Energy levels back to normal and other developments.

I have been for a two hour walk today. I also went for a three hour gym session yesterday. Thirty minutes on four different bike sort of things each. Then four weight machines and  five minutes on the treadmill of which I ran for two minutes and walked for the other three minutes. I pushed myself harder than I have done in a long time last night. I have the energy that I haven’t had for the first time in over a year. I woke up this morning (well nearer afternoon because I was studying till late and the gym wore me out) I felt like my old self. I was happy despite everything they will always remain on my mind. The yellow overlays really do work. The stuff I covered in my revision folder last night I still remembered. I’ve been reading things and it’s gone straight out of my head. I still only have a half hour attention span before I start drifting away thinking about something else I have to do etc. I’ve never really taken much notice before. I pushed my learning disabilities to one side because I thought that I could ignore them. I am now fully aware that it doesn’t work in that manner. I could have fixed my issues long before now and not had to go through so much hurt if I’d just acknowledged that side of me. I’m now hated or feared by many for things I actually didn’t understand which they assumed I did on purpose. I was negligent but not an awful person. Others don’t understand that I never wanted to accept my disability. It’s just like an elderly person not accepting aging… it’s not going away and if they don’t use a walking stick etc they won’t be able to get around. In my case if I don’t use these assistance things they make for autism/learning disabilities then I will never be able to have a normal life.

I got a phone call from my social worker today. They’re still leaving me on a 117 aftercare section. I don’t want to be on it now. I see leaving me on that as a form of punishment. Punishment for having my disability which is lifelong. It isn’t a choice and when places access information on me with this written down they do not listen to me. They treat me like a ‘non-person’. You’re not a proper person so however they treat you doesn’t matter. I have worked really hard… more than those that judge me will ever know. I deserve to be taken off things like that so that I am seen as a proper person again and not just someone’s who can be used to transfer money for the purposes of so called support. It’s not like the supoort that they paid for made anything better  for me, they actually made it worse. I found out many things way down the line that would have avoided things that are now unrepairable because I was not informed by those supposed to be being paid to support me. That makes me look in a negative light when I was none the wiser about things going on behind the scenes. I look a cow to someone I truly cared about more than they will ever know. I’ve spent years being left on this thing and actually finding the so called help services make things more complex and in the long run things have got worse because of them. They will try to blame me because it looks bad for them but the things that went on behind closed doors weren’t right. If I’m asked what happened then I’m not going to ‘avoid the question’, I will tell others exactly what occurred. I just want to be free after I’ve worked so hard and fixed my own issues because there was no other choice. Although, I’m thinking that to those professionals that do not have a clue how my disability affects me and completely accuses me of being something that I am not, this would be too much to ask. I have been accused of being so much that I know I’m certainly not. I was over enthusiastic when wanting a friend, that doesn’t mean I’m a stalker.

I’ve had a stalker and they are very dangerous people. There is a huge difference. In fact I’ve had a few stalkers. One text me refusing to say who they were until one night they came in my window at 3am in the morning. The person lived on the same block of flats as me and they used to watch my flat from theirs up until the point where I got a text telling me how beautiful I looked when I took my rubbish out to the bin. Then there was that woman who a lot of my friends at the time (I was living down south) knew tried to befriend me. Behind my back she was ringing up children’s services (and also got others to ring with her) which got my son put on a pre birth plan. She didn’t stop at that. I was in the hospital having my son and she (and the others she’d dragged into it) was constantly ringing child services telling them not to let my son go home with me because he’d be dead within a week. Due to this person I couldn’t even be with my son alone because my Mum was told that I wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t even take my own baby for a walk. They didn’t stop there and never stopped until they got him taken away and adopted. I would NEVER dream of doing these things to another. Those are true stalkers and they are evil individuals that get a kick out of destroying others lives. I’ve never really said in full detail about how my son came to end up adopted but it was mostly down to my stalker. They are still out there lingering around trying to destroy every opportunity I manage to obtain. I generally didn’t know how to make and keep friends. That doesn’t make me dangerous. I would NEVER go out to destroy another like my stalker did to me. If anyone got investigated at the university that wasn’t even on my say so, the authorities probably did it and said it was my wishes. I have nothing to do with any of that. I was rightfully upset about losing an opportunity which I’ve wanted to do since I was very young. There was a refusal to even try to understand my disability and many assumptions made by the higher ups that didn’t even know me. If I knew the authorities were trying to get an investigation happening to the other person involved or that they wanted them sanctioned then I would have point blankly told them in no uncertain terms that this wasn’t what I wanted. It was hard because I’ve only just learned to express myself fully and explain things. But now I know how to do that I’m making sure that others know exactly how it is and how it is not. 

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Author: Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. The blogger was labelled a criminal for the affects of her illness. Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).