One of those days but at least my hair didn’t turn out too badly.

I woke up this morning after having very little sleep. That was my own fault though because I decided to bleach my hair at a stupid hour last night. It takes nearly 3 hours to do the whole bleaching process. It takes a long time to put bleach on hair as thick as mine, especially on my own. I have to have two boxes on my hair because it just doesn’t cover the whole lot of it if I only buy one box. I will probably have to use about four boxes of bleach if it grows down to my bum (as I’ve always wanted it to for a long time). I’m gradually building the colour up because if I keep doing it too much it will ruin my hair. I’ve left it about a fortnight (ideally you should leave it longer but I have been keeping it very conditioned and put coconut oil through it to make it quite moisturised before bleaching).

I would have left it longer but for the fact it was going dark again. The first time the bleach went a bit diluted because the powder stayed in that form so I had to add water to it. That kind of stopped the bleach lightening up to 8 times from the base colour (says on the box). The one I put on last night lifted about 4 to 6 tones (very weak lifting agent). I will definitely need the up to 8 levels bleach next time to phase out the ginger and lift the dark parts which have got missed on this occasion. I’m not using that first brand again though because the bleach didn’t mix properly. I do not recommend this to those thinking that experimenting with bleach is a good idea. It most definitely isn’t. I’ve made sure that most of my hair has not snapped. However ,there are still some ends that didn’t survive. The key is keeping it in reasonable condition by using conditioning treatments and oils to prevent split ends. Here is my attempt so far:


I wasn’t too happy when I got up to find that at some point my hairdryer has been stolen. I barely ever use it. I wasn’t wanting to straighten my hair today (because it isn’t a good idea when you’ve just bleached it), but I was given no choice because someone took my hairdryer. I barely use it so I haven’t a clue when it was taken or who did it. But, definitely. no one is coming in to my flat again. I know exactly where it was because it is always put in a particular place. I never move it.

I walked to the supermarket and back this afternoon to get my weekly food shop. I feel better for that. I’m extremely tired though. I have also had a phone number (mobile number ending 44) keep ringing my landline on and off for a few years. I go to pick it up and the line drops out. It started about the time I was at the university and everything started kicking off. I no longer have the same mobile number because I’ve changed it since then. I had withheld numbers call that and I’d pick it up and the person never spoke at the other end. I would like to request that whoever keeps ringing my landline and hanging up to stop doing it. Unless they’re attempting to sort the whole situation out for me, otherwise I’m not interested.


I’m not being ‘lazy’, I need this ‘me’ time.

I’ve done a lot of things today. The cat’s litter has been changed. I went for a walk. I washed up and did other bits around the flat. And it’s also one of my days on the rota at Fledglings too (I space out my days, Monday, Wednesday and Friday). I did sleep in until late, after getting up at half 10 for my breakfast, because I was just exhausted. It is the most annoying thing to wake up just as exhausted as you were the night before when you went to sleep. I woke up actually feeling like I’d had no sleep.

People may see some of the things I do as laziness, but it’s not. I need this me time to recharge myself. If I tried to keep going (which I have on occasions) I then end up completely exhausted to the point where I am nearly in tears. That is why I space my rota days on fledglings out and also why if I do manage to get a job at some point then I’ll only be able to do part time hours. Again, that will only be 2 to 3 days a week depending on the job (whether your hours are weekday or weekends included). I study until quite late because going to bed before midnight seems quite wrong to me. I was awake past midnight last night because I didn’t get home until late and then by the time I’d had a bath it was about 1am. However, I do remember sleeping quite quickly because I was that tired after getting woken up at 7 am.

As an autistic person, I shouldn’t be able to multi task. But, I’m doing this right now. I’m posting feedback on fledgling wings (groups) posts. That has taken a lot of practice though. I have so many things I’ve committed myself to, that most of the time it saves time to multi task flitting from one thing to another. I’m going to be starting something else in the summer. I have spoken to a friend I made at a jewellery class last year. She’s also keen on the starting up an online store to make and sell our own jewellery online. She still goes to the classes and I started the classes when I was living in Cambridgeshire. I’ve got a book out of the library with 80 simple designs for jewellery. I’m going to look at them and enhance them into unique designs. I’m going for the alternative smart but out there look. Her designs are different (a lot less alternative) but if we put those designs together on one website, then we will be able to appeal to a wide range of audiences. I really am keen on creating the Emma-Lucy Jewellery line. Those that used to bully me at school and all those that have picked on me for being different may well be walking around in a few years time wearing the Emma-Lucy Jewellery range.

Long day and done a lot more than I expected.

I have been awake since 7 a.m. It wasn’t by choice because I had a mate come over asking me for a lift urgently. I wasn’t that happy to see them because I’d only had 2 – 3 hours sleep last night. I was studying until late after getting home late and then wrote a blog entry later on. I don’t remember sleeping until about 4 am. I’m not going to go into the details but I went out in my PJs with my coat on underneath. Anyway I know absolutely nothing into the details of their life or their business. I have a rule in regards to the fact that I do not ask questions about aspects of the lives of others I associate with because then I cannot be dragged into something. It is the safest option. The only objection I have is when someone does whatever they decide to do under my roof. I don’t allow that because I do not want to lose my flat lease. I just keep my life separate from others because no one can really interfere with my life if I don’t allow certain boundaries to be crossed. I also don’t trust anyone, so my walls are firmly up. However, I will help people out if they need help because I’m that kind of person.

I decided that I was too awake when I got back to go back to bed when I got back home.  I got up and started tidying the flat. I washed my hair, put a face clay mask on (skin feels so much better for it), completed my Maths homework and then went for an hours walk (yes it was absolutely freezing out there). I thought as I am up I may as well get on with the things I needed to do because the cold air had completely woken me up. I’ve felt really reluctant to do anything over the last few days. I was just too exhausted to do anything. As I said, I just felt like giving up because everything seems too much at times. I’m not always like this but sometimes I just get to the point where I get over tired because I feel things around me so strongly. I can’t concentrate when I’m like that and nothing seems to get done.

I’m going to be exhausted by tonight because I’ve been busy all day. I will probably reset my sleep pattern anyway. That never lasts long though because I work on revision and my online voluntary job quite late at night sometimes. 

Dropping by with a few tips etc. I also really do not like this weather.

I had to drive home in that snow earlier (quite fed up of the snow now). I was scared stiff going down those roads where they hadn’t been gritted. I did try to keep to the main roads but in parts it was quite slippery. The worse parts were completely white and if you go too fast on them you will slide. It is no use using the break because it just sounds like a grinding noise and the car still doesn’t stop. I used the gears to keep at about 10 mph in the worse places. I was extremely glad to get home because since I had that accident in the snow I get so petrified of having another one. I’m trying to get used to driving in these weather conditions because it is quite possible that our weather patterns will change so that this is the kind of thing we will get more often. I also have a backup plan if I really don’t feel that I can drive in these conditions. I have a bus stop outside the block of flats where I live which I can catch to go to college etc.

I also have a few tips I’d like to share with you all. One of these things I tried on the off chance and would firmly recommend to others. I didn’t know if it would work but it was one of those moments where I just thought I’d try something. I have pet dry shampoo for my cat because obviously bathing a cat isn’t a wise idea and they do not like water. I have a cat who doesn’t wash herself properly and ends up smelling. I spray her and brush this lovely smelling dry pet shampoo over her, which also conditions her fir. It always leaves her smelling lovely and her fir feeling a lot less matted. I looked at my own hair this morning. I’d got a lot of product build up in there and it was starting to look a bit greasy. I try to refrain from washing my hair too much because it is the kind of hair type which lacks moisture if washed more than once a week. The dry shampoo for humans which I brought makes it dry and sometimes brittle at the ends. I know that humans can use products designed for pets sometimes. So, I sprayed it through my hair and brushed it through. It looks absolutely lovely. It is most likely better for us too because they put so many chemicals in the products which are designed for humans. They’re not allowed to do that when it comes to products for animals. In this case they cannot put harsh chemicals in this dry shampoo and conditioning spray for pets because they lick themselves to clean themselves (well if they’re not lazy like one of my cats). Also, rubbing oil into your scalp on a nightly basis before you go to sleep can really help hair growth speed. I use rosemary oil which is really cheap to buy off of places such as amazon, however, there are many oils which you can use. I sometimes use coconut oil but that tends to make hair go too greasy used on a daily basis. 

I’ve finally finished my revision and now can chill out a bit before I go to sleep. I’ve tried to revise in small chunks because right now I’m not feeling up to it. I know that I need to do some because I won’t pass my exams if I don’t. I’ve paid for the distance learning course and the exams, so I’d rather not fail. Law is a hard subject even at GCSE level because of all the case law which you need to include within some of the answers to exam questions. It seems to be getting easier to understand now so I must be getting somewhere. I looked at it last September and it just went right over my head. I never thought that I was intelligent enough to do this subject. It was only what I was conditioned to believe so I didn’t even try.

I know that I’m never going to get an A, but as long as I can get a C at the least then it will be a pass. I had a friend say I should aim to be a lawyer. Besides from the fact I cannot practice as a lawyer because of my criminal record, I would also probably end up arguing with the judge about the verdict if the client I am representing loses the case. I’m really not great with injustice. I get very passionate about arguing why it isn’t right. I’m doing the GCSE in the subject because it is a strong subject to pass. It’s a stepping stone to future things I want to get into and it shows I’m intellectually intelligent enough to understand complexities which are contained in such subjects. I’m determined to get back into university studying something (most likely not Journalism this time) at some point before I hit 35. I have 5 years and it should all work out if I pass my Maths GCSE after Level 2 functional skills on my first attempt. This year aim to pass level 2 functional skills and next year (September 2018 – June 2019) pass Maths GCSE. After that which will be September 2019 I can do a year Access course (easiest option when you didn’t do A Levels at school) and then by September 2020 I can get onto a university course in whichever subject I finally decide I’m going to study. I am aware that I need to brush up my English skills too because I don’t write well. I got a C in GCSE English but when I did the initial assessment at the other place I do my Maths lessons (we had to take both initial assessments despite wanting to only do one subject), I came up at a level 1. I think that I may have only just scrapped a C in that GCSE by sheer luck. The lack of education I had which results in me struggling really does frustrate me.

I’d like to finish by saying that my last entry wasn’t saying I was suicidal. I’m just extremely tired after everything that has happened. I’m not exactly going to go and commit suicide. I’ve been there and got through that many months ago. I know that we should all be careful what we wish for but I’m so tired that I’d welcome death right now just for a rest. I have been worn out psychologically from things happening in my life as it’s been one thing after another. It’s been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster and I long for peace. I don’t get peace because it has left me with nightmares. I’m more likely to finish myself off by accident by abusing the painkillers I really need to get off. It wouldn’t be intentional. I’ve been taking them to keep going because they have caffeine in them. I need to keep myself awake to fight this exhausted feeling. And, also it completely bugs me when people start acting concerned. They never gave a damn before when they stated that I was this, that or the other. I honestly do not want others concern. It’s too little, too late as far as I am concerned. When I needed others to stand up for me or even be there for me, everyone disappeared. I ended up on my own through circumstances. So please don’t start trying to sympathise and be supportive now. 

I’m just wanting to end my life.

I am exhausted. I wish that I was dead. I’m not even depressed. I am just that tired, existing seems too much effort. I wish that I could just die to get away from life. I can’t deal with everything because it has drained me completely.  I don’t want to be alive anymore. It’s not even suicidal feelings. I’m worn out and for the last week I’ve wrote ” I’m done here, please take me”.

I’ve been thinking… and maybe over analysing things… but when I’m this worn out it’s so easy to do.

I’ve only just got in today after being out since 8 a.m. It is now nearly 6 p.m. I am really tired and can feel a migraine coming on. I have pushed myself constantly all day because I had a lot on. I do feel it when I push myself hard. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home for a few bits and cash out of the machine. I literally felt dizzy in there because the feeling of being worn out just hit me. I then started getting a migraine. I wasn’t feeling that settled this morning anyway. I nearly walked out of my Maths class (well didn’t go back after break) because I just had the wanting to escape feeling. It wasn’t personal about anyone around me but I just felt like I had to go. I stopped myself, but I was so close to walking out of the door and not going back.

I’m more affected by what has happened than I am prepared to acknowledge. I had a comment made to me by a neighbour yesterday which I know probably wasn’t meant to be offensive but I took it that way. They asked me why I was always on my own away from people. I just said I preferred it. But, then I thought to myself, why the hell should I explain the way I live my life to someone else. If I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with other people after how I have been treated in my life, then that is my business. I do not have to justify it to them.

I’ve also been thinking about everything that has happened. Why did everyone who attacked me via social networking not contact me until 2 years after it had been going on? If others had just contacted me before everything blew up into a massive mess then what is now could had been avoided. I would have appreciated someone at least coming to me and informing me about what the other person had been apparently saying behind my back. Instead, they ended up making a fool of me because I had no idea just how awful the things were that they had been saying behind my back. The other person was making me look completely awful and I had absolutely no idea. Those that knew the other person or me could have tipped me off a hell of a lot earlier. I don’t like looking like a fool and being put through the things which I was put through. I may be socially naïve but I am sure that people added me to fish to see what would make me react. Then they were triggering both sides of the situation to see ‘the fireworks’. I don’t know how those individuals can call themselves friends of the other person. A friend wouldn’t want to make things worse for them by winding everyone up. I truly cared about their friend and I still feel terrible for what happened every single day of my life. The other person never wants to see me again.

However, despite how awfully I feel they treated me, I still care. If they needed something from me and they had dropped the order, then I’d still be there for them in a heartbeat. It’s not their fault that they didn’t understand my disability or wasn’t able to cope with it, and given  what has come out, I am sure that other individuals have been stirring the pot for a while to make that aspect right. These individuals that did that are just superficial. I had a reason for acting the way that I did because I knew no better. I had never been in a relationship so I had no experience of knowing what not to do. They had absolutely no excuse for acting like they did within the situation. I know that some of them have been accessing my blog for a very long time. I’ve managed to get over my feelings of anger towards what the other person involved said in judgment of me during the case. That was extremely difficult. Regardless whether I wish to be connected to the other person, I will always feel things because I’m naturally able to feel things. Those that don’t have those abilities tell me that I should never forgive the other person. Also, the mature thing to do is not to hate another or hold on to past resentments for their actions or things they said, but try to understand them as a person. I can feel things and I’m not saying them on here because I could give information out that others want kept private.

But, in regards to testing ‘my gift’ (which I see as a curse), I’m just going to say a bit of what I pick up. I see a group of ‘gossiping’ women that includes the other person involved in the situation. Each one of those in that group has spread their version of what was relayed to them by the other person. I hope that this proves to others that doubt I have that intuitive streak within me. I hate it. I find it annoying. Especially when I walk into a crowded place, all these feelings hit me from others and if I sense that someone is suffering I cannot shake it off. I hate being powerless to do anything about it. I’ve never seen the sense in feelings and being able to pick things up if I cannot stop them. I actually dreamt about my Dad’s death 8 weeks before it occurred. I felt so guilty the day I got given the news (I was living away from home down south at the time). I’d only spoken to my Dad the day before. I later found out that he also knew that it was ‘his time’ (think I inherited the ability) because my Mum said he’d woken up from a nap on the sofa a few days before that saying he was dying, she told him to stop being daft basically. A few days later he’d passed away.

There is a photograph of a part of the lake district with my Grandad who passed away when I was just 4 years old, which I remember visiting with my Dad very near the time he passed away. As a very young child I remember waking up after having a dream of my Grandad there. I told my parents and they were just like okay. I saw my Dad in dreams for about 3 years after he passed away. Then I had a dream where they were both in the location where the photo had been taken. They were both happy and there was a huge rainbow in the sky. After that, I never saw my Dad in a dream again. I’m sure that my Grandad (his Dad) came to ‘fetch him’ once he’d accepted his passing. He was only 62 and even though he was ill for a very long time, but it doesn’t mean that he accepted it. I remember talking to him in a dream not long before I had that dream of him and Grandad, I told him that he could go because I was grown up and didn’t need him hanging around any longer. I don’t like the thought of him hanging around in spirit when he could move on. I was losing my son to adoption at that time and I didn’t want him to see that. I never wanted him to see me break down completely to something he would never have recognised. I was suffering after my son’s adoption for a very long time and everyone I seemed to be involved with made things worse for me. 

Then there is those really small things that happen. For instance, I had the song Perfect by Fairground Attraction come into my head. Then I flicked onto a radio station and it was playing on it. I don’t even like the song that much. I do that quite regularly. I have a song pop in my head that I haven’t heard in a while, flick through a few radio stations and it’s literally on one of them. I sense things all the time. I try to protect everyone around me by trying to carry on as normal. It was a huge burden more in the past. I have found more ways to block it as I have got older.  Those that are into the spiritual stuff (who I have found randomly throughout my life in may different places) tell me I’m not Autistic but an empath who hadn’t a clue how to deal with how much they felt the world around them. I do get overwhelmed easily. I get very irritated with all the awful things that go on in this world. I have ended up in tears because I feel so much. I don’t think that I even have depression as such, I just look around and feel things so intensely. I see so much cruelty and pain in a hateful world. 

Popping by briefly. A few changes have happened. And a mini lesson on law to help my revision progress (I’m attempting to apply it certain aspects of life).

I know that I did say I wasn’t going to be around so much but I’m stuck in the library after finishing some admin work in regards to benefit appeals etc. I’m not going out there yet because the rain is quite heavy.  I get funny looks because others aren’t used to people bringing their own sellotape to the library nowadays. I needed it to seal up the bigger envelope because the sticky stuff has dried out due to them being extremely old. The paperwork I have put in envelopes will get soaked before I even get them to the post office across the road.

I will start with some great news which has quite frankly been a huge relief to me. I got a phone call from my landlord letting me know that they were definitely keeping the flat. They offered me a 6 of 12 months contract. I’ve opted for a 12 months contract because I’m in no position to move yet. It is a huge weight off my mind knowing that I now have a roof over my head for the time being. 

I need to get back to tidy my flat and do much needed revision for my law GCSE exam. That isn’t going too well. I am finding it so hard to memorise things. I only get bits but not everything. It is quite annoying especially when it comes to remembering case law that relates to specific circumstances, such as the ‘but for’ and ‘causation’. They have two cases of the same name called Cunningham but one is from 1952 and the other is from 1984 (don’t quote me on those dates). In those cases I’m going to have to be able to remember the differences because they relate to completely different circumstances and parts of case law. I was going through actus reus and mens rea aspects last night. Basically elements of a crime to all those that have no idea regarding latin terminology. There is a lot more to it than just the act. Also, mens rea isn’t taken into account under any law which has been introduced by statute (an act of parliament in laymans terms). As the UK doesn’t have their law codified, nearly every part of our law is an act of parliament. Those laws which have been introduced via a statute are strict liability which basically it doesn’t matter if someone means to break it or something happens on their behalf which they do not know about (known as ought to have known. eg. Harrow London Borough Council v Shah and Shah when their employee sold a lottery ticket to someone under 16). There are also many criminal laws that come under statute too. The GCSE syllabus only focuses on certain crimes like Assault, Battery, Theft, ABH, GBH (s 20 or s 47 depending on severity of injury sustained), Manslaughter and Murder (both Manslaughter and Murder is contained in the Homicide Act). The only part where mens rea is used is in a crime such as Murder and this doesn’t excuse the act, instead it reduces it to Manslaughter.

In regards to the law that I got labelled a criminal under (Harassment Act 1997), that is a strict liability one because it was enacted by an act of parliament. If there was law reforms it would have to amended and written into the current act. However, it has already been reformed once because it was allowing murders to happen before the police could intervene. As I said before though, if someone is angry enough at someone then they’d never care about an order telling them to keep away. Therefore, in reality it changes nothing, and there have been many incidences since the law was changed where people have still ended up murdered. There has also been many with disabilities (especially learning disabilities) that have got caught up in these law changes who should have been diverted away from the criminal justice system. I was told by the local police chief that officers are supposed to use their discretion when deciding whether to charge an individual. In reality, this doesn’t happen because there isn’t enough police officers (due to cuts) to properly deal with every incident that gets reported to them. That isn’t even taking into consideration the paperwork required for every case which gets reported. They know that if they miss something which results in a situation escalating into something with dire consequences, then it will come back on them (due to health and safety laws being strict liability).

There is too many people needing services now due to population increases. In a conversation the other day, I was told that a case worker (not stated in regards to the organisation or service that it was) has 60 cases. It is no wonder that the wrong decisions are constantly being made because it isn’t humanly possible to be attentive to that many cases. There is absolutely no way that our system is going to improve while it is being basically run on a shoe string. Those that are out to cause harm to others know that the system is at breaking point and will take advantage of that. Those of us that could do with the support don’t get it or if they do it isn’t the right support because the system doesn’t have the resources. 

In our exams we are told to stick to the IDEA formula when answering questions on criminal liability. This stands for Identify the crime in the scenario, define the main aspects of the actus reas etc, explain how it applies to the scenario and then apply it to the scenario. They suggest that we break it into paragraphs because it makes it easier for the examiners to mark. Obviously, this doesn’t work for other questions which are more likely to be on the first paper on the English legal system. This formula is more applicable to paper two when we have to apply our knowledge to scenarios provided (law in action).

I’m going to make myself go to the Gym tonight because I am fed up of my weight going back up. It went down quite well, but then it yo-yoed back up again.