Nervous on the night before my exam / I open up about my disability and how others being unhelpful has now affected me long term.

I’m relaxing but can’t totally chill out because I’m nervous about my exam tomorrow and the one later this week. I’m doubting myself because I’m scared that I will get a blank mind and just not be able to think of the answers. I shouldn’t be putting myself through exams because I’m cut up over everything that has happened. It’s affected my confidence so much and inside I’m just crumbling. I have so many questions in my head all revolving around why I wasn’t good enough to help, others were helped. I have only ever got pissed off and snapped back when things horrible have been done to me.

However, I end up being the one told I’m an awful person. I had absolutely no one and I got stick for wanting another. That isn’t fair. I may have been inappropriate but I wasn’t doing that on purpose. If truth be told, I have never had a relationship. I don’t have experience to act the right way. I wasn’t making a conscious choice to be socially unacceptable. I wasn’t grown up enough. And I really didn’t deserve how I was treated. I deserved help, not punishing. It’s affected me quite badly. I can no longer give another person a chance because I’m scared to get close to anyone else. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over how hurt I’ve been over everything.

I am capable of anything a so called ‘normal’, non retarded or remotely crazy person is capable of! All I ever needed was a leg up from those that have existed in this world before me. Instead, I get kicked to my knees and accused of all sorts of intentions which I never had. I only made mistakes because I am so inexperienced with friendships/relationships. I’m not an awful person like others have made out. Anyone who assumes that should look up PDA type Autism. It is a rare form of Autism which is extremely misunderstood. We have had to continually push official bodies to even consider this type of Autism to be incorporated into NAS policies. This has taken many years. There is still a hell of a lot of work to do in this field. I’m hoping that future generations won’t have to put up with the judgments, assumptions and accusations myself and others of my generation has had to put up with over the years.

I never chose to have my disability. I’m treated like the way it has affected me was a choice. The way I have been treated has damaged me more on top of my disability. I feel like I’ve had to go to get various qualifications myself because no one has ever bothered to help me out. All they’ve done is let me down and subsequently blamed me. I feel like I have to do everything myself because no one else will help me. That is why I’m going for exams like tomorrow. Yes it may only be GCSE level but that is where you have to start nowadays. 

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Author: Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. The blogger was labelled a criminal for the affects of her illness. Diary Of A Painfully Shy Introvert was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).