Prediction

I am still awake. I was going to go to sleep until I got awoken by a noise. The cats woke up too (but they were already asleep). They looked at where the noise was coming from and then at me like they expected me to go to investigate. The noise was outside and the window is now closed so it’s safe now. The cats have gone back to sleep. I’m the only one unable to sleep here. I sleep with the light on because I am afraid of the dark. There is a valid reason for that, a dark figure used to wake me up. It shook me and blew down my ears etc. I know it sounds crazy but if I have the light on it doesn’t happen. And if my cats are on the bed, it also doesn’t happen. I told it to basically F off and it’s not come back in a year. It’s weird because it’s happened living in this area more than it ever did when I lived down south. I can’t remember it ever happening down there even when I lived on my own. 

I really don’t feel well.  I have the worse headache ever. I was having meltdowns and whacked my head on the wall. I now regret doing that because it made me dizzy and left me with a headache.

On a serious not though, before I go completely off topic, I am going to predict my own future. I’m going by what I feel. It is a commonly known tale about individuals feeling when their time is nearly at an end. I feel that strongly at this moment in time. I do not see myself being alive by the end of next year. I am too exhausted all the time. I haven’t been well for a while and that struggle has got seriously exhausting for me. Right now, I think that I won’t be here this time next year. Every single day is a struggle and I feel weak. It’s horrible being that exhausted that you just cry because you’re that drained. That is me on a daily basis, and I cannot survive like this much longer. I know that it’s going to get me soon.

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Untitled.

I have deliberately labeled this as untitled because I have had a quite nondescript day. It is a terminology a lot of artists use when they can’t really categorise a work of art or song. I’ve seen a few songs in the 90s that had this title. I agree that it lacks creativity but sometimes that is just the only way to describe something.  I did things that I did not want to do, e.g quit my Maths course. I know that I need the qualification, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to concentrate on it at the moment. I’d rather just have time off for a few years (however long it takes me to get over everything). There is no pressure on me to get a career yet. I’m only 30 and I’ve been through a hell of a lot. I can’t just go back out there and carry on as if nothing has happened after my son’s adoption etc. I never dealt with any of that. The time I spent in care as an adolescent affected me badly too. I’ve been trying to hold it together for a long time after those experiences not realising how it was affecting me. I’m not an awful person (which is how it appears to the outside).

I just had no idea how it affected my interaction with others. I’m not a nasty person. I’m hurting and I hate others walking off acting as if my pain didn’t matter at all. I made other mistakes because of lack of experience. I’ve never dated. I’ve never had that as a priority. I’ve never even been the type of person that needed a load of people around them. I don’t mind being alone. I used to get lonely, but now I like my own space because my experiences with others just aren’t worth being a ‘social being’. I used to go out when I lived down south, but I was a lot younger then. It seems so long since I was in my early 20’s. I have friends but we are all the same in regards to the fact of being geeks/freaks and don’t want to go out socially, not to mention we are quite spread out (I’ve moved around a lot in my life). It doesn’t feel the same going out now as it did when I was younger. I just don’t have fun and constantly want to go home nowadays. I don’t even enjoy being around other people anymore due to what has been done to me. I just can’t another person because everyone I’ve remotely trusted has had a negative impact on my life.

I also have stupid health problems, for example, my knee randomly decides to swell up (I only banged it the other day by accident and it was just a small knock), I have my leg up on the side of the chair while I’m typing this entry because it is the only way to drain off the fluid without having to take anti-inflammatories. It only takes a knock or a stretch of my knee the wrong way and it swells. It was a huge issue before I got pregnant and after having my son it stopped for a while… however, it came back and now it’s doing this regularly. It’s an old Gym injury… I was size 16 and wanted to get rid of the weight way too enthusiastically. This is what I was left with for that enthusiasm. I need to try to not exercise when it comes up, but then I get really stressy when I gain weight because of keeping off of it. I have crutches but I can’t walk miles on them due to the fact that they make your hands sore (they aren’t designed for walking distances). 

They say it’s good to be enthusiastic, however, I beg to differ because in my experience, every time I’ve been enthusiastic, it’s ended up a huge mess for me. I’d rather be laid back and not care less, this is a way not to get disappointed if things don’t work out. It’s not worth having hopes because they all get dashed. I don’t think I’d have mental health problems if I hadn’t had such high expectations. I had normal expectations, but they were ‘too normal’ for a person with learning disabilities. I cannot make the grades that I wish that I could. The fact that I do not have the abilities that I needed to reach those goals are a frustration within itself. I’ve never spoken about my learning disabilities alongside my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis. It’s not something that I’ve ever wanted to face because I don’t want to accept that those learning disabilities will mean I can never be at the level I’d have liked to have been in life. 

On a positive note, I got the results of my ultrasound today. It came back normal. Therefore, it must have been caused by stress. There is no other explanation for it. There’s no physical reason why I’m experiencing horrendous monthlies. It looks like I’m just going to have to put up with it for one week a month. I cannot fix stress. It just comes with having Asperger Syndrome and learning disabilities. That is also another reason why I’m having a break from being out there because I will feel less stressed. There is no danger of misunderstandings and more stress being laid on me. I don’t understand half of the things that others say. I have blagged my way through life due to lack of schooling. I can’t learn things that easily because of my learning disabilities and I’m too old (that is why they do all these therapies and learning skills stuff with children, there is no funding for adults due to statistically not being as able to relearn everything as successfully as those who are children). I want to learn things, but it doesn’t mean that I can due to my associated learning disabilities. It’s not always enough wanting to learn things and can end up a source of frustration (also causing stress). If I do not have the abilities, but I want to be able to do something, then that is going to be extremely stressful for me. Then others have a go at me and punish me for things I can’t naturally do and this is extreme stress for me. Others may feel that things are so easy for me to do because they are able to do it. That isn’t true. There are some things that are difficult for me because my brain isn’t programmed like theirs. There is absolutely no way that punishment is going to programme someone’s brain to have abilities that it doesn’t have. This is not helping someone at all, despite what ‘normal brained’ people may assume. And, as far as others assuming that sanctioning me will get rid of my OCD is going to be successful, then they are sadly mistaken. Internalising my OCD traits because I’ve been forced to due to circumstances harms me. It’s made me constantly exhausted and maybe even contributed to my above problem. I have tried to explain this to others but they just don’t listen. 

I can’t just ‘put up and shut up’…

I simply cannot ‘put up and shut up’ anymore. How am I supposed to pretend things haven’t affected me when they really have? I have lasting effects which have started to become more apparent recently. I quit college because I don’t want to go out there or to that locality again regularly because of the negative memories. I don’t want to quit because I need my education. I just can’t face others on a daily basis right now. The more things I can cancel, the better it is for me. 

I’ve decided that I don’t really want to give blood and even the idea of donating my eggs to the fertility clinic no longer has the same appeal to me. I’m on the donor register, but it’s a whole different thing when you’ve passed away, and I’m not sure what will still be useable after I’m gone. I know that some of me won’t be good enough to use. But, that is the story of my life. I don’t feel that I should be messing with nature. If I give my eggs to the fertility clinic then I’m basically giving away my own potential children to couples that can’t have their own. That completely messes with the everything happens for a reason thing. And, as for giving blood, it could make me ill due to my own health problems. I don’t want to help people in this way because I’m sacrificing aspects of myself.

I hate every single day at the moment. It’s a struggle to get through it and every night I dread another day. I have comfort eaten and gained weight. Then I’m disgusted at my figure because it’s too big for me. I’m in debt because I overspent so much when I was affected by everything. The stupid amount of APR added to credit has left me with ever increasing interest on top of the money I actually spent. I had interest free but missed a payment so the offer no longer applied due to the fact that it was in the terms and conditions. I only missed the payment because I changed email addresses and my notification didn’t come through. It was a genuine accident but they don’t allow any excuses. PayPal credit  is not the best service to use. It seemed good, until you start using it. Then you miss a payment and their offer no longer stands. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to pay off. I haven’t got a lot of money right now. I have to redecorate my flat because it looks a hell of a mess. I haven’t the money do it. I’m literally walking around in clothes that are rags because I can’t afford new ones. I maybe going up a size soon because everything feels tight.

I’ve been struggling so much throughout everything. I don’t deserve all that I have got because everything’s had a knock on effect. I think that the majority of my shoes/trainers are getting holes in them but I cannot afford to buy new ones. I’m emotionally exhausted and that makes me physically exhausted. People look at me and label me as the bad one. But I’m not because the other person involved could have helped me rather than deciding to make my situation worse. I’m in the position that I am today because of them not understanding anything about my disability. It wasn’t even like I didn’t try to explain it to them.

I’m struggling so much that I don’t want to wake up in the morning due to the fact that I’m waking up to nothing and no hope because of the other person. They do not have a clue what they’ve caused, they only care about themselves. I won’t ever repair from all of what has happened. I have lasting damage to my life because of their actions. 

I need to be honest regardless how unpopular I may appear.

I may look like I am getting on with things and I physically look a lot better in my latest photo. However, it is just a brave face okay. I’m still struggling underneath so badly. I’m extremely depressed. I’ve avoided feeling that way because of taking the painkillers. The effects of them are antidepressant. They give you a mood lift. I am starting to feel the depression at its full impact. I have just quit college because I don’t really want to be around people. I have just emailed to confirm that I’m leaving. I haven’t told my family because they wouldn’t approve. I’m still doing my GCSE law distance learning. I don’t have to go out or be with anyone then. I don’t want to be in the city right now. There are too many memories I’d rather forget because they dig at me so much. 

I truly did care about the other person. I loved them so much. And I do not want things to be the way they are forever. I cannot just ‘forget’ what has happened. It affects me and I cannot help that. I can’t just ‘switch it off’. The whole situation has extremely damaged me beyond repair. I know that others do not understand why I’ve been affected the way that I have. I’m not willing to get into long debates to justify my feelings. I’m too tired to argue because I literally have no energy left. I am broken because nothing is ever going to change. It doesn’t matter how many times people have a go at me for how I feel, that won’t change how I feel about things. I wanted to be with the other person or at least have some fun with them. It wasn’t that I just wanted a Mother figure (although this has never helped matters). I know that I’m always denying that I am bisexual/lesbian. I did say that I do not want to categorise myself. And I refuse to talk about this side of myself. I don’t want to be that way. I was brought up to believe that same-sex relationships were abnormal. But, anyway I was a fool to think that anyone much more intelligent and somewhat beautiful than myself would ever want me. I have learning disabilities and I’m poorly educated. I’m not good enough for them even as a friend. I’d take friends just so I could have them in my life. I am aware that I am far too young for them in any other way. I also lack experience and if I went for it with them it would have been my first intimate experience with a female. I’ve never kissed a girl even. I have barely kissed a guy.  I only kissed a few guys because I felt pressured into it growing up due to the fact that I wanted to fit in.  

I’m speaking from the heart here. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me or even understand. I won’t ever be the same again. I’m not the type of person to just quit college. That shows how affected I am. I’m emotionally exhausted and that is turning in to physical exhaustion. I could sleep 24 hours a day right now. I can’t put a brave face on any longer without being honest in regards to how I really feel about everything. This whole situation has ruined me as a person. I honestly have never felt the way I did about the other person about anyone else in my entire life. I wouldn’t still feel the way that I do if it wasn’t like that. I can’t let go because this wasn’t just a stupid youngster crush. I truly felt love for the other person. It wouldn’t have destroyed me this badly. 

I don’t think this will work.

I simply cannot cold turkey off of the painkillers. I touch my skin and it aches because the nerve endings are sensitive. I haven’t got a headache yet but it’s something that can happen because it has previously when I tried to cold turkey. I know that they’re not helping my weight either. I’m constantly bloated which can get quite depressing. I am feeling very fragile. I can’t touch anywhere on my body without it hurting. I think that my dodgy knee may be kicking off again. It’s got a bit of fluid on top of it. Hopefully by Tuesday I don’t feel this awful because I want to go back the Gym. I haven’t been for the last two weeks. I’ve been so busy and not well enough to go. I need to make my gym membership worth the money or it is £75 to get out of it. I also struggle with anxiety because sometimes I just don’t feel like being in a room exercising with others present. 

I was woken up by the cats this morning. There’s a black and white one that turns up sometimes. He doesn’t appear very often now. I haven’t seen him since the summer. He popped his head around my curtain earlier. It caused a load of hissing and growling from one of my cats and Dave. This woke me up. They’re all happy now anyway.  Dave has gone outside and so has the black and white one.  Mister has calmed down and come back to sleep on the bed. I think Mimi is under the bed in the draw part (dissapears in there for hours and hours). I fell asleep with Mimi next to me, but when I woke up, Mister was next to me. They do that all the time. It’s very rare that I wake up next to the same cat that was there when I fell asleep.

Sorry that this is so short today. I feel absolutely terrible. I just want the withdrawal effects to end. 

Today has been a struggle.

It has felt like a hell of a long day. I’m starting to crave painkillers again. I ran out last night and haven’t taken any in 24 hours. I’m starting to get withdrawal effects. It causes pain because your nerve endings ‘wake up’ and get oversensitive. They were really tender earlier. I think I’m through the worse of it now. I still feel restless because I’m used to them helping me feel chilled out. 

I was practicing my Maths work earlier. I think that I’m going to have to rely on just about scraping through the exams. It’s never going to be a strong subject for me. I’m only doing it because I need it to get to degree level. If there was another option then I’d take it. I need to get my GCSE in Maths asap because the new GCSE’s (my English GCSE is one of them) have time limits of approximately 5 years. I think it is absolutely ridiculous but that is our stupid education system now (all revolves around making money). I don’t even know if my English GCSE is going to be accepted because we did the old version which consisted of coursework towards our marks. It is all exam based now. I hear that you have to actually learn the texts before you go into the exam. I didn’t get a lot of schooling so I had to manage to scrape a C on my other GCSE’s (English, Psychology, Biology, managed to get a B in Sociology). I know that I’m going to have to brush up on my knowledge before I attempt to pass A Levels (so much more details required and writing during exams). I think the borderline learning disabilities part of my condition are going to get in the way when it comes to doing a higher level. I may have to accept that I’m never going to get to the Postgraduate level goal. I’ve had to play catch up throughout my life, but maybe I’ll never actually catch up fully. I don’t want to accept that I have a learning disability. I wish that I’d been one of those savant Aspergers. I could have been in such a high position by now and would never have got into any trouble through lack of understanding. I really don’t see how I’m going to go very far under the current education system. It makes it more complicated than it should be and due to having learning disabilities, it already is complicated enough to me. I don’t think that I was designed to be highly educated. I honestly do not feel that I’ll ever get to where I want to be in life.  

I have stopped seeing all those triple numbers. I must have completed some kind of ‘everything happens for a reason’ mission. I saw 8888 today on my walk on two wheely bins side by side. I was seeing four repeated numbers for a while. I do feel that they both mean different things. I looked up the number today and it said ‘the only way to have a friend is to be one’. Then it went on to say that this number means money, good fortune, and a windfall. After everything I’ve been through, I would love some good fortune. 

I am aware that there have been high profile news stories regarding a teenager with Asperger Syndrome being charged with hacking the FBI and the CIA. I have decided that I am no longer going to try to make the public understand things from our point of view because I’m sick of getting laid into. I honestly do not have an opinion on the case. He made the decision to hack into the personal accounts of members of the FBI/CIA. He now has to pay the price for that because hacking is illegal. I had to pay the price for the decisions that I made that happened to be against the law. It’s as black and white as that. There is absolutely no way that society is ever going to understand anything that I try to explain to them. They do not care about any of the factors I try to explain to them. All they care about is written instruction known as the law. I’m not being made a target for trolling because of trying to get others to understand what it is like for people like myself. I get hated trying to explain things and help others to understand certain aspects. I do not want to be hated. I just want to fit in and that is all I’ve ever wanted. I can’t 

I can’t sleep much at the moment. I try to sleep but I keep waking up. I can’t remember sleeping half of the night for the last 3 or 4 days. Then I keep having the most cryptic dreams ever, which also wakes you up because some of them are quite traumatic. I have stopped waking up screaming now at least. And, then when I try to forget things to move on with life, I got a five-pound note as change with the initials of the person I’m trying to forget printed in the bar code. It is extremely irritating because I will always miss the other person and things like that happening doesn’t help with trying to completely forget them.

A week full of achievement.

It’s been a long week but I’m happy to report that I achieved yet another good grade on my GCSE law assignment that I submitted earlier on in the week. I got 87%. I think that may be the highest grade I’ve achieved so far out of all the assignments I’ve done on that subject. I’m starting to get my memory back but still a bit forgetful. I think it was the stress of knowing I had to get through everything somehow and I wasn’t sure I could do it. I didn’t really get through it because I keep waking up screaming due to the memories of being in the cell etc. I’m going to be living with these effects for a long time, especially if the order stays on because it’s making me paranoid. I feel like other people are going to set me up because they want to destroy me. It may all be in my head, but to me, it is very real and I find myself continually on my guard and unable to relax due to the restraining order being indefinite. It cannot be forever, I don’t deserve that. I made mistakes through lack of experience and my disability combined. I can’t take being unwanted forever. I just wanted a friend, regardless of assumptions made by others. I needed a friend desperately after losing my son and no one really understands what I went through.

Anyway, on a more positive note, I have also passed my Wicca Diploma. I achieved a Distinction. Here are my certificates below:

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And, I’m attempting to come off the painkillers again. I will probably need them within 24 hours. I don’t think I’ll ever properly get off of them. I have tried and I know the dangers. They cause a slow painful death. The only positive thing about that is not knowing when it will happen. The stories I’ve heard is that those that have succumbed to this kind of death suddenly get ill out of the blue and within a week they have passed away. I don’t have the strength to stay off of them. I believe that if it’s meant to be my path, then that is what will be. I do sometimes want to lay down and never wake up again because my life has been a huge struggle. There are times that you want to just give up. And, if this happened to me in the foreseeable future, then I would accept it because I’m tired every single day due to health problems alongside painkiller abuse. I cannot do the things I used to be able to do and that is frustrating. I do get quite depressed over it and I am tearful in general at the moment.