The truth is something that none of you know…. until you’ve read this…

I have heard so many assumptions said about me and to my face. I have come to that point where I would like to publish the truth on here so that people can piece things together and realise that I am not as I have been painted, and also show that I have a right to get angry over certain things. I apologise in advance if the truth upsets anyone. I have been basically set up from the start and the only thing I’ve ever done is get upset at how I’ve been treated and getting frustrated at effectively being punished for my Asperger’s traits. Every single time I have kicked back is when I’ve suffered discrimination. I am NOT an awful person and never have been. I have had so many people make judgments and say nasty things to me, so I have to say something.

I was labeled a criminal to discredit me because I was trying to uncover things that the system didn’t want uncovering, e.g conviction targets. They knew that labeling me a criminal would stop me being listened to and that I wouldn’t get into a high position as an adult to officially challenge them. They sectioned me as a teen to make sure I was silenced. In the hospital, I wasn’t allowed any communication devices. I lost the conviction target figures because of them arresting me and sending me through the process. I was tracked by the police and used as a conviction target when I reached 18 because that’s when they start earning money. If they meet their required figures then the cps get a lump sum of target money. They didn’t have conviction targets in the area I used to live in and they NEVER went after me. I had my same OCD issues.

There have been lots of lies recorded about me by the system. I have to suffer cruel care plans where people push me away because of the lies. This makes me feel very uncared about. I was a very quiet child and teen. I barely said a word and they put whatever they wanted down. I’ve literally only just learned how to stick up for myself but trying to be less shy is still quite hard. 

I have tried to tell others that I am not what they assume, but they refuse to believe me. They just do me for harassment again. I deserve to be loved and wanted. I don’t deserve the crap I’ve got and I know that there are people locally that are fully aware that I was set up in the past, but they won’t speak up for fear of essentially getting blacklisted themselves. I wish they would tell others I’m not what I’ve been labeled as being.  I never meant any harm to anyone, but I was pushed to my limits to react the way I reacted. I didn’t want to lose the last person that I really wanted to get to know and I tried to tell them that I wasn’t the way I’ve been portrayed. I can’t stand being seen as something that I am not. The more I try to explain that I’m not what people assume, the more I get pointed the finger at being accused of harassment. I never deserved what I got. I’m not trying to blame others where blame isn’t due, but if others had listened to what I was telling them, then I wouldn’t have ended up in the position to have been labeled awful.

I am going to reveal things about my past which I haven’t previously gone into because I want to really point out that I don’t deserve what I have been put through and why I am justifiably upset. Those that know me from a long time ago will remember the ideas I had as a teenager. In fact, ASSGO website was the first one of its kind that I created shortly after I received my diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. I feel bitter because I was branded a criminal and sent away. I come back out to find that my ideas have been stolen and used by other people. I find it very difficult to establish a career because my disability issues have been labeled criminal. I feel that my potential to have a career has been stolen. I never wanted to grow up and rely on benefits. That isn’t the type of person that I am. I long for others to finally see me without the criminal label. I have a disability, my traits are part of that and if people don’t listen to my needs and how things should be done to cope with those traits, then this doesn’t make me evil. I hold my hands up to saying things I shouldn’t have said when I’ve been emotional. But, I was pushed really far to say those things. I had everything that I wanted taken from me, even though I was honest. I’m always honest and I get screwed over for it.

Then others do not know what it is like to grow up with a Mother like mine. I don’t like others taking the piss out of that aspect of my life either. I’m in debt because my Mother scares me with her anger issues. I can’t go to the person that is seen as a carer by the local authority because she is an issue for me. I signed up for PayPal credit because when she asks about my finances I daren’t say I overspent or something because she’d go mad at me. And, I did get conned by psychics at the time when I’ve been at my weakest – nearly a total of £10,000 or more (they wouldn’t get anything out of me now and I have since reported them). I felt used enough as it was without abuse from my Mother too.

Anyway, what I really want to point out is the fact that I was a victim originally, but I was scapegoated. I don’t want to go into everything. But, I’m certainly not a bad person. I made my mistakes because of lack of experience and trying to stand up for myself when I’ve experienced discrimination and ignorance. I’m not liked by the authorities because I have found stuff out and attempted to expose things. This is something that you have to put up with if you’re the type that can’t see the system abusing people without taking action. e.g digging up the conviction targets and my plan was to make sure that it got out there to a newspaper or something before I got ‘disposed of’. I lost the paperwork because of being arrested and taken away. I’m sure they’ve made it harder to find those figures now because if a 17-year-old can find these things, then anyone could have dug them up.

I had to explain these things because I’m absolutely fed up with assumptions and those I wanted in my life never wanting to see me again because they’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an undesirable person. There’s nothing I want more in the world than for orders to end and to be friends with the one I miss. And also for people to start seeing me as a disabled person, not a threat or a danger because of the criminal label (that I only got for questioning authority originally, but when you have previous, you’re continually used as a future target for any situation that kicks off).  If there was one thing that I could have for Christmas, it would be that I’m seen for the naive innocent minded person that I am and to be accepted.

 

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Author: Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert

I am a female who is diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and Borderline Learning Disabilities at 16 years old. I started this blog to increase awareness and understanding about how it is to live with these co-morbid conditions. Disclaimer - May not be suitable for viewers of a nervous disposition or those that are easily offended (and especially the ignorant).