I’m just taking time out of exam revision for a few hours. I am at the point where I’m no longer taking any information in. I’m quite tired because I woke up at a stupid hour this morning (due to one of the cats waking me up) and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I am going to attempt to have a nap because I don’t think I can concentrate on what I’m trying to learn for my exam in 2 days. Unit 2 is a lot harder because the laws, defences to answer questions on the scenario in the exam question. I find application quite challenging because I forget a lot of information. I’m trying to reserve as much energy as possible (because as regular readers are aware, I do not have much energy at times) in order to make sure my memory doesn’t let me down in the exam. I only went for a short walk today when I went to the doctors to have my blood test this morning.
I don’t watch the wright stuff much nowadays, but I caught a bit of it earlier. I’m either not up when I am at home or out doing things. I saw the bit about shops wanting to charge more for plus sized clothing. I have always disliked the fact that, as someone who is petite, I have been charged more for petite ranges of clothing than the ones with what they class as ‘normal’ measurements. I have to buy petite trousers because the normal length ones always drag on the ground unless I wear heels or wedges (which nowadays isn’t something I do regularly).
I’m absolutely fed up of hearing about ‘the royal wedding’. I do not know the couple and have no interest in the royal family so I just have absolutely no desire to hear all the talk about upcoming events. It kind of makes me feel quite down because I know that I’ll never get married. I don’t even wish to get married. I have no desire in that area. However, I don’t like others ramming their weddings and relationships down my throat in any shape or form. This is what I feel like it does with all the press coverage. Some of us are destined to be alone and will never have all that is being promoted right now. I never used to want to accept that, however, I matured and now have learned to accept that I probably will never have a relationship. I don’t feel like I have to make a compulsory effort if I’m not comfortable anymore though.
I don’t want to force any interactions because that is never a good way to form relationships or even maintain them. I simply can’t be who I am not. And anyway, I’m stupid when it comes to love etc. I still have feelings for someone who doesn’t want to ever see me again and I know they’re in a relationship with another. I must have been deluded and naïve in the first place to fall in love with them after how I ended up getting treated. We never know what we’re getting ourselves into until we’re in too deep and catch feelings. I will always have that hope that they change their mind in regards to me. I would take friendship because I respect that they are with another and it is in serious relationship territory. I know that they could never love me because I am just not someone who could ever be loved. I will always care though.
I am tired right now. It’s a positive tired feeling because I’ve kept myself busy all day. I wasn’t able to fall asleep (despite being tired) to have a nap, so I ended up getting up and doing things around the flat. I have to make the most of the times I can summon enough physical energy to do those kinds of tasks. It doesn’t happen very often nowadays. I need to try to improve my energy levels because if I have to try to get a job in order to get by (if I can’t get PIP back), then I will need energy to be able to do any job. I know that I’m getting more exhausted, more often and I’m hoping that I can find the cause of it. I’m currently having tests to try to get to the bottom of it. I have a blood test in the morning.
I can’t go on in this way because there are times that I get home and the exhaustion is that debilitating I just go to bed. I don’t even care if it’s early afternoon. When it’s literally at the point where it is actually painful to stay awake, this is absolute worse times. I keep getting migraines at the moment too. It is probably not helping with the stress of exams. Even if I did start to go out to socialise again, I’d not have the energy to do so. I barely have enough energy to do every day things at times. I can be okay at the start of the day. I then go out to do whatever I have on. I come back and I have to sleep because I literally can’t stay awake. I don’t feel like I can live a ‘normal’ life because I never know when it is going to ‘zap all my energy away’.
I really was reluctant to go to my exam this morning. I pushed myself to get up (despite probably only sleeping for 1 hour last night). I’m too tired to revise for the next paper yet and will be going for a nap after typing this entry. It’s amazing how fast I stripped my bed covers to put in the wash and then put the new ones on because I was that tired. I’ve never done the process that fast in my entire life. I was glad to get out of that school. I haven’t been there for years. I only looked around it as a youngster before I went to a smaller school. It was always quite a large place and spread out. However, it reminded me of a prison today. I am okay with the swiping in to get into buildings etc. This place had massive gates though around each group of buildings though, even prison type turn styles. I had to ask a member of staff I happened to see trying to get in to let me out. I feel sorry for the youngsters currently at school nowadays.
I am aware that this school I did my exam at today used to have a huge issue with drugs, but there is such a thing as over the top. As a visitor, I had to be escorted everywhere by different members of staff to each department (reception to exam office and then exam office to the main sports hall). I overheard that the place is becoming a specialist ASD unit via a conversation between a new staff member and a current staff member while I was being escorted over to the exam place. As much as I understand the issues related to ASD as some (mostly the males) on the spectrum can have violent tendencies and also wandering can be a potential issue. However, I feel that for people like myself, that kind of environment would be extremely scary. The enclosed area and confinement is something that doesn’t make us feel comfortable. I have been in that kind of environment in my teen years and I ended up with more severe issues than when I was put into it. I was glad to get out of that place. If that is how the schools which are being turned into academies are going then I’m completely against them.
I can’t sleep because I’m so wound up at this moment in time. I’m probably going to be failing my exam due to tiredness in a few hours time. This subject and everything that has happened is not doing me any good. I’m being constantly reminded of things that have hurt me.
I don’t see why I was so undeserving to be helped when I later find out that the other person that got me into trouble has helped everyone else. It isn’ fair. I am not the abuser. I retaliated to system abuse. These facts are going to continue to drive me mad because I can’ get answers to why I seem to be be so undeserving of help that I got treated and am continuing to be treated in the way that I have been. The other person has ruined my life and they can’t even see that. They make out that they’re so wonderful to others and that I deserved to be let down and treated awfully.
That isn’t the truth whatsoever. I’m beyond hurt by this issue. I am slowly being destroyed by it. They’ve only backed the system up in regards to the way they’ve always bullied me. I deserved to be believed and supported. I’m not an awful person at all and I wish that people could see that.
I’m relaxing but can’t totally chill out because I’m nervous about my exam tomorrow and the one later this week. I’m doubting myself because I’m scared that I will get a blank mind and just not be able to think of the answers. I shouldn’t be putting myself through exams because I’m cut up over everything that has happened. It’s affected my confidence so much and inside I’m just crumbling. I have so many questions in my head all revolving around why I wasn’t good enough to help, others were helped. I have only ever got pissed off and snapped back when things horrible have been done to me.
However, I end up being the one told I’m an awful person. I had absolutely no one and I got stick for wanting another. That isn’t fair. I may have been inappropriate but I wasn’t doing that on purpose. If truth be told, I have never had a relationship. I don’t have experience to act the right way. I wasn’t making a conscious choice to be socially unacceptable. I wasn’t grown up enough. And I really didn’t deserve how I was treated. I deserved help, not punishing. It’s affected me quite badly. I can no longer give another person a chance because I’m scared to get close to anyone else. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over how hurt I’ve been over everything.
I am capable of anything a so called ‘normal’, non retarded or remotely crazy person is capable of! All I ever needed was a leg up from those that have existed in this world before me. Instead, I get kicked to my knees and accused of all sorts of intentions which I never had. I only made mistakes because I am so inexperienced with friendships/relationships. I’m not an awful person like others have made out. Anyone who assumes that should look up PDA type Autism. It is a rare form of Autism which is extremely misunderstood. We have had to continually push official bodies to even consider this type of Autism to be incorporated into NAS policies. This has taken many years. There is still a hell of a lot of work to do in this field. I’m hoping that future generations won’t have to put up with the judgments, assumptions and accusations myself and others of my generation has had to put up with over the years.
I never chose to have my disability. I’m treated like the way it has affected me was a choice. The way I have been treated has damaged me more on top of my disability. I feel like I’ve had to go to get various qualifications myself because no one has ever bothered to help me out. All they’ve done is let me down and subsequently blamed me. I feel like I have to do everything myself because no one else will help me. That is why I’m going for exams like tomorrow. Yes it may only be GCSE level but that is where you have to start nowadays.
I am quite bugged by the things that I was seemingly not told. Those things have made me look like an awful person when a bit of communication at the right moments could have avoided it all. I know that sometimes we never find the answers to certain things in life. If others respect me as a person and at least care even a little bit then they will see I deserve to know the full facts. I don’t even mind finding out the full facts through a third party. I’ve found out everything else I didn’t know previously that way. I need to put my mind at rest. I can’t stop thinking that I’m evil because of things I did during awful periods of my life. I am aware already that I haven’t been told half the things I should have been over the years.
Furthermore, I still have to put up with local gossip about me which has stemmed from others not being honest with me. I’m not the same person I used to be, regardless of what people believe. I have grown up recently. Those that have gossiped about me have actually never even bothered to make an effort to get to know me properly. I make mistakes when I first meet people because it takes me a while to get comfortable, before that point I am feeling absolutely terrified and anxious. I don’t show it, however, this is my natural disposition. The system treating me horrendously is the reason for being that way. I can never truly relax around other people. I just cannot trust another human being. I’ve told others I trusted them before, but inside I’m not believing what I’m outwardly expressing.
On a positive note, I’ve lost another pound in weight this week. I’m now 137lbs, 9 stone 11lbs or 62 kg. I’d like to get down to the 112lbs mark. I’ve got about another 25lbs to lose. In order to lose that within a year, I would need to lose 2lbs a month minimum. It is better to slowly go down because it’s more likely to stay at that level then. Diets do not work because they are a short term fix. It is all about cutting down on certain foods and eating more of the healthy type foods. I’ve struggled with my weight in the past. I’ve been as big as nearly 15 stone (size 16-18 depending on brand of clothing). Alcohol is a major factor in weight gain because I used to go out a lot drinking socially when I was that big in my early 20s.
I no longer drink alcohol because I’ve gone off the taste of it after I had an issue with it. I don’t want to turn to alcohol again. It turned me into a person that was horrible and very angry. Some of us are just not very good drunks. They do say that those of us with any form of brain injury shouldn’t drink alcohol. I’m still not great with the sweet things like Muffins. I probably could have lost 2lb this week if I hadn’t brought them back from the supermarket. I try to just stick to yogurts for sweet snacks.
I have my first law gcse exam in 24 hours. I’m more nervous about going to the exam centre than the actual paper. I just get extremely worried about not going to the right area. I know the college because I grew up here. However, I just worry about where I have to go because it is a huge campus. I assume that I will be in the exam hall with other students taking different exams because this is the time of year they take some of them. I’ve managed to get my exam printed on yellow paper so at least I know that I will be able to read it better. I even got my exam timetable sent to me on yellow paper. I’ve revised as much as I can for unit 1. I’m going to look through old exam papers tomorrow just to familiarise myself with what is expected for certain questions.
I did fall asleep, which is what I didn’t mean to do because I was supposed to be revising. I thought my allergies had settled down a bit. Then I woke up with a streaming nose and runny eye. I have a very sore nose now. I woke up to a very annoying issue in my flat. The communal Ariel has packed up. I can’t get any channels on my television. The local council owns the area and I’m quite sure that we won’t get them fixing it over the weekend. They don’t do anything out of office hours even if it’s quite urgent. The television really isn’t necessity. I don’t watch it much. I normally leave it on as background noise.
I can’t get distracted this weekend anyway because I have to prepare for my exams. I have to make sure that I can at least get unit 1 firmly in my head for Monday. I have two days after that to make sure that I get unit 2 and I will only need to focus on a particular area (we only do 2 questions out of the 4 on either criminal, civil, family law or rights and responsibilities). I have decided I’m focusing on criminal and civil questions on unit 2 because I haven’t done a lot on the other areas. I cannot get my head around Probate and Intestacy. And, I haven’t really focused on rights and responsibilities (that is a very complex area which even many schools or colleges don’t recommend their students answer on the exam).
Ironically, the rights and responsibilities part revolves around defamation, liable and slander type issues which I would have done as part of my media law part of my journalism degree. I sold all the books to do with that course when I was quite upset. I just didn’t want any reminders in my flat. It was the only way I could try to move on. I find it hard to differentiate between defamation, liable and slander because the definitions only differ slightly. I don’t put names on here because I know enough about that area of law to know that I could be liable if I did name people or places. The only way that people would know who I was on about is if they had inside knowledge of anything which has gone on. I can only say certain things on here. I cannot go into vast amount of details when it comes to things that have happened within the system because others might be able to identify specifics by triangulation. That can happen via social media nowadays.
I see clients out and about from the support company that I used to be under. It is quite obvious that they are being failed. I honestly don’t give a sh*t if those that run the place look at this and get irritated by my comment. I am only saying what I see and if the staff there weren’t worried about potentially losing their jobs, then I’m sure they would agree with my observation. There are also a few people who would back me up with the above point. I’m not making the comment to upset anyone. I just see people being failed getting more and more frustrated. Their lives are going further down in a spiral when there is absolutely no need for that if they got the right support. I was strong enough to break free, survive and try to tackle my own issues because I had no choice. I had to go so far down to get to that point. I would have ended up dead if I hadn’t been as strong as I am. The same person that broke me, ironically also inspired me to get up and sort everything. I knew that if they could do it as a youngster, then I could too. I wouldn’t have ever grown up if I hadn’t met them. I just had to believe in myself and not believe everything I was told while I was growing up. I can’t let the fact that my brain doesn’t work properly get to me. It used to quite a lot. It doesn’t now and I am starting to feel settled for the first time in my entire life. I’m at peace with who I am. It’s taken me 30 years to get to that point.