contacting them, despite my OCD making me extremely distressed. The least others can do is collaborate together to ‘drop all charges’. I don’t care about the restraining order being left on for now. I did care because of career implications, but I just want all this legal stuff to be over due to the fact that it’s badly distressing me mentally. The other side can have it their way because they’ve won for the time being. I was told by two police officers that if I stuck to it for a substantial amount of years, then it wouldn’t end up indefinite because the court would see me as reformed. I didn’t know this before I broke it. All the solicitors that I spoke to told me that the other side had to be the one to remove it. 

Others still have a chance to ‘do the right thing’ but they aren’t. I’m at least making a huge effort to do what the other party wants, which is not contacting them, despite my OCD making me extremely distressed. The least others can do is collaborate together to ‘drop all charges’. I don’t care about the restraining order being left on for now. I did care because of career implications, but I just want all this legal stuff to be over due to the fact that it’s badly distressing me mentally. The other side can have it their way because they’ve won for the time being. I was told by two police officers that if I stuck to it for a substantial amount of years, then it wouldn’t end up indefinite because the court would see me as reformed. I didn’t know this before I broke it. All the solicitors that I spoke to told me that the other side had to be the one to remove it. That is why I tried to push them. I was following instructions. I was told that convincing the other party was the only way that I could get that. I can feel myself being pushed into a mental breakdown because my head needs this to be all over before it blows a fuse.

I will not be backing down.

I won’t be backing down on my views regarding the case against me. I will not be cooperating in any shape or form. I am trying to get therapy etc. Therefore, I am trying my best to make up for everything. I have apologised and tried to get all involved to know what has occurred. I also paid the victims compensation £400 in full. However, they all refuse to work together to sort it out. I did what I need to do, but after that, they added more charges to my name. Most likely these charges are new laws that have been enacted and the system is trying to use them. 

I will NEVER be going to that court. If it takes years to get others to see sense. Then I’m prepared to be stubborn for that long. I will be continually sticking to my position. I’m not contacting the person.  That is what others want. Therefore, persecuting me is not fair. Others wanted what they wanted. I’m doing what they wanted. Others are now being unfair holding things against me that weren’t all my fault. I’m told that I should have empathy towards how others feel. That works both ways. I see the others point of views, however, they’re refusing to see mine. I’m being put through things that I do not deserve. This is the bottom line. I am punished for my feelings too.  I have to stick up for myself. I no longer want to let others just walk all over me because I’m different. I’ve let that happen the whole of my life.