I now know the therapy that I’m going to be having. I have my first appointment next week. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It’s private because there is nothing appropriate for me on the NHS. I have been back and forwards to the GP for a very long time to basically be told that they had no therapy services in this area available on the NHS that was suitable for my diagnosis. Then I got everyone trying to tell me I weren’t even trying to change. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I have worked myself to the ground over the last 2 years. I’ve been trying to get help off of the NHS whilst getting all my qualifications when dealing with all that. I have worked extremely hard, getting nowhere and doors slammed in my face. As I said before, the system doesn’t listen to vulnerable adults. It’s a ‘put up and shut up’ thing. Meanwhile, we continue to suffer and get blamed for everything that goes wrong.
I saved up the money to go private because I know that our system is absolutely hopeless. The people that work in it can be rather arrogant and self-servient. However, they’re working in an overly stretched system. There are just too many people that need NHS services due to population increase. There was a tiny population when the NHS was started compared to now. I’d recommend anyone that can get the money together to get the private services to take that option. I know it’s difficult when you’re on benefits. I put chunks of cash over into a savings account. I’ve barely spent anything on myself for months. I have some clothes with visible holes in them. I will be replacing them eventually but they’re okay to wear around the house and for exercising at the gym. The hole in clothes thing is a constant potential hazard when you own cats. They grab hold of you when playing and if they pull your clothes then they get ripped.
I’ve taken on extra short writing projects and other little jobs (only allowed to earn a certain amount a week on the benefit that I’m on) to work towards getting the money together quicker. This was alongside studying for my qualifications. That is why I get so offended when people accuse me of not trying to help myself and others keep punishing me. I’m trying my best in the most difficult circumstances. I have to contend with a brain that just doesn’t work right while trying to get the money together to essentially repair it. That isn’t easy. It’s like trying to row against a constant incoming tide. It is tremendously exhausting, yet needed in order to survive and get to dry land. The accusations and misunderstandings constantly being thrown at me are like being pelted with rocks while I’m struggling to row through the waves to reach that dry land.
I’m currently wishing my present circumstances away. I cannot deal with them. I have tried to get my point across to others recently. I can’t make others listen to my point of view regarding any situation. I’m that desperate to wish it all away, that I’m even wishing I’d never met the other person involved. I am that upset with them at this moment in time. I feel totally betrayed. I know that I did the wrong things now. But, they betrayed me too. The whole court thing being carried on is a huge betrayal. They have their wish now. I actually never want to see them or hear from them again in my whole life. I can’t help the way that I feel about things. I believe in being honest, and sometimes honesty hurts. I used to have respect for the other person. I used to miss them and care etc. However, now I feel nothing because of the betrayal that I feel. We’ve destroyed each other and everything became so toxic.
I wish that I had been able to understand things because I wouldn’t look such an awful person at this point. I hate looking like an awful person. I tried to do my best but it was never good enough. I could never be what others wanted me to be. I really cared, but it looked like I didn’t and was intentionally being difficult. A part of me will always care because I’m that kind of person. However, another part of me will always detest the other person due to the events that are materialising. I feel let down and like I’ve been handed over to the evil part of society for my problems instead of receiving the understanding and reasonable adjustments that I should have done at the beginning of this situation when I was still at university. I was severely failed by all involved and the other person obviously doesn’t care about me as a person, otherwise, they would never have taken the actions that have done towards me. I don’t want that crap about ‘trying to help me’. That isn’t true. I’ve heard it a million times in my life when others are only trying to help themselves. It doesn’t matter about my interests because they don’t count due to me being a ‘vulnerable adult’. I don’t have a voice that is taken into account in any way. I just have to put up and shut up. This isn’t helping me and it never will help me. It’s made my life ten times worse. The fact that I got to the point where I tried to end my own life should make that quite clear. I didn’t take that decision lightly. I took it because I saw no way out of the hell that surrounds the situation.
I’m extremely tired. I didn’t sleep last night at all. I am very stressed over everything that is happening. I wished for a miracle but it is surely not going to happen. It was worth a try. I’m quite sure that others are committed to punishing me for my disability traits and that is how it’s going to be. The fact that I didn’t know any better or indeed any of the facts that have recently come to light simply doesn’t matter to them. I truly hate myself for what happened. I punish myself every day by holding the hatred I have for myself internally. I’ve never really liked myself. I hated myself growing up because of how others treated me for being different. I suppose if I liked myself more, I could be someone that others actually liked. They say that you have to love yourself to be loved by anyone else. If you don’t think you’re worth loving, then others won’t think you’re worth loving.
I truly hate myself for what happened. I punish myself every day by holding the hatred I have for myself internally. I’ve never really liked myself. I hated myself growing up because of how others treated me for being different. I suppose if I liked myself more, I could be someone that others actually liked. They say that you have to love yourself to be loved by anyone else. If you don’t think you’re worth loving, then others won’t think you’re worth loving. I don’t see what there is to love about myself. I don’t have the best looks in the world (my face is especially not attractive). I have a personality but it is overshadowed by my disability traits. Therefore, my personality is canceled out. If I could show my personality more, then I do not think that I’d be treated the way that I am. It is a true fact that likable personalities get away with more because society does naturally participate in positive discrimination without being aware it. I’ve never let anyone get to know me well enough because of shyness and then the rest of my personality is covered with my disability traits.
I do have a personality underneath, but I barely show it. I find it difficult to express my feelings when it is needed. I don’t see the point most of the time because no one has ever listened to me when it’s been important to do so anyway. It’s part of being a child/vulnerable adult within the system. Expressing your feelings becomes an alien concept because it’s actively discouraged. Those skills are used so little that you actually forget any skills that you have acquired. I’ve become an empty shell of a person as a vulnerable adult within the so called ‘support system’. There are so many things that are constantly taken away from you and pain inflicted upon your life because of how the system conducts itself, the eventual result is just becoming void of all feelings so that you don’t get hurt. I pray for a miracle that all this will end. However, in reality, the system won’t do the right thing and I will continue to suffer.
I am beginning to mature. It is a weird process. I’m doing things like smelling my clean washing and thinking to myself that it smells lovely. I promised myself that I would never do things that. I found myself doing it automatically without conscious choice. I knew that it would creep up on me one day. I just didn’t think I’d start maturing at 30. I’ve always been years behind my peers and I don’t feel the age that I am in a few months. I don’t see things the way I used to do. I’m so much more cautious than I have been previously. I am spending less and less time online because I just cannot be bothered with all the negative aspects of social networking. I used to have my social network profile set to appear online constantly on my iPhone. But I’ve taken that off now because when I’m ‘offline’ I do not wish to be disturbed. If there is a message that needs replying to which pops up on my phone then I reply to it. But otherwise, I leave it until I log in to my laptop.
I am not on my laptop that much now. I have an old laptop which crashes a lot (since my MacBook died), so I only log into it when I can be bothered to contend with its errors occurring due to its age. I cannot afford a new laptop and right now it isn’t a priority. I’ve had to go private to get therapy/medication after being severely let down by the mental health services. It’s going to cost me approximately £140 a month including sessions and medication. The income that I have left over is going to redecorate my flat (cat damage) and convert my second bedroom into a study/office space. I need to pay off some credit too. Therefore, buying a new laptop is certainly not going to happen anytime soon. It’s all about priorities and this is what I’m trying to do here. I certainly wouldn’t be thinking like this if I hadn’t matured. The younger immature version of me would have borrowed again on credit to replace the laptop and not ever get around to the other priorities.
I am simply unable to sleep tonight. Therefore, this is the perfect time to be completely honest about how I feel. I’m certain that the whole truth hasn’t been told to either side of the case. I was led to become angry at the other half and they’ve been played off against me. The things that started this case wouldn’t have been said if my support service hadn’t done what they did. We have to work together because I don’t want conflict. I never wanted to hurt the other person involved. I reacted things and did that by accident.
It seems that outside influences are continuing to push us into fighting each other again and again. I hate fighting in whatever circumstances. Whether it’s a punch up on the street or in a court arena (like this case). It is vital that we are both made aware of the full facts by the third parties involved. I don’t need the extra stress of what is happening. I’ve done what others have asked me to do now. Even though it was very hard with my OCD traits. I need it to be over.
I’m not well. I have to have an ultrasound at the end of this month. I’m hoping that it won’t come back that something is wrong with me… but it might well do because I have been too ill for there not to be something serious. I can’t deal with all this on top of feeling ill all the time too.
I know that there are ‘rule books’ to follow. However, there are also morals too. There seems to be absolutely nowhere in this whole situation that these are being applied together. Morally it is unfair to put me through a whole court case which could lead to prison because of a stupid situation that got out of hand. The situation wouldn’t have even got out of hand if I’d been informed of certain information way back when everything happened. I hold my hands up to the fact that I did the wrong thing. It wasn’t meant to cause any harm. I have to be specifically told things that at the time I wasn’t informed about. I’m sick of the whole thing. I just want it to be finished. It’s dragged everyone involved down for the last 3 years. We all just need to break away from each other and end any proceedings because I don’t think it’s fair that I am scapegoated.
I genuinely made mistakes because I wasn’t fully informed. I’m not an awful person for purely being socially thick. If it was a crime to be thick, then at least a quarter of the population would probably be thrown in court on some form of charges. I am very fed up with the whole situation because I feel persecuted. The other person is also affected by everything. There is no attempt to help you understand a situation. They just don’t tell you from the start and even my support told the other person not to talk to me. Then they made out to me that if they cared they’d get in touch. That was cruel and now I’m getting the blame for everything because the charges are going to my name.
The powers that be have to start being honest because I’m prepared to be very blunt and direct to force the truth out there if they don’t start doing the right thing. I wouldn’t even consider taking legal action if anything has been done wrong. It means more to me that the truth comes out and it takes all the charges away.
I have finally all my housework today. I’ve been too tired to do it for many weeks. I have done a huge chunk of my Maths work today. I am still pretty proud of myself that I can actually do Maths for the first time in my life. I feel quite sad saying that. I never had a lot of schooling. I’m catching up with things I should have learned as a child. I’m starting to feel like I’ve finally started catching up with my peers. I don’t feel like I’m 30 this year. I still feel like I’m stuck as a teenager.
I am quite nervous about getting the results of my IGCSE Biology at the end of August. If I have managed to get the C or above grade (which is what I need), then it is by some fluke because I think that I messed up the first paper. The second paper may have reinstated a vast amount of marks that I lost in the first paper. I may have to retake at some point if I haven’t made the grade. However, I can’t redo it this year because I have my Law GCSE to try to pass. I need 5 GCSEs at a grade c or above to get onto an A level program at a local college. I have English at C, Psychology at C and Sociology B. I’m still trying to pass Maths (but, I have to start at entry level 3 and work up again). I’m hoping to go on the Level 1 Functional Skills Maths fast track course (only takes 6 months) and then the Level 2 Functional Skills Maths (also only takes 6 months). Then, I can do my Maths GCSE in September 2018. I’m trying to do things as quickly as possible because I have so many levels to complete before I get up to the level where I can do my degree.
I would just like to point out a few things that I have learned recently. There are many reasons why I’ve probably felt mentally awful in my life. I’ve completely changed my lifestyle recently and I feel a bit better. I would like to point out the importance of drinking water. I don’t want to sound like I am nagging because I know that other people are always banging on about it. I have proven that it really does work wonders for your health. I had the worse migraine for two days. I got so fed up last night that I kept drinking water and went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling drastically better. I still have an ache there but it’s not severe like it was previously. I have better hair and my skin feels different. I have an issue with flakey dry skin on my face and really hard skin on the bottom of my feet (maybe my feet issue is related to walking a lot). I had none of that when I woke up this morning. I even didn’t have the stomach fluid that I normally have constantly. Water really does heal. I know that it doesn’t have the best taste. We have a lot of fluoride in our water here. That makes it taste even more fowl. I’d recommend bottled water, but some of it is quite over priced. I put tap water in the cat’s water bowls but they don’t like to drink it right away because of the fluoride content in the tap water here (it disperses if you leave it standing). I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time).
I woke up this morning feeling drastically better. I still have an ache there but it’s not severe like it was previously. I have better hair and my skin feels different. I have an issue with flakey dry skin on my face and really hard skin on the bottom of my feet (maybe my feet issue is related to walking a lot). I had none of that when I woke up this morning. I even didn’t have the stomach fluid that I normally have constantly. Water really does heal. I know that it doesn’t have the best taste. We have a lot of fluoride in our water here. That makes it taste even more fowl. I’d recommend bottled water, but some of it is quite over priced. I put tap water in the cat’s water bowls but they don’t like to drink it right away because of the fluoride content in the tap water here (it disperses if you leave it standing). I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time).
I can’t believe the difference to the feel of my skin. It doesn’t have any dryness to it anymore. I have very thick hair which normally looks dry, but today it is looking longer and sleeker. I have less brittle nails. I actually had more energy than I normally have. This week I’ve been ill so that isn’t a good measure of before and after energy. But, I actually got up and did housework without finding it a strain (which I have for a very long time). I normally drink soft drinks and tea.
I normally drink soft drinks and tea. I know that they are both not the best drinks for a person. But, I really am weak when it comes to sweet stuff (I would be a size 6 if I cut out all of those sugary snacks that I just cannot resist and not have a stomach podge). Tea is what keeps me going when I’m studying or doing some other kind of work (e.g. writing articles, website promotion, planning my book etc). I do not like coffee because I think it tastes like soil. There are many people who drink coffee that say it is not nice but it keeps them awake to be able to do their work etc. I feel sick at the smell, let alone the taste of coffee. Soft drinks are very bad for your teeth. I was told by my dentist that I had to cut down on the Pepsi that I drink because it is affecting my teeth. I then started oil pulling with coconut oil. That damage on my teeth has nearly reversed and the dentist was unable to believe it when I last went for my check up. There is a lot of press saying that this technique doesn’t work. I do it daily while I’m in the bath (I have a bath every single night because I feel dirty if I don’t). The sugar content of food, therefore, doesn’t have the time to get into the underneath gum parts of your teeth. Coconut oil has healing properties too. This could account for all the damage being reversed. I know that no one
I know that no one thinks I’m trying to help myself. But I really am. I’ve changed my lifestyle a lot. I haven’t been able to work miracles, but I’m getting there. I don’t think it’s fair that someone should be punished when they’re trying their best to combat their demons. It may not be on other people’s timescale. Recovery doesn’t have a timescale. There are some things that I won’t get over. In time though, they will not affect the person that I am. I made mistakes, but I have already been punished for them. It is now time for people to help me and give me the benefit of the doubt. The current legal roads are something that doesn’t need to be gone down. I made my mistakes because I was unaware of the full facts. I hold my hands up to those mistakes, but I am trying to become a better person. I want to become a better person. It takes a lot of effort and leaving a former life behind. I need to be allowed to move on without charges on my name.