Distracted but can’t do nothing about it!

Earlier I mentioned that I was distracted by things. It isn’t just by things that are less boring than the studying that I’m supposed to be doing for exams. It is also that I am constantly thinking about what has gone on when I’m not focusing on anything else. I get stressed over everything being the way it is indefinitely and I can’t go to anyone or discuss it because no one can help me change it. I’m getting to the point where I cannot stand things being the way they are long term. Other people getting involved have just made the situation ten times worse. I’m going to fail my exams if things stay like this because I cannot cope with things as they are long term. I literally cannot go to anyone to help get things changed because no one is interested in how I feel or how it’s affecting me. This isn’t a choice. We can’t chose whether we are affected by things. I can’t concentrate on my work because I feel guilty about the past and am worrying about the other person involved. I also really need forgiveness before I can truly move on. I find no body else’s feedback helpful so I simply cannot discuss how I feel. I want the order taken off or it being put on a time limit rather than indefinite, but pushing the other person involved will only cause them to dig their heels in more. It is going to affect my grades because I’m not concentrating properly. I just want things sorted and all the time I’m getting stressed at it being the way that it is. I don’t want to upset anyone but it’s doing me no good. And, ever since the car crash (which made me fear the other person might have been involved) the other week I am now worried that something will happen to the other person and things will be left as they are. I don’t want to anger anyone else but I can’t carry on like this much longer. It is affecting me extremely badly at times. 

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Well that didn’t last long…

I woke up this morning and had absolutely no energy again. I nearly fell over when I did get out of bed. I’m hoping after I do a few Gym sessions like Thursday evening I will have  energy for more than one day. I probably shouldn’t have used that energy to go on a long walk because I haven’t done any studying since Thursday night. I had the best intentions to do it yesterday but even yellow overlays won’t compensate for how easily I get distracted by things that are less boring. I know that I’m not anywhere near the point where I know enough to just scrap the grade I need. I only have about 80 days for the law gcse exam and less than a month until my level 1 maths exams. The housework hasn’t been great either. I have been preoccupied with things like my weight which is getting irritating because every day not being able to do my trousers up without them feeling tight is irritating me. My weight won’t  shift from ten and a half stone.

Energy levels back to normal and other developments.

I have been for a two hour walk today. I also went for a three hour gym session yesterday. Thirty minutes on four different bike sort of things each. Then four weight machines and  five minutes on the treadmill of which I ran for two minutes and walked for the other three minutes. I pushed myself harder than I have done in a long time last night. I have the energy that I haven’t had for the first time in over a year. I woke up this morning (well nearer afternoon because I was studying till late and the gym wore me out) I felt like my old self. I was happy despite everything they will always remain on my mind. The yellow overlays really do work. The stuff I covered in my revision folder last night I still remembered. I’ve been reading things and it’s gone straight out of my head. I still only have a half hour attention span before I start drifting away thinking about something else I have to do etc. I’ve never really taken much notice before. I pushed my learning disabilities to one side because I thought that I could ignore them. I am now fully aware that it doesn’t work in that manner. I could have fixed my issues long before now and not had to go through so much hurt if I’d just acknowledged that side of me. I’m now hated or feared by many for things I actually didn’t understand which they assumed I did on purpose. I was negligent but not an awful person. Others don’t understand that I never wanted to accept my disability. It’s just like an elderly person not accepting aging… it’s not going away and if they don’t use a walking stick etc they won’t be able to get around. In my case if I don’t use these assistance things they make for autism/learning disabilities then I will never be able to have a normal life.

I got a phone call from my social worker today. They’re still leaving me on a 117 aftercare section. I don’t want to be on it now. I see leaving me on that as a form of punishment. Punishment for having my disability which is lifelong. It isn’t a choice and when places access information on me with this written down they do not listen to me. They treat me like a ‘non-person’. You’re not a proper person so however they treat you doesn’t matter. I have worked really hard… more than those that judge me will ever know. I deserve to be taken off things like that so that I am seen as a proper person again and not just someone’s who can be used to transfer money for the purposes of so called support. It’s not like the supoort that they paid for made anything better  for me, they actually made it worse. I found out many things way down the line that would have avoided things that are now unrepairable because I was not informed by those supposed to be being paid to support me. That makes me look in a negative light when I was none the wiser about things going on behind the scenes. I look a cow to someone I truly cared about more than they will ever know. I’ve spent years being left on this thing and actually finding the so called help services make things more complex and in the long run things have got worse because of them. They will try to blame me because it looks bad for them but the things that went on behind closed doors weren’t right. If I’m asked what happened then I’m not going to ‘avoid the question’, I will tell others exactly what occurred. I just want to be free after I’ve worked so hard and fixed my own issues because there was no other choice. Although, I’m thinking that to those professionals that do not have a clue how my disability affects me and completely accuses me of being something that I am not, this would be too much to ask. I have been accused of being so much that I know I’m certainly not. I was over enthusiastic when wanting a friend, that doesn’t mean I’m a stalker.

I’ve had a stalker and they are very dangerous people. There is a huge difference. In fact I’ve had a few stalkers. One text me refusing to say who they were until one night they came in my window at 3am in the morning. The person lived on the same block of flats as me and they used to watch my flat from theirs up until the point where I got a text telling me how beautiful I looked when I took my rubbish out to the bin. Then there was that woman who a lot of my friends at the time (I was living down south) knew tried to befriend me. Behind my back she was ringing up children’s services (and also got others to ring with her) which got my son put on a pre birth plan. She didn’t stop at that. I was in the hospital having my son and she (and the others she’d dragged into it) was constantly ringing child services telling them not to let my son go home with me because he’d be dead within a week. Due to this person I couldn’t even be with my son alone because my Mum was told that I wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t even take my own baby for a walk. They didn’t stop there and never stopped until they got him taken away and adopted. I would NEVER dream of doing these things to another. Those are true stalkers and they are evil individuals that get a kick out of destroying others lives. I’ve never really said in full detail about how my son came to end up adopted but it was mostly down to my stalker. They are still out there lingering around trying to destroy every opportunity I manage to obtain. I generally didn’t know how to make and keep friends. That doesn’t make me dangerous. I would NEVER go out to destroy another like my stalker did to me. If anyone got investigated at the university that wasn’t even on my say so, the authorities probably did it and said it was my wishes. I have nothing to do with any of that. I was rightfully upset about losing an opportunity which I’ve wanted to do since I was very young. There was a refusal to even try to understand my disability and many assumptions made by the higher ups that didn’t even know me. If I knew the authorities were trying to get an investigation happening to the other person involved or that they wanted them sanctioned then I would have point blankly told them in no uncertain terms that this wasn’t what I wanted. It was hard because I’ve only just learned to express myself fully and explain things. But now I know how to do that I’m making sure that others know exactly how it is and how it is not. 

I’m getting somewhere :)

I have always been quite reluctant to be open about my learning disabilities side. However, I feel comfortable with being more forthcoming about that side of me now. I don’t think I have the right diagnosis. I was diagnosed at a time where I didn’t speak in even full sentences, let alone be able to give detail to anyone diagnosing me. I have spoken to others both diagnosed with either Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. I cannot relate to Asperger Syndrome, however, I can fully relate to the things that those with High Functioning Autism experience. The sensitivity of my hearing and smell. It’s higher than those with Asperger Syndrome. I have hearing that can hear the smallest of sounds eg. electric in plugs at night (which can be quite annoying). I haven’t got such a sensitive sense of smell but it’s still more able to pick up smells than the average person without an ASD. Others have always thought that I was highly intelligent on the Asperger level, but I do not think that I was whatsoever.

I had parents that wanted me to grow up to be a ‘normal’ adult. They used to tell the authorities that I was smart but I think they over estimated me due to their own expectations. I am intelligent to a certain level but not exceptional like most others diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I don’t know how you get assessed to change your diagnosis but I do feel that it would help others to understand me more and actually get me supported properly if I got assessed again to be put in a category that I feel I belong in more. I’m not a fan of labels, however, if it stops misunderstandings in the future and a load of painful experiences then it would be worth it. I have never felt like I belonged under mental health services. I feel like I’d have benefitted by being put under learning disabilities. I feel that I would have got supported better then because others wouldn’t just have made an assumption that I misbehaved on purpose due to being unable to do what they expected me to do.

In any case where someone is put into the wrong category it is most likely going to fail. I personally don’t see age as a thing, but if you put an older person with a teenager their maturity level is going to be different. That just will not work because they just won’t understand where each other are coming from. I know that this is a known issue because before I gained some majority I had absolutely no idea where those that were older than me were coming from when we discussed things. The example above just shows that, in any case, if a person is not on the same level as they’ve been labelled then progress is absolutely impossible. It was the only example I could think of which illustrated what I wanted to point out. There are other examples but I have a tired brain right now. I’m not mentally ill. I was born with a different brain which got damaged by Epilepsy (science says that each seizure changes brain structures) and being treated with medication that was too strong for a child. Okay, maybe I have got mental illness over the years eg. depression and PTSD symptoms but I’ve only had them since my experiences of being put in the mental illness category. The system can make those that grow up in it mentally ill because it’s not fit for purpose and there’s so much coldness to it.

I’ve been judged by a lot of people who do not know me whatsoever. They haven’t bothered to even have any extended form of communication with me before coming to the conclusion that I am an awful, crazy or malicious person. I’m also at fault there because I’ve never really let anyone get to know me because I never really understood the concept of networking or being social when I was younger. I’m only starting to be more open to it now but only because I know that getting out there and letting people know me stops assumptions and is important for networking in the media industry. It also annoys me when others tell me I’m being selfish because I’m only ‘thinking about me’. Others don’t take into account how I feel or how I’m affected either so as far as I’m concerned they’re also selfish. For example: right now I’ve said basically fine have it your way in regards to the order still being in force etc. However, I don’t see the other person giving a damn how I feel and how distracted I really am when I do start thinking over things. It affects my college work and my grades… yet I’m the one that is selfish… okay then. I’m the one thinking I don’t want them to lose their job or get any more hurt by the situation. I care so much about the other person that I’m willing to drop an issue (the outstanding order and the fact that I wanted to appeal the exclusion from the university at the time but I was denied that option by my so called support service) which is affecting my confidence and making me depressed. I had to go on medication which makes me gain weight. Yet, this apparently makes me selfish. I’m sacrificing a lot to make the other person happy and comfortable because I care so much that I hurt them previously. I will hate myself forever due to those things. I nearly committed suicide because I felt so bad about what I had done and couldn’t live with myself.

Anyway, today I have been given a yellow overlay, exercise book (yellow paper etc.) and a yellow coloured ruler reader. I’ve not read a book for years because I lose my place several times which eventually makes me quite irritated so I just lose interest. Then I’ve always seen flashing white light every time I’ve seen something dark blue. Both of these things have always affected my concentration. I will soon find out if these help me process information because I haven’t been taking in my law gcse revision very well. I’ve never tried these adaptations. I’ve read on the internet about tinted glasses for those with Autism. They help those with Autism read other people. I think they’re still in the manufacturing testing stage. However, they should be perfected by the time I am at the age where I was told I’d most probably be wearing glasses permanently because of my lazy eye. It would be worth a try and if anyone wants someone as a study participant in the meantime then I’d be willing to be involved to see if they worked for me.

Worn out with how things are… Please I need things to change.

I don’t want to appear pushy but I wish that things weren’t staying as they are regarding the order etc because it’s not fair to punish me forever. I can’t help it if I feel stressed out and upset over it. I’ve suffered enough. I made my mistakes because I was young and stupid. I made my them because I was naïve and I rushed into things which I shouldn’t have done. I was pushed to say the things I did by how I was treated. It continues to affect me, but I’m not the one that can change it. I fought for the help that I’m currently getting for many years. The help that I couldn’t get under social services because the system is so unfit for purpose. I’ve worked so hard. I never deserved to be punished for things relating to my disability anyway. The system has to put away its red tape and do what is right rather than what legislation states can and can’t happen.

If someone has worked hard on recovery to become as ‘normal’ as possible, isn’t it time I was given something positive back. Leaving things as they are isn’t helping me. I may have pushed it to the back of my mind but it still affects me on a daily basis because I hate the thought of things being this way any longer. It’s making me worn out just thinking about this staying the way it is forever. I’ve been punished enough. I’ve learned my lesson. I care about the other person but if they even respected me even a little as a person they’d take it off or at least apply to vary it so that it doesn’t last indefinitely. I’m not even asking them to care about me. I’m a different person now. I used to let my Asperger Syndrome define me, but there’s nothing more annoying to me now than being seen as a female with ASD. I am Em. Not a female on the spectrum. I have an identity beyond that fact. I just need this nightmare over because it’s horrible being punished day after day by an order I no longer deserve. I’ve served my punishment several times over and it’s cruel to keep it on and not work things out. I can’t stand things staying as they are right now.

Frustratingly exhausted !

I have barely done anything today. I went for a two hour walk but when I got back I felt exhausted but not managed to have a nap yet. Again I woke up this morning and the bedroom lamp was off. It’s weird because I know that I didn’t turn it off. Yesterday I woke up and it was on. However both days I woke up during the weekend it was off. I woke up attached to a cat this morning. Both of mine always go to sleep next to me during the night. Mister had hooked his paw to my pj top arm. I turned over and his front leg came with me. The funny part was he didn’t wake up. That shows how comfy he felt and he looked like he was in a deep sleep. I have moved him from my chair to the bed before without him waking up. He’s such a lazy cat. He’s let his sister catch a mouse or bird etc and then bought it in pretending he had caught it for me. It’s also funny because he’s a wimp compared to the other car. Mimi is tiny yet he will run and hide, whereas Mimi will go towards the threat either staring it out or hissing at it. A lot of times that threat is Dave who is the cat which turned up on my doorstep and has half moved in.

This exhaustion is getting to me though. I need to do the housework and some college work but I just can’t do it. My energy levels aren’t even getting higher eating anything. I can normally get a bit by eating but that’s not working today. I miss the days when I had some energy stores left. I wish that I’d have made the most of those days when I had energy and wasn’t constantly exhausted. The last burst of proper energy I had was trying to persuade the other person to drop the restraining order or at least amend it so it wasn’t for life. Then I get punished for that and the stress of everything just took the rest of my energy away. Remember I was shoved in a cell because I was petrified of going to court for breaking it so I kept avoiding the court date. I let go because I do not have the energy to try to make my point anymore to persuade others I do not deserve it. I have made it clear what I want and I’m no longer going to spell it out again. This illness is at a stage where I could do with others support rather than slating. If others aren’t prepared to do that then I can’t be bother with them. I haven’t the energy to deal with people throwing crap at me for the past. There is a good chance that behaviour issues were just the beginning of all this I’m experiencing now. At least my ocd emailing has finally gone because I am too exhausted to use my energy for things like that. That is what others wanted so now I’m kind of controlled enough to be friends with… anyway, I must go to feed the cats as Mimi keeps getting up and checking to see if I’ve noticed it’s their feeding time yet and I can hear mister moving around.

 

Some things are also going to be changing.

I’m aware of what has been said behind my back over many years by other women on the spectrum. This means that I am no longer going to be campaigning for the Asperger’s acceptance cause. Intentional vindictive behaviour behind a persons back isn’t excusable. At least I owed up to anything bitchy I’ve ever done. Instead, I will be coming out as an individual on the spectrum using various talents which I have. And maintain the opinion and message that a diagnosis is only a label to name the set of symptoms that a person has. It is simply just an opinion. We don’t have to accept our diagnosis. I don’t want to be just a woman diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome or any other mental health label. I want to earn my right to be included rather than excluded. I want to be seen as a strong woman who fought off her issues and came out the other end with an identity I can be proud of instead of constant shame I feel because of others not understanding my issues. I do not want the label for life and as I’ve matured I really think I can mask into some form of normality. Even if I have to cover my social messes with humour so that others don’t get angry at me so often. Basically, I’m not helping others out anymore like I used to because they didn’t appreciate it obviously due to what I’ve heard. I’m going to live my life for myself.

I’ve had two people say to me that they don’t think I knew the other person like I thought that I did in the situation that happened at university and then trailed into the last 3 years. I felt more than I let on. I knew that they were cold. But that doesn’t mean in an awful way. I’m cold sometimes because it keeps me from getting involved in others life crisises. It’s a form of protection. And if the truth be told I think we were more similar than we both care to admit. I’m quite quiet and do not show the inner me because I have built walls due to my life experiences. But I can feel where we are similar and that is why we clashed. I changed when I had my son. I was very cold and lacked empathy before then. I’m again not saying that this is a negative thing. I don’t want to insult others by accident. I wouldn’t wish how much I feel things on anyone else now. I literally cry at anything to the point where it’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s hell. I feel suffering and pain around me because my empathy level rose quite high after having my son. I don’t get a lot of rest because of random stuff that comes to me and dreams I have. I wish that I was the way I used to be before having my son. Mother hormones are difficult, verging in hell to get used to and when you have your child taken from you it literally confuses your body because the reason those hormones are there is no longer there. I have no use for them. I was an awful mother because he never felt like mine due to post natal depression and the situation. I cared but I couldn’t show it. Caring comes out as anger because I can’t express it. It’s even worse when I’m anxious. But I’ve grown up being told by the system that I couldn’t express who I am. That wasn’t negotiable. It made me angry and trap all my emotions/feelings inside. It made me angry to express any feelings like caring etc. That leads to a lot of decisions being made in anger. Anyway, I’m not going into it fully, but I did feel who the other person was underneath. I’m not a judgemental person and I was actually attracted to what I felt. However, I must point out that I have always been attracted to dark things and danger. I’m also not saying that they were before others get upset with me.