I need to be left in peace.

I’m not going to say why I’m posting this because I don’t want to go into specifics. However, I’m getting really fed up now. I wish to be left alone. I need my space because I feel bullied and picked on. I made honest mistakes and I can’t take them back. Others don’t understand my disability issues. Those people I do not want in my life in any shape or form. I don’t go out so I do not have anything to do with those that have laid into me this week. I feel so guilty for things that have happened to the point where it’s made my illnesses worse. There’s a lot of things that went on from my end which outsiders do not know. Therefore, seeing as others do not know the full facts of things that have happened in my life, I’d appreciate it if they just kept their opinions to themselves and kept away from me.

And, above all else, do not telltale things to the local authorities to try to get my blog shut down etc. I never name anyone so others can’t be identified by the information on the blog. The majority of readers would not know who I was talking about. I would never name anyone on here. I do not post stuff to annoy anyone else. I post things to educate and inform readers about what it’s like to live as a painfully shy introvert who happens also to have a disability which doesn’t help those aspects of my personality.

Lastly, those of you that see me as an awful person and discounts the aspects of my disability due to the fact that I’m not a typical Asperger and I have borderline learning disability mixed in with it, can go away because I want absolutely nothing to do with those people. I can’t stop others talking about me between themselves but if I don’t know about it then I cannot be hurt by it. I’ve only ever broken and said something terrible when others have outrightly discriminated against me. I was punished for not being able to take any more and retaliating. Yes, I had my OCD emailing issue before that, but I was never nasty until I was attacked from all sides because no one understood my behaviours.

And, if you really want something to gossip about, I just want to put it out there that losing the last person hurt me a lot. That is because they were the first person in my entire life that I actually properly fell for. I have never cared about another in that way until I met them. I obviously cared about my son but not in that way. And, as I’ve previously explained, I do not love like other people. It’s nothing about the sexual side to me. I certainly didn’t fall for them because of the physical attraction. It was more about their mind and personality. I’m not discussing how I felt with friends of theirs because I don’t talk about how I feel to others, especially where it comes to how I feel about someone else. I lost the first person I actually fell in love with. It wasn’t like my past. It was mature love, not stupid kiddy trying to find the Mother I never had type thing. I am well aware of the fact that first loves and crushes never work out, they are doomed to failure because lack of experience makes us mess it all up. So, I would appreciate it if people stop talking about things that they do not have any understanding of because it hurts me ok. I have to live with losing a person I cared deeply about due to being pushed so far I said those awful things. That is going to be a lifetime of pain and I’ve already decided that I’m going to stay single because no one else would compare.

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Resting today, and that is my plan for the rest of this week :) / I need to explain something.

I am officially starting my Christmas break now. I have my flat being repaired Friday, so the next few days are going to be spent having time to myself. I’m going to have a nap soon after doing some Maths college work. I actually slept quite well last night but woke up early because I didn’t know when my parcel was going to come. I had to replace the vacuum cleaner because mine decided to die on me last weekend. It’s not something you can do without when you’ve got pets (hair), so I didn’t want to miss it. I felt awake when I first woke up but I went for a walk earlier and I could feel my eyes blurring.

I needed to make sure that the BT Openreach engineer actually goes to my Mum’s (unlike the other day when it was a no-show). I had the intention to go over to hers and make sure everything goes to plan because I have absolutely had enough of the phone line fault. The company has been aware that there is a fault that causes the line to crackle and stops working for over a year. They’ve sent engineers out but not corrected the problem. It was urgent last week because it actually went down completely. I wouldn’t have had that accident if I hadn’t been out. And to be quite honest I wasn’t feeling well myself but I had to sort things out. I’m the only one out of me and my half sisters that lives close enough to go around and do things for Mum. Last week was an absolute nightmare. I just hope it gets fixed and would be over there if I felt able to drive today. I don’t want to take any risks after the last week. I’m going to have to accept that my health may get too bad to drive and this is something I do not want to do. I plan to keep driving my car for as long as I am able to. 

I haven’t been honest with myself, let alone anyone else, mainly out of stubbornness and, in some respects, fear. I wasn’t maliciously dishonest. I can’t lie without giving things away. But, I live an independent life, even when I was in care and had support coming in. I simply do not feel like I am able to trust another person to do things for me. I have always been quite naive and don’t really understand the complex workings of society or social things. I haven’t done anything intentionally. I didn’t even realise that I was a mess when I did everything. I do feel truly terrible for things that have happened. I didn’t know that I had anything wrong with me then. Even when I saw signs of things not quite being right, I blatantly ignored them because I never wanted to face the reality that my mind was literally falling apart. The mental effects of my illness were just the beginning of what was to come.  I’m now feeling some of those things that were to come afterward. I’m now weak and I hate feeling like that. I keep forgetting things. I never used to forget anything. I even have started forgetting names and that is something I was really good at previously. I hate feeling frail and weak. That isn’t who I am. I’m just like my Nana on Dad’s side, short and determined and never wanted to be seen as vulnerable. The scariest thing is that I am started to feel like an old lady and I’m only 30. I can’t walk for long like I used to and not so often. I just don’t have the energy to go the Gym. I know my weight is going increase because I can’t do what I used to be able to do. I’m already finding my jeans hard to button up. I didn’t set out to not be honest with others about what was happening, and I know now that it probably would have been better to just be honest, rather than denying it to myself and reacting the way I did out of fear. I didn’t go out to deceive, I was scared. I don’t blame those that hate me for things that have happened, I hate myself too. And I won’t ever forgive myself, so I don’t expect anyone else to do that. I’m not using the line it’s part of my illness as an excuse because I noticed the signs and ignored them because I was too cowardly to face things. 

I just say what I see.

I don’t set out to upset people. I purely just say what I see. The system around here does not work. And the things that I’ve managed to uncover are not right. I am prepared to let the university thing go and put it down to the fact that I shouldn’t have been trusting of someone I’d only just met. I shouldn’t have told them too much about myself and tried to rush things. That is a major step for me because I wasn’t able to let it go until I had a conversation with a friend of theirs the other night. Then I find that the same friend has left a review before speaking to me disclosing all my criminal history. I’ve never denied my history. Just like I have never denied my faults that annoy other people. And, I have a right to feel that I have been let down. I don’t expect others to understand every aspect of my disability. I just don’t want to be labeled a criminal for it, because, to me, a criminal is someone who chooses to hit another or is reckless in their behaviour by choice.

I explained that when I am anxious I get panicky and some things that I say come out extremely wrong. It doesn’t matter how much society punishes me for those effects, there is never going to be a way to get rid of them. Anxiety is going to get worse by putting me through systems that cause me stress beyond the point that is manageable for me. The system is no one’s fault that works for it. The way things have to be done are getting increasingly stupid due to political correctness. Logic has completely gone out the window. I read online earlier about a school saying that two children were being sexually inappropriate by giving each other piggybacks. This is something that we always used to do as children at school. They’ve also banned the game Bulldog in schools because it involves contact. Anything that potentially infringes a law is now banned in schools and other organisations. Therefore, it makes it impossible for people like me to fit into society. All the things we grew up being able to do is now banned. And I’m aware of the generational thing where the older generation say to us that we have an attitude problem. They grew up in much better decades than us. The last reasonable decade was the 90s and as soon as we hit 00s things went bad. The new kind of system had really set in by then and it’s only got worse.

I set up A.S.S.G.O back in 2004 to try to promote a system change. This hasn’t happened and if anything it has got worse. I really want us all to work together in order to achieve this outcome. That has always been what I wanted. And, as the title suggests, I only say what I see. I already have established that I cannot say what I hear because how do I know if it’s true? I am probably naive to think the system can be changed, but at least I’m willing to try to push for change. I know that I’ve made enemies by expressing how I see things, but that the risk that you take when you’re a woman with an opinion on the internet. It doesn’t happen to the males so much. I don’t want to hurt anyone with those observations and suggestions, however, I made a commitment at 17 to get the system changed because I could see the way it was going. Look at the earlier examples of this in this entry. These are the perfect examples of how our systems are changing for the worse. I don’t want to see that kind of stuff get more progressive. I’m not a bad influence. I’m not an evil person in any way. I did things with the utmost good intent.

It’s only lack of experience and immaturity that made me make a right hash of things. I grew up admiring activists and they don’t always do things that are within the law but it is always for the right reasons. That is where I first saw the likes of Jeremy Corbyn etc. I didn’t understand the world around me because I’m not streetwise and I avoid going out there unless I absolutely have to. I don’t want to go out and I’ve never liked going out much anyway.

Quite frankly, I don’t like the world that we live in. I think it is horrible. I just hate it. I’m not one of those animal rights people but I can’t even walk past the butchers or anywhere selling meat because I just can’t stand it. I can’t help but feel terrible when I see the suffering of any animals or humans. That is why I beat myself up with guilt because I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I was trying to get a friend. I didn’t know things and I assumed that others had gone out to hurt me. I always believed that others could have helped me more if they’d wanted to and if they really cared about me as a person.

I can’t help holding on to that for a long time. I only started to let go of it a bit after one of the other person’s mates spoke to me the other night. I realised that we were just going to end up coming to an impasse because we are both stubbornly holding our positions refusing to budge on our views. That is one thing that we do have in common and I have to back down because I’m the one that everyone is against. I’m outnumbered and seen as the one in the wrong. I will remain hurt over it but I can’t openly show it because time won’t heal anything if I do. I will always care. I could never hate another person, only that I’m hurt by them. It has affected me really badly and that is why I took a photo last night. I’m not making an issue out of it for any reason but for the fact that it’s affecting me badly. I can’t get others to see the effects they’ve had on me unless I actually show them photographic proof. A picture is better than any words I can possibly use. I am exhausted and still quite traumatised by my experiences and you could see it on my face last night.

I’m not denying that others have suffered too. I’m just pointing out that you may see me as the bad one, however, I’ve suffered too. I’ve agreed to draw a line under it but it’s still going to leave me with the mental and physical effects for a long time too. I can’t just get rid of those effects on demand. It’s part of being human. It doesn’t make me ill for feeling emotions. We don’t have the choice whether we fall for another or any control over the circumstances that this may happen. I can, by all means, deny that I ever cared or had any feelings whatsoever. And, love to me isn’t the way it is in others eyes. Love, to me, isn’t anything sexual. I do not see anyone in that way. Love, to me, is the one thing that I have always missed in my life. It’s more like friendship love, being able to say that someone is there for you in a genuine capacity who will just be there for me with no strings attached or conditions.

If not being able to turn my feelings off makes me a bad person, then I am a bad person. I know that I had true feelings for the person because even the bad parts of them that were off-putting, I actually found them attractive. As someone said to me the other day, I never really knew the other person truly as a person but if you have feelings for someone you’re not going to focus on those parts of them. Those that are married know that their other halves can be not the nicest sometimes and have their own little ways that drive the others nuts, but they accept them because they care about the other person. I felt the part that scared me about the other person, but despite that, I could see the good there. I still believe that they are a good person even after everything. I see it as my fault for not being good enough for them. I’m also very aware of the part that I felt which scared me too. I feel things from others. I don’t choose to be able to feel those things. I can’t see any private details from others. That isn’t how it works. I just sense things from people and never with details enough to invade anyone’s privacy. I’d never use anything I have the ability to do to invade the privacy of others.

When your disability leads you open to bullying and ridicule.

I would just like to say a few things before I start my day and end up too tired to do anything. I didn’t chose to have my disability. It is not a choice. Neither is it a flaw of my character because that would be a choice. I don’t know what others said about various events but I have not lied on the things that I was actually kept informed about. I wasn’t kept informed about much and there were things going on in the background with my support service that certainly wasn’t helping me find out information. After I ceased working with them because it got to the point where I ended up telling them to leave, I was threatened that if I repeated what had happened behind the scenes out there I’d get punished. They kept everything from me. There was a lot of in-house disputes between the staff and manager. I’m not here to make a judgement over that. Things weren’t passed onto me. It was the same at every point of my life when I looked awful.

I can’t act the way I’m supposed to if I am not aware of full facts. Unlike someone without learning disabilities and Asperger’s, I do not in fact naturally know what is expected of me.

I’m sick of having a disability where people bully and ridicule me for not knowing things socially. That bullying and ridicule has caused me other problems and now I have a fear of people which doesn’t help with acting appropriately. I may never be able to ever have a relationship because of the intense fear my experiences have left behind. Especially, this last one. I’m older now so it’s left emotional scars.

I have tried to explain my disability for others to be able to understand and cease looking at me as evil. Others refuse to understand. I’ve done all that I can to try to get others to see that I have no malice in me whatsoever so I do not deserve to be bullied. All I ask for is understanding and to not be subjected to things that I do not deserve. I used to want a friend so much but now I don’t want to even go out socially because of everything that has happened. I associate being involved with anybody as putting myself in the position to be hurt and end up thrown in a police cell and court. Therefore that is why I said above that it’s highly unlikely I will ever settle down in a relationship after these experiences. If all of you that have bullied and ridiculed me for who I am really knew the details of my life behind closed doors and the inner me you’d see that I am not as I’ve been portrayed. I don’t have an evil part of me. These comments hurt me because I know that I’m not anything like I’ve been labelled. Last night is just a glimpse of how things have affected me. I’m unable to move on like his because I’m too exhausted to get college work done etc. Unlike the rest that have been demonised around here, I will not allow others to practically ‘social leper’ me.

I have always held my hands up to my faults never once denied anything. I am an authentic and genuine person. I am Shy in real life so you cannot see the real me underneath. That is partly down to how people have treated me. 

Exhausted :(

I’ve got to the point where I feel so exhausted I can’t do anything. Those that have been judging me this week can think what they like because I really do not have the energy to kick back at anyone’s opinions. I feel too tired to waste my remaining energy trying to convince people that have actually never met me that I’m a decent person. I have no energy to even cook myself a meal. I’ve even something but it wasn’t that much because I wore myself out making a sandwich. Whether anyone believes me or not, I’m more than sorry for everything that happened. I held onto the hurt and I’m sorry. I’m off to sleep and hope I wake up with more energy tomorrow. I’ve got no choice but to go out tomorrow. 

tired

Things have severely affected me too.

I really need to make it entirely clear that things have affected me severely too. I’m starting to get more and more affected by things recently. The past week has been like something has whacked everything that’s happened to me in my life into me at full force. I don’t know why, but others need to understand that when I get distressed or anxious I will be constantly on the defensive. I get scared and say awful things if I feel threatened. It doesn’t take a lot for me to feel threatened when I’m affected by things.

I’m actually getting afraid of other people because of how they’ve treated me. I’m not a bad person. I didn’t deserve a lot of it. And, it’s hard for others to understand that when I’m hurt and anxious I do say things that sound nasty out of sheer fear. I’m so on edge right now it’s distracting. I don’t want everything to be as it is indefinitely. That stresses me out every time I think about it and that adds to my anxiety and intense fear.

I’m literally starting to get petrified of other people to the point where I don’t want to go out the house. Other people judging me is the major thing I’m afraid of because I don’t want to be seen negatively. But, I know that when I’m anxious, absolutely nothing comes out of my mouth or gets typed the way it is supposed to be. If my head is in fear mode then everything comes out with a touch of anger or bitterness in it because my fear of people wants distance.  I don’t have a choice in that matter. Unless others experience these affects then they have absolutely no idea what it’s like. All those that don’t will think it’s an excuse. 

I wanted a friend, I’m not a monster.

I am starting to feel bullied locally and I’m actually keeping myself to myself. I got told by a friend last night what others are saying about me behind my back. I am trying to move on with my life even though the times when people have hurt me still affect me.

I want to make one thing clear. I could have pleaded not guilty every single time that I got accused of intent I did not have. But that would have required a trial which would have been too stressful for me. Instead, the only option I had was to plead guilty and none of the so called facts get disputed. I am not a monster. I just wanted a friend but I was shy and naive. I’m actually very simple because of my learning disabilities. I was never open about that side of me because it would make it harder to get a career. You’re perceptions are wrong about me. I admit that I had a bit of a streak in me when I was younger which was naughty but I was a teenager. I never planned anything that happened. This gossip about my past is damaging to me. I just want to be able to distance myself from my messes and gain forgiveness. I was very young then and I’m still young now. I am inexperienced because quite frankly I’ve never had the confidence to actually enter into a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. I have the mentality of a child socially in that department. No malice whatsoever. I was never taught how to be, just punished for not knowing. No one has ever bothered to get to know me well enough to actually see that it’s my lack of social skills rather than malice that manifested my behaviour problems.

And as for others saying I don’t fit into the Asperger’s criteria because mine doesn’t manifest in the ways that other people’s does. In my case, my obsession was wanting a friend because I grew up feeling so lonely and unloved. Many of those that look at me as an awful have come from close knit loving families. That isn’t the type of family I was born into. I cling onto others out there at school etc because I had a cold unloving home life where I had to act as carer for my Dad when Mum was at work. I live on my own now so technically it’s still like going back to a cold unloving home. I have the cats now but they’re not human.

There’s no one out there that knows my background properly. I have never spoken about it because I kept that private. But, when others start referring to me as a monster etc, I have to put things straight. I am not a monster. I’m a person in private that no one out there would understand. That doesn’t mean that I’m weird. Everyone is different and no one has the right to judge me. I talk about a lot of things but there’s huge chunks of me I do not show to anybody. I don’t trust anyone so I keep most of who I am away from public blogs. I may seem very open, but I am not. That isn’t for any sinister reasons. I’m just not comfortable. That maybe the reason why I’ve never dated anyone properly long term because I’m actually quite self conscious about letting people past my inner self. It’s most likely about being rejected emotionally by my mother.

My behaviour problems may have also have been subconsciously about keeping people away from the inner me. I literally feel intense fear and anxiety when others have tried to get to know me. I feel fear when people ask me questions about myself. I feel really uncomfortable. There’s a part of me that wants to let others in, but it doesn’t win over the other much stronger part. I don’t want to be alone my entire life but that side of me is too strong to fight.

The Gym and trying to keep my weight down is due to being bullied at school for how I looked. I was also a chubby child because of my epilepsy medication. I hated it. I don’t really like make up but I wear a little bit when I’m going somewhere. I do have foundation and powder but I don’t like wearing it because I hate having my face covered. It feels really clingy and like I have things stuck to my face. I actually get headaches if I wear too much make up. I don’t know if that is a sensory aspect of my Asperger’s. I can hear more than the average person. I can hear the electric cables power sound when it’s quiet at night. To my ears there’s nothing that stays background noise. I can hear it all at the same intensity. That is why I have my headphones with music on when I go out. I can still hear the traffic noises etc over it unless I have it loud (which I obviously can’t because it would hurt my ears). I only have one working eye. The working one isn’t brilliant because I have to have glasses for reading. I can see distance fine. The lazy eye is still able to see but slightly unfocused. That runs in my family on my dad’s side so I inherited that. I am very particular with what I eat. I like the foods that I like and am reluctant to try new things. It makes it easier if invited out for a meal because I will always have the exact same thing.  I do have daily habits like going the shop after I wake up for a Pepsi max either on the way to where I’m going or just to the shop and back on days I’m not going anywhere.  

I’m fed up of people assuming that I don’t have my diagnosis. As I said before, I don’t talk about a lot of my daily life. And when I have gone into personal territory it’s purely been because things were really making my life difficult and I went my gp but they weren’t that helpful. Luckily, those personal things sorted themselves out but I only talk about things when I absolutely need to. If I’m talking about things then it’s because they’ve built up to such a level I cannot hold them in any longer. They say that you have to tell someone if you’re struggling but I always get punished for it.

I have to go because I’m still feeling exhausted and just want to rest. I just wanted to explain that there is more to me than the things being spread. And that doesn’t make me a monster.