I’m sure that everyone has heard that Professor Stephen Hawking passed away today at the age of 76. He had the condition Motor Neurone Disease for the majority of his life. Many of those with this condition pass away prematurely within a few years after diagnosis. However, somehow Prof. Stephen Hawking defied all the odds to live a long and fulfilling life. He was given two years to live while he was in university. He was just 21 when he effectively got given a life sentence to this cruel condition. He may have ended up in a wheelchair and been left having to speak via a machine but he never gave up. I’m not saying that those with the same condition gave up. There are varying degrees of the impairments which are linked to how fast it progresses etc. I know from experience how painful it can be to watch someone you love progressively get more disabled knowing that the eventual result will be that they pass away. I lost my Dad at 62 from COPD related complications. Like Stephen Hawkings he was determined not to let his disability beat him for a very long time. I don’t really talk about my Dad’s final years because the memories do hurt me. It just seemed to slot well into this post. Both of them are now free from the physical issues of their existence which must have been a constant struggle for the majority of their lives.
He was an example to us all in regards to what can be achieved if we accept our disabilities and not see them as something that limits our chances in life. It isn’t easy to do that when you discover that there are things different about you which are going to impact aspects of your life. He was told that he was going to only have two years left to live over 50 years ago. He achieved more than most of us ever will in one life time after being told that devastating news when he was still quite young. I honestly don’t know how he did it. It does make me feel extremely awful for not being able to accept my disability. I began to despise my own brain because it always seemed to let me down. There were times that I tried to be positive and then someone or something would just go kick me down again. A lot of people in my life have told me I’m intelligent but I can’t see that because my brain is lacking in areas which I really wish that it wasn’t. I know this sounds confusing, but I had a brain that I had no idea how to use until very recently.
Prof. Hawking worked out ways to get around his weaknesses caused by his disability quite quickly and never let it stop him obtaining his degrees, having relationships and children. He would have come up against a vast amount of stigma back then because disability was kept hidden and it weren’t talked about openly then. I weren’t born then but I’m just going by what I have been told by those that were. It sounds like that it was about acting tough and never letting people see weakness. I probably should have done that in my life. I failed by letting people into my life. At the end of the day, all those with disabilities that have succeeded never relied on anyone else. That is what I have noticed. Even in my own life I failed every time I relied on another person. The only way to be attractive to others and get opportunities as a disabled person is to be dependant completely on ones self and not allow yourself to become a burden. Those like Stephen Hawking carried this off so well and this enabled them to be accepted into non disabled circles both professionally and personally. I’m not saying that he never faced some form of discrimination, but in the end he had a ‘normal’ life which a lot of people with disabilities are denied due to discrimination etc.
Please can I ask new readers of the blog to read previous entries for the time being as I will not be around much. I looked over various things today and realised that I have exactly 8 weeks (2 months today) until my GCSE law exams. I am in no means prepared. I need to seriously start getting organised now. I don’t know enough to pass yet and need to study the question papers from now until my exams in 8 weeks.
It kind of spaces things out nicely for me because then I have another 8 weeks after my law exams to focus on parts of the level 2 maths I need to brush up on so that I can pass that. I am planning to go to the pre level 2 maths class as well as the level 2 class after May (providing it is still on). I can’t go to that yet because my therapy groups are still on until at least April. I was organising my diary earlier. I do not normally work so organised and efficiently. This is definitely not going to last long.
I have been the Gym today. I was going to go yesterday because I was exhausted last night. I got up later this morning and felt better. I was extremely tearful last night because of being that tired. I wish that I could feel happier but I’m still not over everything that has happened yet. Again, I would just like to point out that this blog was never made to get at any one else. I do not care what others may think. They don’t know me or my real intentions. I just want to push for changes in the system by sharing my own experiences. I have absolutely no negative feelings towards anyone else. I am still not over certain things that have occurred because they hurt me. There were things that were said by others which personally hurt me because of my life circumstances. I will leave it there for now. I will be back in a few months.
I feel exhausted and everything aches. I can barely pick myself up out of bed, which means the Gym is out of the question tonight. I’m always tired and it’s getting annoying because I am barely able to do anything at times. I just have to go bed to sleep. I’m not depressed but worn out. This is the worse this exhausted feeling has ever been. I don’t normally ache and feel heavy. I can’t eat either because my stomach is sore. I can’t do this anymore. I need it sorting because I have too much to do in my life. I depend on myself. I don’ have anyone to help me do things if I’m too tired to do what needs doing.
I have been on a walk already today but I will be going the Gym later so I only walked for about an hour. The weather is awful anyway. I also got followed by a random guy on the far side of town. He asked me if I knee anyone that sold weed. I did attempt to avoid him because he was loud and scary. But I had a brilliant answer for him. I said that I didn’t but I’m sure sure if he asked around enough in that area he was sure to find someone that knew a weed dealer.
And no I do not smoke that. I’ve read that it can help forms of Autism and down South I did try it once. I know enough people that do smoke it. Therefore, it would be easy for me to try some of theirs but I see it as a gateway drug to other things a lot more dangerous. Drugs do prematurely age a person. I’ve seen it happen to others and I’m not keen on those side effects. I love the chilled out feeling that a joint gave me when I did try it back in college (it was part of being ‘in’ with the ‘alternative’ students). Most of those that have been into hard drugs like cocaine see weed (or cannabis whatever you wish to call it) not as a drug. The effects of that drug is barely noticeable to those that have had addictions to harder drugs. I also am quite bugged by the fact that I know the person that stole money off of me is alcoholic dependent and will have gone and blown money that I couldn’t afford to spare on booze. I can’t say other aspects of their circumstances on a public blog. However, there are other reasons why I don’t trust them. It isn’t the best area to live in as a ‘vulnerable adult’ because there is so much trouble and this area is certainly not peaceful whatsoever. It is something that I’ve got use to however and I keep everyone out of my flat. I know a lot of people but I refuse to be dragged into things by association. I keep my life completely separate to whatever others are doing around here. I can assure anyone that makes an assumption that I am not in any way linked to anything dodgy around here. I’m intelligent enough to keep myself out of it nowadays. I never used to be, but my experiences have made me a lot more reserved when it comes to letting others in my space.
I’ve picked up my evidence for PIP appeal from my GP surgery today on my walk. I’m hoping that I’m going to be successful in my appeal but I am very sceptical that this will actually happen. If I had a choice I’d go out and get a job but with my record I haven’t got a hope in hells chance of securing employment. I am going to ask to be referred to the programme that gives offenders work experience which sometimes leads to full employment depending on their performance etc.
I’m still not well because my stomach is not quite right yet. It is sore on and off and really bloated. I’m hoping that I’m well enough to go the Gym because I’ve not been in a week. I’m trying to go twice a week but I’ve been extremely busy. Last week went passed quite fast. It is the beginning of this week and I’m already extremely tired. I didn’t sleep until late last night because I was revising for my exams. I try to do some every few days but I learn more at night. I’m just a night person but there is no way I can burn the candles at both ends much anymore. I used to be able to stay awake 24/7 for a few days, but now I’m aging and need more sleep due to all the sleep I’ve not had during my life. I feel like I’ve banged or strained my arm but I can’t remember doing it. I’m clumsy in general so I’m never sure where I get random bruises from. I’m the type of person that can literally fall over my own feet. I should really not carry heavy shopping bags with me either because I had back ache after that. That may be how I have strained my arm too. It all helps in the quest to ‘slim’ though. I don’t want to be heavier, it’s not me. I have to go because I have things to do.
I lost my son to adoption approximately four years ago now. I thought that it would help others that have also lost their children to adoption if I wrote an entry on this topic today. I’m not very well as I still have a bad stomach which means I’m probably not going to type a very long entry tonight. I’m hoping that it goes away soon as I’ve had it since Friday.
Those of you that have known me or have met me throughout the last few years will have seen how affected I was at times. This is the first time since my son was adopted that I’ve not felt affected negatively by days such as Mother’s Day. I’ll never be fully over losing my son to adoption. However, I’ve learned to numb myself. I still feel many things but I’m no longer climbing the walls and as distressed as I used to be for at least two to three years afterward. I’ve gone from over feeling things to just numbing myself enough to get through life without getting myself into trouble. I’m not even depressed. It’s more numbness and tired from all that has happened in my life. I no longer ‘feel’ anymore. That is the only way that I can possibly carry on in my every day life.
I can’t really say that I am not affected by things I see around me when it comes to others having babies etc. I still do get tearful because I wish that I could have had a chance. I don’t see another point in my life where I’ll ever have another baby. Even a relationship seems something that I’ll never ever have in my life. I just have no desire for a relationship so this doesn’t bother me as much. I think as a female it seems like a natural thing to be a Mother etc. That is what I wanted when I decided to have my son. I wasn’t really a Mother type. I mainly had a child because I wanted to fill the void that I have always had because my Mother wasn’t at all warm toward me. I thought that by having my own child I’d fix that void, but it doesn’t work that way. I do miss my son very much and I wish I could see him again. That may never happen though because I wrote to the adoptive parents via letterbox and have never had any reply. I know that it was passed on because I had a conversation with the letterbox coordinator. There was no contact order approved at the adoption hearing. Therefore this means that it is quite unlikely that my son will ever be a part of my life at any point.
I also think that it is the time I really open up to the reasoning behind my behaviour ‘problems’. Well, what people have labelled ‘problems’. I am not happy about the fact that I was labelled a ‘criminal’, instead of getting the understanding which I needed. I know that it is hard for others to understand that came from very close knitted families where their Mothers were loving and warm. They have no idea what it is like to have a Mother that was always cold. I constantly used to look for the Mother I never had. I am not an awful person. I am aware that I have came across awful at times. I never did those things on purpose and I’d like everyone to see me for the decent person I actually am. I was a lost, lonely and extremely affected by my past. I couldn’t help being like that. I’m never going to get over my past completely. I just realised that other people are never going to help me. If I rely on anyone else then I’ll just be punished again and again. Others will just walk away from me and report me for being ‘different’. That is my reality and it has been for years. I will now never trust other people again. I have to live with the fact that I’ll never have the Mother that I searched for in others for many years.
I’m extremely tired so this entry may not make any sense. I’m off to bed soon because I’m falling asleep. I just wanted to say this because I’m really questioning while I’m bothering anymore. I don’t feel appreciated or like anyone really cares how hard I actually work.
I wish that I had a Mother like many others do. There is absolutely no pleasing mine. I went to visit her this evening. I asked her what she thought of my hair and she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t like it. I asked her why and she goes ‘because it’s dry’. It’s not dry. That is the texture of my hair. That is why I have to put coconut into it as a daily conditioner. I don’t think I can ever be good enough. I always get insulted every time I visit her. The way she speaks to me always makes me feel like I’m a let down. Is it any wonder I tried to get someone else to ‘adopt me by force’ throughout my life just to feel like I’m not a let down and unlovable.
I regularly feel like throwing in the towel on a daily basis because my disability makes things difficult. I have put myself out there and been made a fool of several times in my life. This has all been to be loved like I see others receive from their Mothers. I have to put up with others calling me weird and seeing me as a danger because I long for the things I did not get growing up. I just don’t see why I’ve even bothered for many years. It seems like I’ve made an effort only to get absolutely nothing and abused. And, lets be honest, if my own Mother couldn’t love me… no one else ever could be even fond of me.
I managed a full nights sleep last night. However, I only went bed at 11pm because I was literally falling asleep on the sofa. That is really early for me. I never sleep before midnight normally. I just ended up that worn out because last week was quite long. I got up today still feeling slightly tired. Let’s face it, for a very long time I’ve always not slept at night properly. I will never catch up with the amount of sleep that I’ve lost.
I am aware that many people normally rest at the weekend. I used to like to do that. However, that isn’t me anymore. I got up to go to get my weekly food items (groceries) on foot. Baring in mind I walked to the store that is 2.6 miles from my flat and in total that is a 5.2 mile walk round trip. It is just like carrying weights with you if you’ve got shopping bags in your hands. I must have walked about 6 miles the other day, so this is nothing. I have tried to convert these things but all I can honestly say is that it feels longer than the actual miles. I honestly should be a size 6 by now with how much effort I’ve been putting in to lose weight. I am mostly snacking on yogurts when I feel hungry. I am eating proper meals as well but I used to eat snacks loaded in sugar. The worse thing I used to buy was a pack of four muffins and eat two at a time. I started doing that every few days when I passed the supermarket. It’s an awful habit to get into. I still drink fizzy drinks but they keep me awake when I’m tired due to the caffeine in them. I’m hoping to cut down gradually and then drink more water. I don’t like water whatsoever but I find that it does make me feel better and helps get rid of migraines. I drank a lot when I had my migraine the other day. I woke up migraine free.
I have no more time to rest now. The housework isn’t going to do itself. I cannot afford a cleaner. I also have to arrange my gcse law paperwork into some kind of order too. I haven’t done that for a few days and now everything is scattered all over my settee. I’m never going to be able to revise properly without sorting it because it’s not together properly and the topics have got mixed together. It has definitely been one of those weeks. I turned up to college yesterday without half of the things I should have and it’s not like I could go back when I realised because going home would have meant that I was extremely late for my lesson. I did apologise and felt quite awful for it because one of the things the tutor is supposed to keep there. I took that home by accident the other week and I don’t want to get someone else into trouble. I already have a lot of ground to make up in regards to other people after everything that has gone on over the years. I haven’t been at this place very long and I don’t want to mess up again. I have already realised that there are some people that are part of that organisation I should keep a distance from. It’s nothing personal, mostly down to the situation that has occurred and links that these people may have to others. I just want peace. It has been peaceful for the last six months and I’m hoping that it can stay like that long term. Of course, I am hoping that everything is sorted one day, but right now it isn’t the right time.