Troubled.

I feel quite stressed tonight. I had a bath really early because I plan on going to bed earlier. I need to get up early and I can’t afford to sleep in because I’m the carpool for someone else to get to the group. I’m the one that owns the car and the other person doesn’t drive (aside from insurance) so I can’t hand them the keys (which I wouldn’t anyway because I fear that someone might crash my car) and tell them to take it I’m not coming. I have no choice but to attend the group anyway.

I feel stressed because financially I’m screwed soon. I have an approximately £800 worth of credit bill to pay off. I tried to pay it off but the interest they put on means that unless I pay huge chunks throughout the month, then it will just go back to the same amount or maybe more depending on how the company feels regarding the interest. I won’t have enough to pay my rent and the debt off if PIP cut my benefits or refuse to give me anything (which they probably will because literally everyone I know has either been rejected or cut by over one hundred pounds). Those of us without mobility issues (even some with have also been affected) have lost the majority of our DLA payments. I have my car tax soon (which is also a stupid amount of money).

All the money I’ve spent is related to everything that went on with the university etc, so I have absolutely no money to fall back on. The psychics cleared me out when I was emotionally at my lowest and the court/victim compensation. I’m basically not going to be able to afford to pay my rent so I may end up homeless, thanks to the person that I had a great amount of respect for at one time. I had a clear out earlier. I chucked the essay that this person had marked in the bin, along with all the other paperwork I had from the university. I never want to see those things again. I kept that all this time because that is how much the person meant to me. And they’ll never see that what they did to me is going to leave lasting damage. Then after everything, their ‘friends’ bullied me via twitter. I had already lost so much money due to the whole thing by that point. I guess that the other person was nothing but one of those media b*tches that I make me want to scratch their eyes out. I agree that many humans do not deserve kindness, but I’m not like many humans. I am the least discriminative person ever. I don’t see age, disability, race, religion etc. I can’t do nasty without feeling tremendously guilty. I’m only ever horrible when I’m trying to stick up for myself. I never deserved all that happened. I was experiencing discrimination and I retaliated. The whole thing has made me so physically ill. I wish people would just see me as the nice person that I actually am. I didn’t ask to be born with Autism and learning disabilities, just like I never asked to be punished for my disability traits. If I couldn’t walk then I couldn’t just get up and walk, it is the same. I’m not looking forward to this PIP change over because I know that I will end up so financially squeezed that I won’t be able to pay my rent and I will get kicked out on to the street. I can’t live with any of my relatives because some aren’t in the position to take me in and there is no way I’m moving in with my Mother, visiting her is enough for me at weekends.

I’m just in a bad mood about everything and I can’t shake it off. I can’t stand unfairness when I’m not as awful as I have been painted. And on top of it, I’m financially about to lose everything if this PIP assessment goes against me. 

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Author: Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert

I am a female who is diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and Borderline Learning Disabilities at 16 years old. I started this blog to increase awareness and understanding about how it is to live with these co-morbid conditions. Disclaimer - May not be suitable for viewers of a nervous disposition or those that are easily offended (and especially the ignorant).