I went to the Gym for 2 and a half hours tonight. I just felt awful after my wii fit console told me I’d gained another 2lbs. And, it was even worse when it did my body tests. The centre of gravity in how I stand is almost perfect now (means you evenly balance your weight between each leg. However, it presented me with a wii fit age of 44! I came up as 38 last week. I’m sure that after many weeks of training it will start to even out but it’s quite depressing at this moment in time. I’ve seen photos of people that have been doing the Gym stuff and general other active things for 6 to 12 months and they look brilliant. I then look down at my flabby stomach and just think it’s going to take a hell of a lot of effort to get my body like theirs. I can feel my muscles toning because they’re getting firmer. The bit you want to go firm and less flabby is always the last to change shape.
It’s only been two weeks (but it feels much longer right now) since I started going the Gym every few days. I don’t have the time to go every single day and that is not a good way to do it because your muscles aren’t getting a break. Then you get injured and can’t go to the Gym for a while so you get completely unfit again. I do still feel unfit but I can’t really tell the difference right now because I feel ill anyway. I’m desperately trying to get fit in order to strengthen myself up so that things I have wrong with me won’t get to be major issues. There is a reason I put the don’t try this at home in brackets in the title of this entry. It’s not a great idea that others should be copying. I have done this when I was younger therefore I know how far I can push myself. I probably push myself too far because I’ve always had a strong mind. I push myself in all the things that I do because it’s how I’ve always compensated for my weaknesses. I have severe phone anxiety but if I need to make an important call I can make myself do it. I’m quite used to the petrified feeling I get when I do make a call now. There’s always days when I simply can’t do it and those just happen at random. It isn’t something that I can predict but those that know me are aware I find making a phone call hard because it gives me major anxiety. They do not force me to do it if I can’t on a particular day.
I used to get quite severe social anxiety but that is getting slightly better now. I used to like parties and loads of people when I was younger living down south but now I’d rather stay at home than go to places with huge gatherings of people. I like music but I’ve never been to a proper concert. I’ve watched bands in pubs but never been to a proper live concert. I’d love to go to see Nightwish but I am just put off by huge crowds of people when it comes to concerts. It doesn’t look like they’re touring the UK this year apart from appearing at a festival. I’ve made myself get used to things, so if I really enjoyed something I’d somehow make myself less sensory crushed by everything. It seems a lifetime ago when I used to dress in emo type style and listen to bands such as My Chemical Romance. The album from them which came out when I was a teenager was good, ‘Welcome to the black parade’. It’s a huge effort in the morning to dress like that nowadays. I’m happy in a top and some jeans because it’s easy. I can’t see properly to put eyeliner on due to my lazy eye. I had a lot of practice at one time because as a teenager I regularly wore make up and my eye sight was better. I know that illness has really made me boring. That is why I’m fighting against it because I know if I strengthen myself up then it won’t get worse.
I desperately want to feel like the old me again with lots of energy and who can smile. I don’t smile a lot nowadays, in fact, I barely smile at all. I am always so exhausted which makes it hard to smile. I’ve been through a lot which has resulted in depression. That makes me feel low and sometimes I end up crying or, very occasionally nowadays, suicidal. I am aware that listening to dark songs from the likes of Nightwish doesn’t probably help but I like their music. I listen to pop stuff sometimes but I don’t like it. I don’t think that music should be manufactured. The days where everything was original and all bands had their unique sound were the best times. It all changed in the 90s and everything became carbon copy type industry music and then the ones that didn’t stick to that now get referred to as ‘alternative’ or ‘indie’. I just think the industry has completely lost it’s way because all chart music sounds the same nowadays. I’m talking like I’m quite old but 30 does feel like I’m now on the older scale. I feel twice my age right now because I’m not well and desperately trying to prove myself. I don’t want to let anyone down in my new management job on that creative project. I definitely don’t want to fail any of my exams.
I have early starts nearly every day this week. I have college Tuesday and Thursday and then my therapy group tomorrow (well today now because this is being posted very early morning). It’s only Monday and Friday I was able to get up later this week. I’m not a morning person. I wake up to my alarm and I press the snooze button several times. It’s more difficult getting up when it’s still dark. I don’t have much choice because of what time my Maths lesson’s start. I honestly can’t wait for the Summer when all my exams are complete.
I think that I only had 3 hours sleep last night… which I can remember. It seemed like it was morning so quickly. I was half asleep as I got ready this morning but I was woken up instantly when I walked out of the flat because it was very cold. I came out of college at mid day and it was still extremely cold! I was so glad to get in today because I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning. I felt extremely sick when I got up so I was close to having a sick day. I had stomach pains at college but kind of went to the toilet a lot to keep them bearable. I was always in class when the tutor was going through the question paper which is the main objective really. I did better than I thought. I got 33 out of 45 which in the proper exam would definitely be a pass. I know that I seem intelligent, however, up until a week ago I was really awful at a lot of it. I spend hours upon hours going through weak areas to be able to pass. I study the question papers and the way they allocate marks.
I may make it look effortless, however, I assure you that behind the scenes I struggle majorly on a daily basis. I’m a very stubborn person who doesn’t accept that certain tasks are difficult for me because of my learning disabilities and autism combined. I know that this probably confuses people which is why I get called negative things and people make inaccurate assumptions about my intentions. I would welcome anyone to live one day as me and then they’d see how frustrated I get with areas of skills I just don’t have and trying to compensate for them. And, others are completely wrong, I have empathy. I get overwhelmed by the pain and suffering I feel from others. That is something I am very fed up of people saying. I feel extremely guilty about my behaviours that upset others to the point where I felt so bad I tried to commit suicide. Those that have put me through the hell of the criminal justice system that has left me with lasting damage because of my autism and learning disabilities obviously have no empathy either. Especially since every time that it has happened to me I was victim of discrimination first. I am sorry but I had a limit to all I could take before I blew and messaged the wrong thing to someone else. In regards to empathy, I’d like to put you all in a hypothetical scenario that people like myself find themselves in a lot. Imagine if you are on a course that you’ve wanted to do (or it could be employment in some cases) and how you communicate is just who you are and you aren’t able to change that. However, you are then given a choice (well it isn’t really a choice because you know you’re going to fail because you do not have the ability to do one of those ‘choices’), either do as required or be rejected which means losing the opportunity that you’ve wanted for life. In the case of the journalism course this was my situation. I reacted so strongly because someone I thought I could trust betrayed me and I lost that opportunity that I’d always wanted.
As much as I cared about the other person, I was very upset because that was my one and only chance in my eyes. I didn’t mean anything that I said and it was mainly said to wind the other person up. I just picked something at random from a lecture and rolled with it. It was never meant to go as far as it did. It certainly wasn’t meant to go as far as an indefinite restraining order. And I’ve tried to apologise because I just want to be friends, or at the very most on a forgiveness level, and put the past in the past. I can be an awful person when I’m angry and anxious but that isn’t who I normally am. I can honestly say that if there was any investigation into the other person’s conduct I certainly wasn’t behind it. I never wanted that. I made it clear to my support and everyone around me I didn’t want them punished. I’ve heard bits and it seems that both me and the other person were played off against each other by a system that is based on conflict and covering up mishaps. I’m not having my character discredited and being blamed for things I did not do just because officials want to avoid responsibility for things they haven’t done properly. I’m not having someone else hating me/being scared of me and keeping an order on against me because I’m blamed for things the system decided to do which I strongly opposed. There is a lot that I want to say that I legally can’t, even though it is highly accurate in describing how my ‘support’ service operated. They went against my wishes several times. And staff relations were quite rocky as well, but I cannot go into that any further because I was told to be silent or face consequences. But what I’m really trying to get at is put yourselves in my position then you’ll be able to have empathy with my situation and my position.
I woke up feeling awful this morning because I fell asleep very uptight about others judgements. I have used the tactic of ignoring them but I’ve got to the point where it is getting to constant digs via social media. I’m affected by things enough without having to be subjected to that. I’m seriously considering getting the local paper to publish an article clearing up any assumptions from my past. After all they were the ones that plastered my court case all over the front page when I was barely an adult. I could pop over there while I’m in the city. I have to do something. In my nightmare the other night the other university tutor (also a former journalist, however you never really retire from that kind of thing) had me on the ground trying to squash my face into the concrete. It might have been telling me that them and their mates are behind the constant cyber bullying. It doesn’t matter who is behind it, somehow I have to get people to see the person that I am now post the help courses I’ve recently been sent on.
I have had enough of people raking my past up. I am going to put everyone straight right now. The things people keep going on about were done when I was only 17 years old. A very backward 17 year old. I was more like a 12 year old mentally back then. And the other mistakes have been caused by me never having had a proper relationship in my life! Lack of experience not malice. It’s not about knowing right from wrong. It’s about not having that experience to do the expected things. I’ve had enough of peoples assumptions and I’ve been driven to attempt to commit suicide because of them.
I’ve never had a boyfriend or even a girlfriend. I don’t know how to be in a relationship without being a screw up. And you wonder why I want to be given a new identity to start again free of my past. This is why because others won’t get to know me now. I’ve been on those probation courses and it’s changed me as a person because I learned things I naturally didn’t know. I’ve been punished enough several times over. Now it’s time to give it a rest. I’ve had my son adopted (denied a family) and can’t ever see or speak to the one person I miss so much due legalities. I am made to suffer day in day out due to what had happened so please don’t make it any harder.
These are only in the process at the moment due to a schedule that includes exams and other important things coming up in the near future for me. I’m hoping that by June ASSGO (main website is closed) and this blog is well on the way to being fully established. I’m going to transfer the information pages over to the blog. I was asked via twitter about whether the main aims are going to be the same as the website. They are going to be similar but not exactly the same. I did run the actual site so there is going to be things that are influences here which are the ones I put into the main website. The focus around acceptance and awareness of ASD’s are still going to a blog aim but I’m putting them into the background rather than the foreground. I’m going to try to incorporate it into things on the blog but not as the main focus in anything that I write on here. I want to go out there and be me rather than just a person with a diagnosis. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been prepared to come out as myself and try to sell all the things that make me weird. I am quite apprehensive about doing that because I’m actually quite a shy and reserved person (if you met me offline you’d be able to see how closed I sometimes am to others). I am reluctantly going to attempt to sell myself to complete strangers and others that may have already taken a disliking to me. That is a huge thing but once I’ve done it then it may finally show others that I’m nothing to be feared. I may be a bit different but it isn’t in a negative or scary way. I’m someone that just cannot be fake.
Therefore this may mean that I overshare at times but I have the inability to lie or be someone I am aware that I’m not because that is alien to me. I also fear that I must do this because it is a way of getting my life back. If I show that I’m not a scary person then I will stop being labelled the way that I have been and be able to have opportunities in life without them being taken away from me. I won’t have to mask my Autism and learning disabilities side because others misunderstand them and punish me for who I am. I’m going to be introducing you all to a person that I’ve never let any of you know before. Even my own family do not know me because I’ve always been that guarded. And it shows when people ask information about me to friends and family and they simply do not know. I’m talking very small pieces of information. That is most probably why I’ve never had a serious relationship in my life yet. I am going to do some more professional looking photos for things like this blog but right now I am not how I wish to look yet so that won’t be for a few months.
I thought today was probably going to be awful after barely sleeping last night because of nightmares again and again. I had one of my nails finally broke. I’m hoping that it doesn’t take too long to regrow again because the majority of my nails are much better than they were. There is still another one that will probably break soon unless the glue holding the damage together holds until I can file out the damage as it grows. I went to the Gym but didn’t do the same amount as the other day because due to lack of sleep I didn’t have the energy. I still spent over two hours there on all the machines I was using the other day. I can feel myself getting more toned already. I’ve not lost any weight but feeling less flabby in only the third week of January is good because all that Christmas food is now shedding off.
I think that I know what may have caused my nightmares last night. I forgot to take my anti depressant last night. I didn’t notice because missing one dosage doesn’t make much difference in regards to feeling low. I remember to take them most of the time but when I get home extremely late then that is when I forget. It’s okay to do it occasionally but not regularly. I won’t miss medication now because I did all that stupidity when I was younger. It isn’t a thing that you want to do because you haven’t a clue that you’re not well really but the medication is the thing stopping your depression. Within a few months you may have lost weight (which was caused by medication) but your depressed again a lot more than before. I stopped it mainly because I hated the weight gain but cold turkeying isn’t a great idea. I don’t wish to rely on medication for the rest of my life but right now it has to be that way.
I now have my manager badge made for me (at the online creative art project) and officially start in that position tomorrow (also I am on the rota for Wednesday and Friday). I’m back at my therapy group this week. It’s healthy emotions this time around. Then the last one I’m on is healthy relationships. I’m meeting my mentor this week and taking them to my pip assessment due to being too nervous and fearful about it to go on my own. I’m getting better at my the Maths for my level 1 exam but I’m struggling with the measurements functional skills questions. I will need to focus on practicing them and watching youtube tutorials. Once I get the concept of something then I am okay. I only have two weeks to learn how to answer the questions I am finding hard. We start going through past papers in class this week. I’m still trying to balance the two subjects (distance learning law gcse and maths functional skills) when revising at home.
I had such an awful nights sleep last night. I couldn’t settle because every time I fell asleep I would get a nightmare happen. I fell asleep last night and then I felt like I was being attacked. I was scared every time so I fought to wake up. It was extremely scary. It has always been male things attacking me. This time it was definitely female and I felt that it was ten times worse than what I used to get woken up by after falling asleep. It felt like a feminine presence trying to crush my head (we are much more vicious than guys). It felt real enough that I felt like I was actually being injured in my dream. I woke up several times after this experience. Then I was scared to go to sleep again. I may have dropped off this morning but I just couldn’t last night because I was absolutely terrified. I am not as tired as I thought I’d be. I’m going to try to go for another long gym session like the other day. I have to keep it going.