I am extremely skilled at procrastination.

I meant to get up early this morning. I woke up at lunch time having cuddled one of the cats (Mimi) after rolling over having heard my alarm this morning. I felt so annoyed at myself because I was getting things done and now I’m behind again. I hate when I make so much progress and then get tired and not do anything because I decided to sleep in.

I’m trying to go through my whole flat because everything got into a state when I was studying for my exams. It is far too much to do all in one go, especially if my energy levels keep dropping. I’ll find out if I’m anemic again this week. I’m trying to eat more where my tight budget allows. I haven’t got my appeal date through for PIP yet. I’m too tired to even style my hair today, let alone work if I can’t get it back. The tiredness is holding me back in so many ways. I’ve been like this for 5 years and it’s progressively got worse. I didn’t really notice it at first but as the years have gone on it’s become very annoying.  

I also need to finish my designs for the National Brain Appeal exhibition. I’ve done one envelope but I’m on my second one and the felt tips that I am using aren’t working properly (haven’t used them in a while so they’ve dried up a bit). The theme is a way with colour, which is perfect for me because I cannot draw but I have a way of combining colours. I could never be called a proper artist because my drawings look like child scribbling. They’re selling the designs for about £85 but all the proceeds go to the charity. The designs are sold anonymously on the day so there is no artist credit (names of artists aren’t revealed until the end of the exhibition. The exhibition is in London from 27-30th September 2018 at the Gallery@Oxo -) Oxo Tower Wharf in London). I was attracted to this charity because they help those affected by a range of different brain conditions. It’s not just one area and for people like myself who has multiple issues in that department, then the research that they do is extremely useful.

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A few minutes to consider writing projects.

I have ten minutes to take a rest after walking in the sun. Then I must get some housework done because my flat has got into a state. There is just too much to do in one go and when you’re struggling with energy levels it is even worse. I only went for a half a hour walk today which is unusual for me. I’ve had a much busier week that I’ve had for a very long time. It’s harder when you’re not drinking to excess to get through it, as I used to a few years back when I was at college full time doing my GCSE’s. Life is so much more smoother if you sober up and actually are aware of everything that you may be doing. I think I clean the windows better when I’m intoxicated though because I have so many streaks on one of my windows. That isn’t something that used to happen. However, I haven’t cleaned the windows for a whole year. There was so much dirt on the windows (I think that there is a hell of a lot of pollution coming from the main road next to our block of flats) and also the cat’s paw prints where they’ve jumped up. There’s a lot more light in my flat now that they’ve been cleaned. It isn’t something that bothers me, but when you clean the windows there is a noticeable difference.

As much as I enjoy the sun and I feel better after being out in it, I am still much more of a night owl. I’m able to finish things much quicker at night (eg. the story I wrote for the anthology and one envelope design for the national brain appeal art exhibition). This is the way that I have always been since a child. I didn’t get money for half of the things I’ve written. The anthology proceeds went to charity and if my artwork is sold on an envelope then the proceeds will be going to the National Brain Appeal charity which helps people affected with a wide range of neurological issues. I have been told that I own the short story that I submitted to be part of the anthology. Other authors have published their stories on Kindle as an ebook download for 99p. I’m thinking of taking mine and doing that too. It is my intellectual property, therefore I’m thinking of changing it slightly and saying that it is the uncut version. I had to keep a lot of aspects of the story quite brief because we were only allowed a set amount of words due to the fact that we were sharing an anthology with other authors.

I’m also considering writing a fictional book on the process in which people end up complete and utter narcissists. There is no one born a narc. They are shaped into a narc by their life experiences and I’m thinking that readers will find reading about that process quite interesting. I won’t be writing about my own life in particular. Although, I must admit that my experiences in life did turn me into a complete narcissist. I’ve been watching documentaries on Narcissism. I do know a lot about the subject but you do need to research too in order to make readers feel that they are reading something realistic. Or that they can literally see someone they’ve met that was a complete and utter narc within what is written in the book. Nevertheless, by the end of the book I am going to attempt to get the reader to feel sorry for the narc. That is going to be rather a large project which will probably take me the whole summer holidays to write and edit. 

Chilling out in my ‘royal wedding free zone’.

I was actually quite productive today. I didn’t go for a very long walk today because quite frankly I’m extremely tired from exams this week. I spent two nights awake before them prepping the material due to the fact that I was so frightened I’d actually forget it. That is like 48 hours worth of sleep I am missing. I didn’t even feel it after my exam. I actually went for a long walk that evening. Then the cats were waking me up at a stupid hour and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I could gladly sleep but I haven’t today.

I have not even turned on the television today because I know what will be on nearly every channel (every time the news comes on). I’m making sure that I have a royal wedding free home today. I said that I was going to boycott it and I firmly meant it. I am a woman of strong values and principles. Those that know me well will know what I’m like in that department. I will firmly stand against something even if it makes me unpopular. If I happen to feel that something isn’t right then I will mention it and show that I feel that way. That has got me kicked out of a lot of places and fallen out with a few people that meant a huge amount to me. However, you learn that if you get older, those places or people would never have been a pleasant experience within your life. There is no way that you could ever relax and be yourself around them. The only way that you ever could would be if you dropped your beliefs and became someone that you simply weren’t.

I have my beliefs and principles due to the life that I have experienced. I am not changing them because others that haven’t been through those things try to convince me that I am wrong. It is simply the fact that some of us won’t agree with one another. We just keep away from each other because it is much less stressful. I just cannot ignore what I have seen and the things that have happened to me as a youngster. If others were in my shoes then they could see why I feel that way.

Anyway, I did quite a lot today. I need to go to back to cleaning the windows now. I had a break because I got tired. I only have the two back ones inside to clean now. I also checked my cars tyres to make sure they haven’t gone down. I’ve thrown a load of old revision notes in the bin that I no longer need. I’m reluctant to do the rest of the windows but I cannot leave them half done.

Why you should #BoycottTheRoyalWedding…

I would just like to list all the reasons that I can possibly think of as to the reasons why we should consider boycotting the royal wedding tomorrow. I’m personally refusing to watch anything to do with it tomorrow. Obviously, we can’t force people to boycott but I’m just putting things forward.

The first reason is in regards to the homeless having been removed from the streets of Windsor. Something that I am sure that the likes of  Price Harry’s Mother (Princess Diana) would disapprove of quite a lot. In her memory, despite it being her sons wedding, I think that people should at least consider how she would have probably reacted to the above actions. She isn’t alive any more to say anything. Therefore, we should by boycotting the royal wedding.

The next reason is that the money which goes into this wedding is far too much. It is quite simply elitism at it’s most disgusting. It is perfectly understandable to want the best wedding dress etc when you get married. However, a proportion of her dress cost, reportedly £400,000 would cover all the benefits that disabled people and other disadvantaged groups of people have lost. Those of us that have lost benefits can barely afford to eat. We have to chose between eating and paying bills and every day essentials. Our support is being either taken away or cut to unreasonable standards because of the Government trying to ‘save money’. The elites in this country are the ones that have dodged tax and got us into debt. They aren’t suffering. They’re still getting the money they’ve always received. The MP’s that fiddled the expenses. Those that had fake businesses registered abroad to avoid having to pay tax. They aren’t the ones being affected. It isn’t the royals fault directly, but all the elite part of society back each other. 

It is extremely important that those of us that have been failed by the system take a stand by not being part of the ‘celebrations’. We’ve had to struggle due to cuts and the awful system that is left for us to use. The elitists can afford private health care and even a lot of professionals that work within the system that is failing us also uses private health care. We get absolutely nothing because we don’t have the money. We are abused by society and then they blame us for kicking back after we can’t stand it anymore and then label us for life.

I am annoyed now. I need to put this out there.

I have to say something at this point because I’m starting to get extremely irritated. The issue doesn’t seem to be correcting itself so I have to say something. It will just keep happening if I don’t say something.

Over the last 48 hours, I’ve had guys keep adding my personal Facebook account. They won’ stop hitting on me and some have even repeatedly called me on messenger. I even got a very persistent one that sent me a photo of his …. last night. I even ignored the attempts to talk to me but they kept ringing me until approximately midnight last night. Then I keep getting random guys continually adding me. I have started denying the requests now.

I just want to make it clear that yes I am single, but certainly not looking at this moment in time. I don’t want one night stands or even ‘sexy time’ via online chat/video. I have absolutely no desires in that area. And, quite frankly, I do not think that I ever will! I’m far from turned on by your photos of your lower regions. I’m probably getting old now I’ve hit the big 30, but I simply find it vulgar. I have grown up now and honestly those things disgust me. I do photos but I never show anything too explicit. I keep it tasteful and everything personal stays covered. I have my boundaries (maybe not always had them, I realise this, but I do now) but these guys are more than over stepping them. If they were in front of me in the flesh I would ‘chop it off’ because they are annoying me so much.

I have made a life choice (mainly due to personal issues and circumstances) to remain single the whole of my life. Guys seem to be determined to change this but it’s my personal choice. There is absolutely no way that anyone is going to persuade me to change this decision. I just cannot be ‘involved’ with another because I simple can’t trust people enough. I already live on my own with 3 cats and nearly 4 if the other one decides to hang around. I’d take them over another human any day. They love me unconditionally and never expect me to change. They don’t set high standards that I can never meet, unlike humans. I’m one of those that are meant to end up a spinster with a house full of cats. It is just my path.

I just want to avoid relationship pain for the rest of my life. And, I will do if I never date a person. The things that I have been through have been damaging to me. I can’t get intimate with another and I’m always anxious around people. I have to have my own space at least for a few hours a day, otherwise I will end up going into a meltdown because I feel trapped. I’m not really a sociable person. Even more so now, because of things that have happened. I’m not confident or outgoing. I’m the equivalent to a frightened little mouse.

I’ve been waiting all week for this moment!

I know that I sound extremely sad by making this statement but I’m absolutely glad that I have done one set of exams. I feel so free and like I can relax for a bit. That subject weighs you down so much. It’s no wonder that the majority I’ve met with law degrees are so dull and up themselves. It’s so complex that it hurts my head. There are bits of it that were interesting, but others bits of the topics bored me to tears. The subject makes a person uptight. 

The last few weeks I’ve been very uptight because I knew I had to know enough to get a c or above. The two scenarios that came up on todays paper were the ones I hated the most due to finding them too complex. They were my weakest areas. Also, the fire alarm went off about ten minutes into the exam. We all had to go outside and it didn’t make it any easier. I didn’t end up with yellow paper for my exams in the end. It was not a major issue because I had my glasses on anyway. I just was led to believe that is what had been agreed.

I just had a much needed cup of tea and am now going to relax. I need a nap too because I hardly slept last night. I was going through all my revision for unit 2 to make sure that I didn’t miss anything. I did wing a lot of the two most complicated questions at the end of each topic today. Those are 8 mark A* type questions and it’s always a positive move to at least attempt them because if you get any of the points right then there’s a few extra marks anyway. I’m very unsure that I got the angle of the first topics continuous prose question right, but I added a few credible points relating to public nuisance etc and mentioned how it related to human rights. It may not be right but they do award points for explorative answers. The other continuous prose question was in regards to self-defence. Basically asking you to critically evaluate why the use of self-defence is not always a defence that is good to use in murder trial situations. That wasn’t the exact wording, but that was the scope of the question. I just put down everything I could remember about the advantages and disadvantages of the defence of self-defence and adapted it to what the question was asking.

Anyway, my brain needs a rest. I will be off for a much needed nap now. Goodnight 🙂

Sometimes my blood really boils but I can’t say anything (because I’m not allowed).

Those that know me in a personal capacity will know how I’m still affected by certain things that have gone on. I still have anger there about it too. I’m not fully ready to let go of the anger I feel towards certain things yet. I read something on a social network earlier by chance between one of the other person’s friends and them. Things will pop up from time to time on your walls if you’ve been linked with accounts because that is what social networks do. It made my blood literally boil though. After some of the things the friend of the other person said to me which in turn made me feel so evil at one point that I nearly took my own life, not to mention that at that point I was trolled by a load of the friendship group. It was about believing in people from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Those that know the situation are well aware that I am unable to retaliate with a comment because of the restraining order that is in place indefinitely due to everything that went on. However, it doesn’t stop me getting extremely upset over comments like that after what they did to me. I was totally let down and then blamed for it. Also, no one believed in me. I was from a disadvantaged background and in some stages of my life was abused. This other person certainly didn’t pay it forward, they actually pushed me into taking my own life nearly. The other person apparently didn’t want to hurt me (well that is what was said in court), but they have to understand that they’ve left me with ptsd effects after everything. I cannot forgive them for that. I go into a panic and end up shakey when my door buzzer rings. I cannot socialise without feeling like I want to escape.

I am well aware that everyone thinks I did everything on purpose. I wasn’t told anything way back when I should have been. I remember the conversation between me and the other person a week before everyone told me to stop emailing. They said the opposite and I continued to hold on to that memory in my head so that I had hope we’d be friends one day. I was also pushed extremely far to say the things I did to the other person via email. There was so much going on in the background that others haven’t a clue about. I was drinking. I had abusive support services, regardless of what they try to say about that period of time, their behaviour was abusive. I felt attacked so I retaliated.

Although, I don’t expect anyone to actually listen to me and believe I’m not an awful person, because others have to come to conclusions themselves. I can’t make other people see what was going on in my life to send me into meltdowns regularly. I’m a lot more relaxed now because I learned to distance myself from things I found upset me and left me unsettled constantly. I also decided to go onto medication after years of being reluctant to permanently try that treatment option as I hated the thought of weight gain. I now barely eat (because of money issues – benefit cuts and not having a job) so this issue is no longer something I have to worry about. All I care about is eating occasionally each day, the rent/bills being able to be paid for and the cats having enough to eat. I don’t need a lot and now my stomach has started to shrink I only need one sandwich a day. Sometimes breakfast cereal and a small main meal. The cats get more food than I do.

As far as I’m concerned, everything I have managed to do is because I did it for myself. I wasn’t helped by anyone else. I was never ever believed in because people only saw the negative parts of me associated with my disability. I will never forget that everyone let me down. And, I will never forgive either.