Mental Illness is a disability… like other types of disability, equals same understanding needed.

I’m slightly able to string a written sentence together properly now. I went for a nap because I needed it after the Gym. It may not be a long paragraph but it’s a start. I have just had a Quorn tikka curry after waking up, so now I’m fully awake. I don’t have a lot of money (overspent) so I cannot ‘go out’ apart to places I’ve pre payed. E.g. The Gym.

Anyway, my topic tonight is how people are more understanding of physical disability than anything thet affects a person mentally. It is probably a repeated topic but something that I have strong opinions about. I get called dangerous and deluded for my disability traits, yet those with physical disability don’t have to put up with that  emotional abuse. I’m not anything along those lines. I am different and I’ve had to put up with crap from others because they don’t understand it. They is why I barely go out now because I’m fed up of people judging me and making me out to be an awful or a weird person. We don’t get Support when we are struggling. We get punished and basically told to ‘get over things’ or ‘get on with things’. Or, mostly in my case, learn how to socially be acceptable or suffer severe punishment. Quite frankly, I find it unfair. Those with physical disability can have friends because they aren’t complete social rejects. And if you want to be scientific here, others are being more ignorant than they are aware because every physical disability is caused by the brain. But, that is for a much more in depth topic when I have my memory and thinking capacity back properly. I just cannot stand how we are picked on and punished for our disabilities because others make arrogant assumptions. Every time I acted ‘abnormally’, I in fact was struggling and needed someone. I didn’t need punishment and being metaphorically ‘held against a wall’.


Durr brained today!

I still can’t particularly string a decent piece of written paragraph together, so please bare with me. I’m hoping that normal service is resumed soon. Im typing this at the Gym while chilling out on the exercise bike for a bit. I’m on here for about 20 minutes so it’s the perfect time to get my blog entry done for the day.

I don’t have a lot to say because I feel quite durr brained still. I forgot my name this morning. It’s easier to exercise in this durr mode because it doesn’t feel like much effort. I’m not condoning getting stoned or drunk before exercise (and I’m not but this is the feeling that I can compare to my durr brainedness. See, I’m even making up words haha. On a serious note though. I hope I’m not completely going to forget everything. I look an idiot when someone asks me what my name is and I’m just like… erm. That’s what I mean about focusing on the past. I can’t remember what went on back then. I’m not saying that out of convenience. I genuinely have no recollection more and more recently. I had glimpses before and I know that I’ve been quite hurt by the actions of others. I remembered vaguely why but not the exact details. Now I’m starting to not remember a thing. In some cases, we all must admit here that this maybe a blessing. I can start over without feeling hurt from the past. After being someone that held onto every single hurt like a terrier, this would be a huge relief for me. And, I know this will be the same for others. 

I feel ‘indescribable’…

I’m feeling, unlike anything I have felt before. I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve taken some blog entries down because I do not want to look like an ‘active aggressor’ despite the fact that I am not happy about being talked about behind my back. I honestly do not want the hassle. I never wanted to fight in the first place, and quite frankly, I just want everything to be over… no more childish behaviour. I don’t need it and it’s time that a line was drawn under everything and everyone goes their own separate ways. I can’t even think straight right now, so I am in no fit state to stay involved in that stuff. I can’t remember everyday things now, let alone make sense to anyone else. 

I couldn’t even concentrate on my Maths work today. I wasn’t really ‘present’ because my head is so far away right now. I feel like my body and brain are at separate ends of a pole right now. I went for a two and a half hour walk this evening (fitness iPhone app timed it). I kept walking and didn’t even feel like I’d walked because I literally wasn’t really there mentally. I managed to ‘zone out’ without even trying to do it. The best thing about this state is that there is no way of feeling any emotions. I’m numb because I’m ‘far away’ mentally right now. I’m not ‘feeling’ anything and time goes quite fast because I’m not present enough to make it drag. I haven’t felt very well and then mentally I went like this… I don’t know what to do for the best. I at least don’t feel stressed being as detached as I am right now… but on the other hand, it’s weird feeling absolutely no emotions. I’ve always been an emotionally driven person. That has always been a flaw of mine. It may do me good to be this laid back and ‘detached’ because I may be more focused (however not educationally if I can’t remember stuff!). I can’t write flowingly though because it’s taken me an hour to type just this small bit of text. 

I’m done!

I’m completely done! I feel extremely rough. I’m so ill tonight 😦 I didn’t deserve everything that has happened. I just want to move on. I am already moving on later this week because I’ve arranged to start the initial process of donating my eggs for couples that can’t have children. I am sure that I want to go ahead with it because I’ve read the leaflets and I feel quite confident that I am comfortable to go through with it. There are always risks and precautions listed, but I learned not to focus on these when I decided to have my son. The hospital gives you leaflets on being induced etc when your baby is late, these are terrifying if you focus on the details. I’d rather not be informed of certain things and just deal with them if the need arises. I’m not using my eggs and I won’t be having any more children. They may as well have what I’m never going to use.  

I feel so ill, I have to go to sleep before I fall over. I feel quite floaty but ache all over. I was in a lot of pain around my stomach earlier. It’s probably self-inflicted because of the painkillers. I don’t require anyone’s sympathy. I can’t stand do-gooders because they’ve ruined my life. They don’t really care about those of us that are in need… all they want to do is ‘look good’. Most of the time they make our lives worse. 

Tired, but made an effort.

I woke up feeling exhausted but I made myself get up and go for my home to ASDA and back walk (this is about two hours because it’s in the next town, so it isn’t just down the road to the shop and back). I feel more awake now but I’m still tired. I couldn’t just sit around anymore. I didn’t feel like I wanted to do it most of the way until I was on the way back (which seems to feel less far than on the way to wherever). It’s done now and I hope that my weight goes back down! I wasn’t able to stop eating whatsoever because I just got so hungry. I’ve been having fruit and yogurt when I’ve felt hungry. It’s working because it takes off the really severe cravings to eat a load of sweet sugar/fat-laden snacks. I have a really bad habit of reaching for muffins and iced buns. I’m quite pleased with myself because I’ve had chocolate muffins in my cupboard all weekend and that isn’t something that normally happens…. normally they’re gone within a day and I haven’t even started them. I know this sounds weird, but I’ve not had the energy to eat. I’ve spent the last few days working from my bed. I have even had so little energy that even thinking is an effort. I really don’t like paying for a Gym membership that I can’t use due to how I’m feeling. I did try to use it but I feel like I live miles away from the Gym. It is quite offputting because it takes 15 – 20 minutes drive to and from the Gym. I spent about 1 and a half hours at the Gym. I’m technically spending the same amount of time in the Gym as travel time. 

I still cannot remember things and I think that it is definitely going to stop me progressing in education. I can’t remember topics we covered in Entry Level 3 Maths last term. I may just have to accept that I’m never going to have the education that I’d like to get. If I can’t remember the basics, I’m certainly not going to remember Undergraduate degree level and Masters /Ph.D. because it’s a lot more complex. It’s so frustrating because up until a year ago I was okay and didn’t forget anything. I sometimes forget if I’ve already done a task. I had to ring someone about something the other day and apparently I’d already done it the day before but it had completely slipped my mind. I have no problem with long-term memory, but that doesn’t help when studying because you need the short-term memory in order to convert revision to long-term memory. I don’t like those that are educated speaking down to me. I’d have loved to have been educated to a high level… but I haven’t had the opportunity. That doesn’t make me inferior. I didn’t choose to have learning disabilities, just like I didn’t choose to have these memory problems. I’m not intelligent. I tried my hardest to be that way, but it’s not in my capabilities. I know that trying to be friends with others that are intelligent are only going to get me ridiculed. I don’t understand many large intellectual words. I do not have a logic driven brain. That will set me apart from any intelligent people. 

I kept seeing triple numbers today… all of them on car number plates while I was walking. 3777, S777, J777, 222 (about 2 cars), 555 (a few cars), 999 another few 777’s drove passed me but I can’t remember the letters that were on them. It’s definitely a sign of some kind. I have no other explanation for it.

Depression :(

I am completely suffering right now. This is why I’ve been trying to express how I cannot bear to be put through a case that I do not deserve. I am not mad and have been accused of things I didn’t actually have any intent on doing. I do not like how I have been spoken about behind my back to groups of people that assume they know me. When they absolutely do not… and we could never be friends after finding out that I’ve been the topic of gossip since I met the other person involved in the case. I needed a friend when I met them. Instead, I got someone who didn’t care what they did to me, as long as they were ‘earning money’. Both the other person and their friends are as bad as each other. I’ve had friends of mine make assumptions about the other person involved but I’ve disagreed with them and told them not to talk bad about them.

Groups of people always egg each other on to form opinions about others. And, in my case, I’ve been judged unfairly and I will get punished again by the courts for a case based on assumptions and interpretations from others who don’t understand my disability. There was never going to be a way of ‘punishing me out of my negative disability traits’. Those that even think that do not have a clue about my diagnosis or the trauma that I’ve been through in my life to have certain things etched into me. I have flashbacks associated with what the people that have done this to me this time are pushing me to go through again. I cannot do that again. I’m petrified of police cells and courts and it only makes my negative disability traits harder to control. I need understanding, not sanctions. That is all this area has ever done. I didn’t get treated in this manner in other areas because they didn’t sanction, but instead, negotiated and showed understanding. If I hadn’t got desperate for some kind of understanding then I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide. 

I am just about managing to have a bath per day. I left my hair to get matted before washing it. It’s just a lot of effort when you feel so down. I have wanted to cry half of the week. And, quite frankly, my hair is so thick that it is an effort to work with under any circumstances. I have such a messy flat because I haven’t done a lot in it for a while. The place is in need of sorting out, but I’m always tired due to being so down. I didn’t go the Gym this week. I’ve barely been out the last two days. I haven’t felt like it. I can’t face any form of exercise, however, I did still manage to lose 2lbs this week. It yo-yo’s though, so what I gain one week, I lose another week and visa versa. I don’t think I’ll ever consistently start going down. The week I went the Gym, I seemed to gain weight.    

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel so let down and punished for things that I don’t deserve. I can’t make others understand my disability, so I’m made to suffer. I have to put up with others making me out to be mad or bad. And, I can’t take it anymore because I know that I’m not. I’m not delusional because I know how it is… but I wish it wasn’t the way it is. I wish that I’d never been honest to others so that I’d protected myself from judgment and ridicule. I was too young and as dumb as a plank to realise that if you want to keep someone you like as a friend, you don’t tell them anything that can be seen as negative about yourself. And, you certainly don’t mistake love feelings for just caring about another. I wasn’t experienced enough to know and I misled others by thinking I loved them. 

Love is a positive thing, however, it can put the fear of sh*t up someone else if you proclaim your love to them a few weeks after meeting them. I felt something, but it certainly wasn’t love. I should have chilled out a bit. Until recently, I was always on edge. Now I’m too tired to have the energy to be constantly on guard and depression is making me care about nothing. I don’t even want to be alive anymore. I keep abusing painkillers hoping that they’ll just release me from my living hell. I despise each day of my existence. The cats make it better, but I wake up every morning disappointed and stressed that I have to get through another day. I’m not the only one to fall into addiction problems in my family. A few days ago we lost a member of our family that was only in their late 40s due to alcohol and drug addiction. It’s a battle that sometimes can’t be won. There are times when you no longer want to win that battle. The point where you’ve decided that it’s completely over. The pain of living in a world where no one understands you is just far too much. You’re always going to be rejected and treated negatively because of there being no understanding and everything that people do just make it worse. I’m just too tired to fight. I have no desire to battle other people and their opinions because I know that I can never get them to understand due to the fact that they can’t relate. I don’t want to come off of the painkillers, they are the only thing that gets me through life now. The only way that I can stand each day of an existence that I cannot stand. I hate everything about myself. I’ve never felt this bad in my entire life. I used to have hope that life would improve, but I no longer do. I’d rather the painkillers ended my life than have to go to court. I’d choose death over that psychological trauma. The irony here is that I take the painkillers to dull the psychological trauma of my past. I just want to stay numb so that no one can ever hurt me again. 

To the ‘friends’

Yes, this entry is aimed at the friends of the other person. You have absolutely no right to have implanted assumptions into the other person’s head. I know that most of you have set me up because I’m aware that you’ve been watching my blog etc for ages. I’m not the one that needs help, you lot need help because it’s not normal for you to turn another person against someone you’ve never even met. I have never followed your friend. So please don’t make out to them that I am some kind of stalker. I would NEVER go to someone’s home and I even avoid the university when I’m over in that locality. I would NEVER follow anyone and to accuse me of that makes me feel extremely insulted! I only found out the information that I have by complete accident and circumstance. I refuse to let others accuse me of intent that I don’t have. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You call yourselves adults, you’re not mature when it comes to laying into a younger disabled person who finds it hard to understand social things… your behaviour makes it ten times worse. I do not deserve what’s being done to me. Hands up, I said things that I didn’t realise wasn’t acceptable but you’ve been making out to the other person that everything I’ve posted is directed at them. It isn’t and never was. I’ve suffered enough because of your shit stirring. The other person shouldn’t be friends with you lot because you’re superficial and all you want to do is cause trouble! It proved it when one of you added me and told me a lie. This was to make me look like a deluded liar when I repeated it. You’ve pushed the other person into pursuing the court case against me! I have had enough of being picked on. I was always the one targeted at school and I’m not having anyone lying about me or making me out to be something I’m not as a fully grown adult. I can’t go through the proceedings. I’m asking that you see me for who I am. Not who you have made me out to be because you do not know me. I’m not a danger to anyone. Stop manufacturing this case by the things that you keep saying to the other person, it is manipulation and not fair!