I’ve not been well all week. I’ve had to spend half of the week in bed. I just can’t deal with the things that I’m being forced to face. I’m not making anything up to get out of trouble. I’m being honest. It’s making me extremely ill. I can barely eat and I feel absolutely terrible. I take painkillers etc and nothing works. This is harming me very badly. I try to put a brave face on when I have to go out. I am always feeling it when I’m at home though. I’m constantly on edge. I cannot relax whatsoever. This doesn’t have to be the way that it is anymore. I genuinely made the mistakes because I did not understand until someone told me. I don’t deserve the punishments anymore. I wish that others would just see sense and be able to see that I was naive. I completely misjudged the whole situation and let my anger control my actions. I couldn’t help being angry after everything that happened. It’s not good for any of us involved to keep this going any longer. I never meant to hurt the other person. I was stupid and inexperienced in relationships. This process is hurting me and I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to do that. The things that happened wasn’t entirely my fault, so why should I take all the responsibility for it? I know that the system always has to blame someone. But, now the truth has surfaced and we know what happened from either side of the situation, I don’t see why things have to continue in a legal capacity. I get it. I’m gone. I’ll never darken their door again by my presence. I just wish for fairness now. I’ve suffered enough in this situation. They may not think that I have, but they don’t know what went on in my life over the last 2 years. We were practically played off against each other and there was a lot of lies told to me by my support service. I don’t need this because it’s making me so ill. I can’t do this illness anymore.
I had to get up so early this morning. I was actually doing my Maths booklet at half 7 this morning before I had to go out. I had to go for a blood test at half 8. I’m getting quite drained by my health problems. They’re all kicking off because of the stress I’m under. I have a nagging headache that just will not go away. I’ve had it for two days now and it’s starting to get rather annoying. Painkillers won’t touch it. I think I may have hay fever or a cold because I keep having to blow my nose all the time. There are fields around the village where I live, but it’s normally when that oil seed rape crop that gives me hay fever. I thought I had a cold a fortnight ago but it went away after a day. The headache clears when I first blow my nose. I wish it would go permanently. I’m watching the wright stuff (again, it’s a daily routine for me when I’m up early enough). I saw the part regarding volunteers at the National Trust refusing to wear the Rainbow Gay Equality badge. Those that weren’t prepared to wear it subsequently got told they couldn’t work on the front line anymore. I fully respect their decision not to wear the badge and I’m not sure that they should be told that they can’t work on the front line services. The badge doesn’t always have to represent the Gay community. In this case it has been adopted by the Gay community. However, a Rainbow symbolizes hope, which can apply to us all as a society. It can represent hope for every single disadvantaged group. It is very important that all disadvantaged groups join together because there is strength in numbers. The support systems in the UK are broken, so the only hope we have is to help each other. I know in theory it isn’t that simple. But, it could be if people weren’t liable to be punished for speaking out against inefficient systems. I do not care what other people thinks of me being honest about my experiences of the system. I would have to be seriously careful if I had a job though because an employer can dismiss someone for saying something controversial against the system. I made sure that I said something when I did find things out. It does look like I’ll get punished for that. But, I believe in honesty and transparency. Both of those aspects weren’t even a factor when the services were ‘dealing’ with my case. I put the word dealing in quotation marks because they didn’t deal with the issues. Instead, they made the situation into what it turned into and how it remains in the present day. They’re not going to hold their hands up and admit to the mistakes that they have made. Instead, they’re going to lay it all on my head and I could actually go to prison because they didn’t do their job properly. I wasn’t supported by my support service. I was lied to and not told the full facts so that I could understand things which don’t come naturally to me because of my disability.
This leads me on to the other things that were covered in the programme today. The lead family court judge has spoken out about how awful our mental health support is in this country. He literally had no idea what to do with a suicidal girl in his court room who was about to be let out into the community. She was in no fit state to be going home because she was trying to commit suicide at every opportunity, even in a room with no furniture whatsoever. They also mentioned the cottage hospital system that used to be in place years ago. I hear that there used to be one locally. The older generation remember the time when this area did have a place that would take in those that needed help but wasn’t eligible for a secure psychiatric unit. There was barely any giving of criminal records to those with mental illness because the situation didn’t get that far because help was given before it reached a crisis point. It should go back to that sort of system because it would be a lot less stressful for those of us with problems. We wouldn’t have to lose everything and everyone we value because things wouldn’t be allowed to go so far if the help was put in earlier. There would be more stability in our lives. Stability is what I’ve wanted most in my adult life. The way things are done has meant that I have never been able to obtain that much needed factor. That helps control my ocd/asperger traits. Instability and stress triggers those traits and that is all that our system gives to us.
I had a lay in today because I was extremely tired. I didn’t really sleep properly last night. I was nearly asleep when my Cat (Mister) wanted to come in the window. I laid in bed until lunch time. I just couldn’t wake up this morning because I had no energy. I went for a long walk when I did finally get up. I went for a 2 and a half hour walk. I needed a nap when I got back. I barely ate today. I only ate a chocolate bar today. I had a main meal but not until later when I woke up. I’m not that hungry right now. I don’t eat a lot when I’m busy throughout the day.
I’m watching the programme Kicked Out: From Care to Chaos (it will be on BBC IPlayer if anyone wants to watch it on catch up). It brings out a lot of inner feelings in me. I know what it is like to be a child and an adult in the ‘care’ system (I stayed in it longer because of being a vulnerable adult). The feeling of not having a proper family and getting into trouble as a result. These kids are quite challenging and relentless. I have been like that at my very worse. They are right when they say that it takes once person to be patient with them to help them fight their demons and actually change. It does hurt being passed from pillow to post. This kind of life doesn’t help you settle or lose all the negative traits that you have acquired due to your experiences. I don’t believe that I’d ever have been given a criminal record if it wasn’t for the systems affects on me. I always wanted a proper mother figure because I never had that at home. I ended up getting into trouble as a teenager and subsequently got sent away from home. I barely saw my own family after that for many years. I returned to where I grew up and felt like a stranger to the family that I had came from because a decade had passed.
I’ve not long got home. It is now stupid ‘o’ clock but I needed a bath because I get really sore skin when I’m stressed. It feels much more comfortable now. The skin on my face was literally red raw. I’m quite worn out after today. I’ve decided that I’m going to think positively regardless of what may or may not happen. It will be hard but none of us can move on from what has happened until efforts are made. If I do think positively and get on with things. Then, this time next year it won’t feel so hurtful. I’ve got a lot of work to do in regards to study. I’m making progress in that avenue because I’m understanding Maths for the first time in my life. That was a pitiful subject for me at school. I keep getting told that I should write a book by others. I just don’t have the time right now balancing two subjects and trying to sort myself out. I’m also not good enough at writing yet. There is a certain amount of patience and concentration needed to focus on writing a book. Right now, that is something I do not have. I have my thoughts going all over the place. I actually painted my toes as well as my finger nails the other day. This was due to the fact that I have such a restless brain right now.
I never really sit still and I haven’t eaten a lot in over 4 days. I know it’s not the best way to lose weight, but that’s a positive in this situation. I’ve actually lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I’m glad because my weight kept going up and up. That is why I joined the Gym. I have been lazy though because I haven’t gone in a week. I wasn’t well and then I just convinced myself that half an hour last week was all I can manage. I can run for two minutes on the treadmill now at jogging speed. I didn’t used to have the coordination for that. I ran on the spot at home when I wanted to lose weight and wasn’t going the gym. Then I just did exactly the same on the treadmill. It’s about building up in stages. I don’t think that I enjoy the Gym because I put myself off too quickly by trying to do ‘too much’ at once. I’m fine when I’m in the mood for exercise. But, when I’m not, it’s like the hardest chore in the world.
The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing that I will get the slim body that I am aiming for eventually. I’m only 5 ft 2. If I put too much weight on I literally look like a dumpling. I remember when I was 14 1/2 stone. I wore size 16 clothes and I felt huge. I’ve always been curvy. However, apparently (according to a male friend) I do not have a bum. I have hips and a stomach though. I think they call it pear shaped. I know that most females aspire to have one of those bums that stand out. That’s just not what I want. I’d love a flat stomach… but this is hard to achieve and this takes a long time. I seem to have got a tighter face since I started going the Gym. That isn’t where I need to lose it though. I hate my thighs because they feel huge to me. I know that to others they may look different because I look down on them (to me they look like tree trunks).
I hate myself anyway. I wish that I was skinnier and had longer hair (mine doesn’t want to grow very fast). I would love to bleach my hair again or at least have streaks. I can’t touch it if I want it to grow because blond makes my hair straw like due to my hair being naturally dry textured. I have got coconut oil on it as a leave in conditioner this week. I haven’t straightened it because it drys it out (I do use straightening spray as well). I get bored with my hair though. That is why I don’t like keeping it brown. It’s my natural colour but boring. I had some red dye at home so I just had to put that on. Black was okay until it went dull and then removing it was difficult. It’s not all come out now. I’ve literally put the red over the top to disguise where the black hasn’t come out yet.
I’ve still got emerald green eyeliner to try on. I haven’t worn it yet. I brought it because it was a pound and I hadn’t tried that colour before. I normally stick to black. I find it hard to do eyeliner though because of my lazy eye. I can’t aim properly and sometimes make a right mess (or on the worse occasions, poke myself in the eye). Liquid eyeliner isn’t a good idea for me to apply at all (especially the water proof ones). I can do mascara, just nothing that requires definition and detail. I don’t wear make up every day. It’s a huge effort and I’ve not really built it into my routine unless I’m actually going out for the day.
I haven’t really been out a lot recently due to anxiety. I feel like even when I’m trying to do my best, it just isn’t good enough. I have no confidence in my own abilities. I got asked about what Aspie talent I had earlier. I don’t even know what mine actually is. I used to sing. I was average at that. I played the violin at school (totally awful at that). I’m not arty because I cannot draw or paint. I can’t write properly and I just don’t think I have an Aspie talent. I’ve been told that I put colours together well when I do those colouring in pictures. I can communicate with animals (lets face it with the three cats I’m surrounded by them so I get a lot of practice at that skill). I can drive (but so can a lot of people). I can remember strings of information without a lot of effort (photographic memory but selective because I don’t remember every single thing). I really don’t know what my special talent could be. I’ve never been a typical person with Asperger Syndrome. I have learning disabilities with it and hormonal issues. That makes it more complicated. I literally try to avoid people at certain times when I am affected by hormonal moods. I can argue with myself at those times, let alone anyone else.
Anyway, I’m falling asleep typing so I’ve got to go now. Goodnight zzzz
I can’t say too much. The new visitors are not aware of the full facts of what the entry was talking about earlier. I can’t go into all the details. I also don’t know the details of the new charges. However, I only know what has happened on the dates that have been emailed to me by my solicitor. I got kicked out of a university three years ago. I was led to believe that the tutor involved had intentionally made me get thrown out of university and didn’t care. I found out recently that my support service at the time told the other person involved not to speak to me. And that other person had to sign a contract to that effect. I really want to go back to the university but there was no understanding of my disability because they seemed to focus more on punishment than reasonable adjustments. I was very honest about my disability and past. I got given a criminal record previously many years ago because of my behaviour problems. The support service that I had told me I couldn’t go back to university and they wouldn’t help me fight the exclusion (even though I was given a chance to appeal).
Obviously, I wasn’t very happy about not being able to go back to study at the University. Journalism was something that I always wanted to do from a young age. I had conflicting negative information circling around me for a while and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I said some vile threats using something that had been said in class. I will always hate myself for those things. I don’t want to go into details but I would just like to point out that this isn’t normally who I am. I was very frustrated because I felt that no one was listening to me. I had support and even they kept dismissing how distressed I was over the whole situation. I finished with them eventually because they weren’t taking any notice of how I felt, let alone supporting me. They were well aware that I couldn’t stick to the restraining order because of my disability traits and this was also put into reports to the court.
They kept sending me back to the same support service which wasn’t being helpful. I was stuck in a horrible situation where I felt that my emotions were constantly being abused. I was trying to reach out to the other person. This has gone on for over 2 and a half years. I tried to tell everyone what I had found out recently because I don’t think it is fair what has happened and just wanted the order to be finally off my name. After finding out that it was my support staff that told the other person not to talk me and there was a contract that they had to sign. I even told the court what I’d found out.
I couldn’t follow the order. I made that clear to the court when they put it on. I wasn’t being intentionally defiant. I was being honest. A few weeks ago, I was that distressed over everything that had happened (not helped by an associate of the other person), that I got suicidal and decided that I’d rather be dead than go through any more proceedings. And, quite honestly, there is also a tiny part of me that will always miss the other person. I don’t want to ruin their career. But, this isn’t fair on me either. The numbers I started seeing since I met them and other weird things must have meant that we were meant to meet. This whole situation has ripped me apart. I was always honest. That is why I am annoyed that I’ve been punished for that honesty. It makes me feel like never being honest about myself again. However, this would feel unnatural to me.
Today I heard some news from my solicitor that will definitely result in me getting a prison sentence. I’m actually getting charged for telling everyone I’d had enough and was going to commit suicide. I did actually attempt it because I’ve had enough. It wasn’t to get at anybody. I told everyone the truth regarding what had gone on. I don’t deserve any more charges on my name for doing that. It is horrendously cruel. I can’t even do court. But, people are forcing me to be put in front of somewhere where I don’t belong. I don’t ask people to understand my disability. However, I do ask to not be punished for how it affects me.
I genuinely made mistakes because until the other day, I was not told how it was affecting the other person involved. I was never told that from when the situation started. I have always told others that they need to categorically spell it out to me. This wasn’t done for over 3 years after everything had happened (which could have been avoided). It is something to do with this area because when I lived down south I never was targeted by the law. I’m sick of being used for their targets. They get money for every conviction they process in this area (look it up and you’ll find it is true). I don’t deserve this treatment. I did what I did by accident. I wasn’t fully aware of the facts until very recently because I was not told. I don’t understand why the other person wants to hurt me so much. They know fully that I will get put into prison. They also are aware that the things that happened was my disability traits. It’s not fair if they’re being threatened by their work either because that forces them into a decision that isn’t in my best interests.
I never did the things I did on purpose. But, the system is purposefully doing this to me. Punishing me isn’t going to achieve anything. I’ve not received any support or understanding, which helps a lot more in this situation. They’re spending so much money in court, when they could be putting it into services to help people so that they don’t end up in court. It would actually be a lot cheaper. I was hoping that common sense would prevail. It seems that there is none around here. Unless things change at the last minute (which the probability of that is less than 1%), I’m going to be put through something I do not deserve. I’m sorry. I wish I could change what happened. I can’t do that though. I’m thick and naive but being punished for that isn’t fair. I try my best but it’s never good enough. I would never have been able to ‘lose my ocd’ as demanded. I explained my whole disability on here last night. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I’m being pushed into feeling hate and bitterness. I’m trying to get away from that because I’ve felt that all my life. I was starting to move on but now I’ve heard this today it’s opened a huge wound again. I know that people could help me out if they wanted to. They are hell bent on thinking that I deserve it. I do not. I’m not a threat to anyone. I have a sting in my temper and can say terrible things when I’m angry. But, really I am a pussy cat in a lions skin (not sure that is actual terminology but I’ve coined it now). I don’t really have a choice about the bitter sting because I’m on the Scorpio zodiac and that is a trait. I was pushed into a very unhappy situation where I thought that I had to fight everyone. I cared about the other person and hated myself for saying those things. I hated myself too when I found out what it had done to them. That was half the reason I tried to commit suicide out of guilt. I just want it all to be over. I can’t go through anymore. I was just being honest.
I did say that I was going to spend the summer holidays ‘educating’ the public. It was supposed to be in video format. However, I’m more comfortable explaining these things in written format. I’m going to start with a topic that is fairly straight forward for me. This is explaining my disability traits. I think it’s perhaps useful right now because of how much I’ve been officially judged. I’m fully aware that others do not understand because they punish me. I’m going to try to simplify things as much as possible for readers.
I am unable to see the world in the same way as others. I do not see roles or any type of boundary. That isn’t a natural thought pattern for me. I have an inbuilt belief that everyone is born equal, so they should remain equal regardless of what role they have in life. That also is partly because I’m intuitive and I really can’t pick and chose who I feel things from. That part of me is totally random. I sometime just blurt out what my intuition is saying in my head, then the other person is freaked out because they think I’ve obtained inside information. It is extremely hard to convince them how I actually know, especially if they’re not a believer in such abilities.
I’m annoyingly shy in offline life. I have no self confidence and I build up to talking to the other person. I do some things that may look a little strange to others. But, this is only because I’m quite afraid of people and I kind of check them out before properly approaching them. I know that it could look quite dodgy. This is why I am explaining it here.
In regards to my ocd emailing issue (which gets me into trouble). That is not as easy as people demand for me to give up. Stop isn’t something my brain knows how to do. It can do it when I’m not in meltdown mode. If I have something in my head that is to do with another person, then it will go round my head obsessively until I have to email it to someone. I’m not the type of person that can hold anything in, especially when nothing was finished after the whole university situation. I wanted to go back and challenge the exclusion, but my support service refused to help me and subsequently told me to say I didn’t want to go back. That’s not going to help my issues. That is going to cause more frustration (which is a trigger). I have been deeply unhappy because I never went back to where I wanted to be. I feel that I was punished for being honest and that we could have come to other compromises. There should be more options than point blankly it’s against the rules so you can’t stay. I was open and honest. I was the same with the court about not being able to stick to a legally enforceable order and they still put one on. I don’t think I can be anymore blunt than I have been in either case. It is the same as someone who can never walk, or someone who is blind. Both of them can’t be ‘forced’ to walk or to see because they do not have the capabilities. I don’t see how my disability makes it any different. I said the awful things I did because I was practically pushed into a fight that I never wanted. I didn’t want to say those things. I was trying to protect myself because I was made to feel under attack due to a lot of things my support service said to me. I’m not normally a nasty person but I felt like I’d been punished over and over again for just being honest about my condition. They weren’t even prepared to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for my disability. I was even told by the support service inside the university (NAS) what time I had to be asleep. I’ve never had a ‘normal’ sleep pattern and that isn’t a choice. It is natural for me to be awake at half 2 in the morning. I’ve always had that kind of sleep pattern since becoming an adult. I’ve always been able to sleep at that time and then get up at half 6 to get to college etc. I do feel better when I have more sleep. But, my point is, dictating to me when I sleep is stepping over that line to me. We all have our personal boundary lines. I’m quite relaxed where it comes to boundaries. But, when people start dictating to me in regards to my routine that I’ve always had… this is where I draw a line. I find it impossible to go to bed about 10 pm (which is when they were suggesting), if I do, then I wake up at 3 am and cannot sleep the rest of the night. I nap when I get home from whatever I’ve been doing and that is how I generally roll. I look forward to a nap more than a night’s sleep.
I’m quite sensitive. I feel everything very deeply. I know that I shouldn’t let things offend me too much because it only makes me feel awful. I get hurt so easily because I stupidly believe that everyone has good within them. I know that this is naive. I have over reacted in the past because I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve been told to be honest and trust others…. but, when I have it just went completely pear shaped for me. I have really wished for understanding. I will never get rid of my disability. The reasonable adjustments need to be put in because everything that has been done to me has triggered my ocd traits more. People think I deserve what I got because threatened the other person involved. I did that in desperation. That isn’t my character. I have my bad sides but I’m not that evil enough to deserve what was done to me or potentially what else could be done to me if this case isn’t ceased. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve hoping that people will listen and understand.