I would just like to point out a few things that I have learned recently. There are many reasons why I’ve probably felt mentally awful in my life. I’ve completely changed my lifestyle recently and I feel a bit better. I would like to point out the importance of drinking water. I don’t want to sound like I am nagging because I know that other people are always banging on about it. I have proven that it really does work wonders for your health. I had the worse migraine for two days. I got so fed up last night that I kept drinking water and went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling drastically better. I still have an ache there but it’s not severe like it was previously. I have better hair and my skin feels different. I have an issue with flakey dry skin on my face and really hard skin on the bottom of my feet (maybe my feet issue is related to walking a lot). I had none of that when I woke up this morning. I even didn’t have the stomach fluid that I normally have constantly. Water really does heal. I know that it doesn’t have the best taste. We have a lot of fluoride in our water here. That makes it taste even more fowl. I’d recommend bottled water, but some of it is quite over priced. I put tap water in the cat’s water bowls but they don’t like to drink it right away because of the fluoride content in the tap water here (it disperses if you leave it standing). I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time).
I woke up this morning feeling drastically better. I still have an ache there but it’s not severe like it was previously. I have better hair and my skin feels different. I have an issue with flakey dry skin on my face and really hard skin on the bottom of my feet (maybe my feet issue is related to walking a lot). I had none of that when I woke up this morning. I even didn’t have the stomach fluid that I normally have constantly. Water really does heal. I know that it doesn’t have the best taste. We have a lot of fluoride in our water here. That makes it taste even more fowl. I’d recommend bottled water, but some of it is quite over priced. I put tap water in the cat’s water bowls but they don’t like to drink it right away because of the fluoride content in the tap water here (it disperses if you leave it standing). I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time).
I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time). I normally drink soft drinks and tea.
I normally drink soft drinks and tea. I know that they are both not the best drinks for a person. But, I really am weak when it comes to sweet stuff (I would be a size 6 if I cut out all of those sugary snacks that I just cannot resist and not have a stomach podge). Tea is what keeps me going when I’m studying or doing some other kind of work (e.g. writing articles, website promotion, planning my book etc). I do not like coffee because I think it tastes like soil. There are many people who drink coffee that say it is not nice but it keeps them awake to be able to do their work etc. I feel sick at the smell, let alone the taste of coffee. Soft drinks are very bad for your teeth. I was told by my dentist that I had to cut down on the Pepsi that I drink because it is affecting my teeth. I then started oil pulling with coconut oil. That damage on my teeth has nearly reversed and the dentist was unable to believe it when I last went for my check up. There is a lot of press saying that this technique doesn’t work. I do it daily while I’m in the bath (I have a bath every single night because I feel dirty if I don’t). The sugar content of food, therefore, doesn’t have the time to get into the underneath gum parts of your teeth. Coconut oil has healing properties too. This could account for all the damage being reversed. I know that no one
I know that no one thinks I’m trying to help myself. But I really am. I’ve changed my lifestyle a lot. I haven’t been able to work miracles, but I’m getting there. I don’t think it’s fair that someone should be punished when they’re trying their best to combat their demons. It may not be on other people’s timescale. Recovery doesn’t have a timescale. There are some things that I won’t get over. In time though, they will not affect the person that I am. I made mistakes, but I have already been punished for them. It is now time for people to help me and give me the benefit of the doubt. The current legal roads are something that doesn’t need to be gone down. I made my mistakes because I was unaware of the full facts. I hold my hands up to those mistakes, but I am trying to become a better person. I want to become a better person. It takes a lot of effort and leaving a former life behind. I need to be allowed to move on without charges on my name.
I’ve not been well all week. I’ve had to spend half of the week in bed. I just can’t deal with the things that I’m being forced to face. I’m not making anything up to get out of trouble. I’m being honest. It’s making me extremely ill. I can barely eat and I feel absolutely terrible. I take painkillers etc and nothing works. This is harming me very badly. I try to put a brave face on when I have to go out. I am always feeling it when I’m at home though. I’m constantly on edge. I cannot relax whatsoever. This doesn’t have to be the way that it is anymore. I genuinely made the mistakes because I did not understand until someone told me. I don’t deserve the punishments anymore. I wish that others would just see sense and be able to see that I was naive. I completely misjudged the whole situation and let my anger control my actions. I couldn’t help being angry after everything that happened. It’s not good for any of us involved to keep this going any longer. I never meant to hurt the other person. I was stupid and inexperienced in relationships. This process is hurting me and I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to do that. The things that happened wasn’t entirely my fault, so why should I take all the responsibility for it? I know that the system always has to blame someone. But, now the truth has surfaced and we know what happened from either side of the situation, I don’t see why things have to continue in a legal capacity. I get it. I’m gone. I’ll never darken their door again by my presence. I just wish for fairness now. I’ve suffered enough in this situation. They may not think that I have, but they don’t know what went on in my life over the last 2 years. We were practically played off against each other and there was a lot of lies told to me by my support service. I don’t need this because it’s making me so ill. I can’t do this illness anymore.
I had to get up so early this morning. I was actually doing my Maths booklet at half 7 this morning before I had to go out. I had to go for a blood test at half 8. I’m getting quite drained by my health problems. They’re all kicking off because of the stress I’m under. I have a nagging headache that just will not go away. I’ve had it for two days now and it’s starting to get rather annoying. Painkillers won’t touch it. I think I may have hay fever or a cold because I keep having to blow my nose all the time. There are fields around the village where I live, but it’s normally when that oil seed rape crop that gives me hay fever. I thought I had a cold a fortnight ago but it went away after a day. The headache clears when I first blow my nose. I wish it would go permanently. I’m watching the wright stuff (again, it’s a daily routine for me when I’m up early enough). I saw the part regarding volunteers at the National Trust refusing to wear the Rainbow Gay Equality badge. Those that weren’t prepared to wear it subsequently got told they couldn’t work on the front line anymore. I fully respect their decision not to wear the badge and I’m not sure that they should be told that they can’t work on the front line services. The badge doesn’t always have to represent the Gay community. In this case it has been adopted by the Gay community. However, a Rainbow symbolizes hope, which can apply to us all as a society. It can represent hope for every single disadvantaged group. It is very important that all disadvantaged groups join together because there is strength in numbers. The support systems in the UK are broken, so the only hope we have is to help each other. I know in theory it isn’t that simple. But, it could be if people weren’t liable to be punished for speaking out against inefficient systems. I do not care what other people thinks of me being honest about my experiences of the system. I would have to be seriously careful if I had a job though because an employer can dismiss someone for saying something controversial against the system. I made sure that I said something when I did find things out. It does look like I’ll get punished for that. But, I believe in honesty and transparency. Both of those aspects weren’t even a factor when the services were ‘dealing’ with my case. I put the word dealing in quotation marks because they didn’t deal with the issues. Instead, they made the situation into what it turned into and how it remains in the present day. They’re not going to hold their hands up and admit to the mistakes that they have made. Instead, they’re going to lay it all on my head and I could actually go to prison because they didn’t do their job properly. I wasn’t supported by my support service. I was lied to and not told the full facts so that I could understand things which don’t come naturally to me because of my disability.
This leads me on to the other things that were covered in the programme today. The lead family court judge has spoken out about how awful our mental health support is in this country. He literally had no idea what to do with a suicidal girl in his court room who was about to be let out into the community. She was in no fit state to be going home because she was trying to commit suicide at every opportunity, even in a room with no furniture whatsoever. They also mentioned the cottage hospital system that used to be in place years ago. I hear that there used to be one locally. The older generation remember the time when this area did have a place that would take in those that needed help but wasn’t eligible for a secure psychiatric unit. There was barely any giving of criminal records to those with mental illness because the situation didn’t get that far because help was given before it reached a crisis point. It should go back to that sort of system because it would be a lot less stressful for those of us with problems. We wouldn’t have to lose everything and everyone we value because things wouldn’t be allowed to go so far if the help was put in earlier. There would be more stability in our lives. Stability is what I’ve wanted most in my adult life. The way things are done has meant that I have never been able to obtain that much needed factor. That helps control my ocd/asperger traits. Instability and stress triggers those traits and that is all that our system gives to us.
I had a lay in today because I was extremely tired. I didn’t really sleep properly last night. I was nearly asleep when my Cat (Mister) wanted to come in the window. I laid in bed until lunch time. I just couldn’t wake up this morning because I had no energy. I went for a long walk when I did finally get up. I went for a 2 and a half hour walk. I needed a nap when I got back. I barely ate today. I only ate a chocolate bar today. I had a main meal but not until later when I woke up. I’m not that hungry right now. I don’t eat a lot when I’m busy throughout the day.
I’m watching the programme Kicked Out: From Care to Chaos (it will be on BBC IPlayer if anyone wants to watch it on catch up). It brings out a lot of inner feelings in me. I know what it is like to be a child and an adult in the ‘care’ system (I stayed in it longer because of being a vulnerable adult). The feeling of not having a proper family and getting into trouble as a result. These kids are quite challenging and relentless. I have been like that at my very worse. They are right when they say that it takes once person to be patient with them to help them fight their demons and actually change. It does hurt being passed from pillow to post. This kind of life doesn’t help you settle or lose all the negative traits that you have acquired due to your experiences. I don’t believe that I’d ever have been given a criminal record if it wasn’t for the systems affects on me. I always wanted a proper mother figure because I never had that at home. I ended up getting into trouble as a teenager and subsequently got sent away from home. I barely saw my own family after that for many years. I returned to where I grew up and felt like a stranger to the family that I had came from because a decade had passed.
I’ve not long got home. It is now stupid ‘o’ clock but I needed a bath because I get really sore skin when I’m stressed. It feels much more comfortable now. The skin on my face was literally red raw. I’m quite worn out after today. I’ve decided that I’m going to think positively regardless of what may or may not happen. It will be hard but none of us can move on from what has happened until efforts are made. If I do think positively and get on with things. Then, this time next year it won’t feel so hurtful. I’ve got a lot of work to do in regards to study. I’m making progress in that avenue because I’m understanding Maths for the first time in my life. That was a pitiful subject for me at school. I keep getting told that I should write a book by others. I just don’t have the time right now balancing two subjects and trying to sort myself out. I’m also not good enough at writing yet. There is a certain amount of patience and concentration needed to focus on writing a book. Right now, that is something I do not have. I have my thoughts going all over the place. I actually painted my toes as well as my finger nails the other day. This was due to the fact that I have such a restless brain right now.
I never really sit still and I haven’t eaten a lot in over 4 days. I know it’s not the best way to lose weight, but that’s a positive in this situation. I’ve actually lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I’m glad because my weight kept going up and up. That is why I joined the Gym. I have been lazy though because I haven’t gone in a week. I wasn’t well and then I just convinced myself that half an hour last week was all I can manage. I can run for two minutes on the treadmill now at jogging speed. I didn’t used to have the coordination for that. I ran on the spot at home when I wanted to lose weight and wasn’t going the gym. Then I just did exactly the same on the treadmill. It’s about building up in stages. I don’t think that I enjoy the Gym because I put myself off too quickly by trying to do ‘too much’ at once. I’m fine when I’m in the mood for exercise. But, when I’m not, it’s like the hardest chore in the world.
The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing that I will get the slim body that I am aiming for eventually. I’m only 5 ft 2. If I put too much weight on I literally look like a dumpling. I remember when I was 14 1/2 stone. I wore size 16 clothes and I felt huge. I’ve always been curvy. However, apparently (according to a male friend) I do not have a bum. I have hips and a stomach though. I think they call it pear shaped. I know that most females aspire to have one of those bums that stand out. That’s just not what I want. I’d love a flat stomach… but this is hard to achieve and this takes a long time. I seem to have got a tighter face since I started going the Gym. That isn’t where I need to lose it though. I hate my thighs because they feel huge to me. I know that to others they may look different because I look down on them (to me they look like tree trunks).
I hate myself anyway. I wish that I was skinnier and had longer hair (mine doesn’t want to grow very fast). I would love to bleach my hair again or at least have streaks. I can’t touch it if I want it to grow because blond makes my hair straw like due to my hair being naturally dry textured. I have got coconut oil on it as a leave in conditioner this week. I haven’t straightened it because it drys it out (I do use straightening spray as well). I get bored with my hair though. That is why I don’t like keeping it brown. It’s my natural colour but boring. I had some red dye at home so I just had to put that on. Black was okay until it went dull and then removing it was difficult. It’s not all come out now. I’ve literally put the red over the top to disguise where the black hasn’t come out yet.
I’ve still got emerald green eyeliner to try on. I haven’t worn it yet. I brought it because it was a pound and I hadn’t tried that colour before. I normally stick to black. I find it hard to do eyeliner though because of my lazy eye. I can’t aim properly and sometimes make a right mess (or on the worse occasions, poke myself in the eye). Liquid eyeliner isn’t a good idea for me to apply at all (especially the water proof ones). I can do mascara, just nothing that requires definition and detail. I don’t wear make up every day. It’s a huge effort and I’ve not really built it into my routine unless I’m actually going out for the day.
I haven’t really been out a lot recently due to anxiety. I feel like even when I’m trying to do my best, it just isn’t good enough. I have no confidence in my own abilities. I got asked about what Aspie talent I had earlier. I don’t even know what mine actually is. I used to sing. I was average at that. I played the violin at school (totally awful at that). I’m not arty because I cannot draw or paint. I can’t write properly and I just don’t think I have an Aspie talent. I’ve been told that I put colours together well when I do those colouring in pictures. I can communicate with animals (lets face it with the three cats I’m surrounded by them so I get a lot of practice at that skill). I can drive (but so can a lot of people). I can remember strings of information without a lot of effort (photographic memory but selective because I don’t remember every single thing). I really don’t know what my special talent could be. I’ve never been a typical person with Asperger Syndrome. I have learning disabilities with it and hormonal issues. That makes it more complicated. I literally try to avoid people at certain times when I am affected by hormonal moods. I can argue with myself at those times, let alone anyone else.
Anyway, I’m falling asleep typing so I’ve got to go now. Goodnight zzzz
I can’t say too much. The new visitors are not aware of the full facts of what the entry was talking about earlier. I can’t go into all the details. I also don’t know the details of the new charges. However, I only know what has happened on the dates that have been emailed to me by my solicitor. I got kicked out of a university three years ago. I was led to believe that the tutor involved had intentionally made me get thrown out of university and didn’t care. I found out recently that my support service at the time told the other person involved not to speak to me. And that other person had to sign a contract to that effect. I really want to go back to the university but there was no understanding of my disability because they seemed to focus more on punishment than reasonable adjustments. I was very honest about my disability and past. I got given a criminal record previously many years ago because of my behaviour problems. The support service that I had told me I couldn’t go back to university and they wouldn’t help me fight the exclusion (even though I was given a chance to appeal).
Obviously, I wasn’t very happy about not being able to go back to study at the University. Journalism was something that I always wanted to do from a young age. I had conflicting negative information circling around me for a while and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I said some vile threats using something that had been said in class. I will always hate myself for those things. I don’t want to go into details but I would just like to point out that this isn’t normally who I am. I was very frustrated because I felt that no one was listening to me. I had support and even they kept dismissing how distressed I was over the whole situation. I finished with them eventually because they weren’t taking any notice of how I felt, let alone supporting me. They were well aware that I couldn’t stick to the restraining order because of my disability traits and this was also put into reports to the court.
They kept sending me back to the same support service which wasn’t being helpful. I was stuck in a horrible situation where I felt that my emotions were constantly being abused. I was trying to reach out to the other person. This has gone on for over 2 and a half years. I tried to tell everyone what I had found out recently because I don’t think it is fair what has happened and just wanted the order to be finally off my name. After finding out that it was my support staff that told the other person not to talk me and there was a contract that they had to sign. I even told the court what I’d found out.
I couldn’t follow the order. I made that clear to the court when they put it on. I wasn’t being intentionally defiant. I was being honest. A few weeks ago, I was that distressed over everything that had happened (not helped by an associate of the other person), that I got suicidal and decided that I’d rather be dead than go through any more proceedings. And, quite honestly, there is also a tiny part of me that will always miss the other person. I don’t want to ruin their career. But, this isn’t fair on me either. The numbers I started seeing since I met them and other weird things must have meant that we were meant to meet. This whole situation has ripped me apart. I was always honest. That is why I am annoyed that I’ve been punished for that honesty. It makes me feel like never being honest about myself again. However, this would feel unnatural to me.
Today I heard some news from my solicitor that will definitely result in me getting a prison sentence. I’m actually getting charged for telling everyone I’d had enough and was going to commit suicide. I did actually attempt it because I’ve had enough. It wasn’t to get at anybody. I told everyone the truth regarding what had gone on. I don’t deserve any more charges on my name for doing that. It is horrendously cruel. I can’t even do court. But, people are forcing me to be put in front of somewhere where I don’t belong. I don’t ask people to understand my disability. However, I do ask to not be punished for how it affects me.
I genuinely made mistakes because until the other day, I was not told how it was affecting the other person involved. I was never told that from when the situation started. I have always told others that they need to categorically spell it out to me. This wasn’t done for over 3 years after everything had happened (which could have been avoided). It is something to do with this area because when I lived down south I never was targeted by the law. I’m sick of being used for their targets. They get money for every conviction they process in this area (look it up and you’ll find it is true). I don’t deserve this treatment. I did what I did by accident. I wasn’t fully aware of the facts until very recently because I was not told. I don’t understand why the other person wants to hurt me so much. They know fully that I will get put into prison. They also are aware that the things that happened was my disability traits. It’s not fair if they’re being threatened by their work either because that forces them into a decision that isn’t in my best interests.
I never did the things I did on purpose. But, the system is purposefully doing this to me. Punishing me isn’t going to achieve anything. I’ve not received any support or understanding, which helps a lot more in this situation. They’re spending so much money in court, when they could be putting it into services to help people so that they don’t end up in court. It would actually be a lot cheaper. I was hoping that common sense would prevail. It seems that there is none around here. Unless things change at the last minute (which the probability of that is less than 1%), I’m going to be put through something I do not deserve. I’m sorry. I wish I could change what happened. I can’t do that though. I’m thick and naive but being punished for that isn’t fair. I try my best but it’s never good enough. I would never have been able to ‘lose my ocd’ as demanded. I explained my whole disability on here last night. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I’m being pushed into feeling hate and bitterness. I’m trying to get away from that because I’ve felt that all my life. I was starting to move on but now I’ve heard this today it’s opened a huge wound again. I know that people could help me out if they wanted to. They are hell bent on thinking that I deserve it. I do not. I’m not a threat to anyone. I have a sting in my temper and can say terrible things when I’m angry. But, really I am a pussy cat in a lions skin (not sure that is actual terminology but I’ve coined it now). I don’t really have a choice about the bitter sting because I’m on the Scorpio zodiac and that is a trait. I was pushed into a very unhappy situation where I thought that I had to fight everyone. I cared about the other person and hated myself for saying those things. I hated myself too when I found out what it had done to them. That was half the reason I tried to commit suicide out of guilt. I just want it all to be over. I can’t go through anymore. I was just being honest.