I’ve not long got home. It is now stupid ‘o’ clock but I needed a bath because I get really sore skin when I’m stressed. It feels much more comfortable now. The skin on my face was literally red raw. I’m quite worn out after today. I’ve decided that I’m going to think positively regardless of what may or may not happen. It will be hard but none of us can move on from what has happened until efforts are made. If I do think positively and get on with things. Then, this time next year it won’t feel so hurtful. I’ve got a lot of work to do in regards to study. I’m making progress in that avenue because I’m understanding Maths for the first time in my life. That was a pitiful subject for me at school. I keep getting told that I should write a book by others. I just don’t have the time right now balancing two subjects and trying to sort myself out. I’m also not good enough at writing yet. There is a certain amount of patience and concentration needed to focus on writing a book. Right now, that is something I do not have. I have my thoughts going all over the place. I actually painted my toes as well as my finger nails the other day. This was due to the fact that I have such a restless brain right now.
I never really sit still and I haven’t eaten a lot in over 4 days. I know it’s not the best way to lose weight, but that’s a positive in this situation. I’ve actually lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I’m glad because my weight kept going up and up. That is why I joined the Gym. I have been lazy though because I haven’t gone in a week. I wasn’t well and then I just convinced myself that half an hour last week was all I can manage. I can run for two minutes on the treadmill now at jogging speed. I didn’t used to have the coordination for that. I ran on the spot at home when I wanted to lose weight and wasn’t going the gym. Then I just did exactly the same on the treadmill. It’s about building up in stages. I don’t think that I enjoy the Gym because I put myself off too quickly by trying to do ‘too much’ at once. I’m fine when I’m in the mood for exercise. But, when I’m not, it’s like the hardest chore in the world.
The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing that I will get the slim body that I am aiming for eventually. I’m only 5 ft 2. If I put too much weight on I literally look like a dumpling. I remember when I was 14 1/2 stone. I wore size 16 clothes and I felt huge. I’ve always been curvy. However, apparently (according to a male friend) I do not have a bum. I have hips and a stomach though. I think they call it pear shaped. I know that most females aspire to have one of those bums that stand out. That’s just not what I want. I’d love a flat stomach… but this is hard to achieve and this takes a long time. I seem to have got a tighter face since I started going the Gym. That isn’t where I need to lose it though. I hate my thighs because they feel huge to me. I know that to others they may look different because I look down on them (to me they look like tree trunks).
I hate myself anyway. I wish that I was skinnier and had longer hair (mine doesn’t want to grow very fast). I would love to bleach my hair again or at least have streaks. I can’t touch it if I want it to grow because blond makes my hair straw like due to my hair being naturally dry textured. I have got coconut oil on it as a leave in conditioner this week. I haven’t straightened it because it drys it out (I do use straightening spray as well). I get bored with my hair though. That is why I don’t like keeping it brown. It’s my natural colour but boring. I had some red dye at home so I just had to put that on. Black was okay until it went dull and then removing it was difficult. It’s not all come out now. I’ve literally put the red over the top to disguise where the black hasn’t come out yet.
I’ve still got emerald green eyeliner to try on. I haven’t worn it yet. I brought it because it was a pound and I hadn’t tried that colour before. I normally stick to black. I find it hard to do eyeliner though because of my lazy eye. I can’t aim properly and sometimes make a right mess (or on the worse occasions, poke myself in the eye). Liquid eyeliner isn’t a good idea for me to apply at all (especially the water proof ones). I can do mascara, just nothing that requires definition and detail. I don’t wear make up every day. It’s a huge effort and I’ve not really built it into my routine unless I’m actually going out for the day.
I haven’t really been out a lot recently due to anxiety. I feel like even when I’m trying to do my best, it just isn’t good enough. I have no confidence in my own abilities. I got asked about what Aspie talent I had earlier. I don’t even know what mine actually is. I used to sing. I was average at that. I played the violin at school (totally awful at that). I’m not arty because I cannot draw or paint. I can’t write properly and I just don’t think I have an Aspie talent. I’ve been told that I put colours together well when I do those colouring in pictures. I can communicate with animals (lets face it with the three cats I’m surrounded by them so I get a lot of practice at that skill). I can drive (but so can a lot of people). I can remember strings of information without a lot of effort (photographic memory but selective because I don’t remember every single thing). I really don’t know what my special talent could be. I’ve never been a typical person with Asperger Syndrome. I have learning disabilities with it and hormonal issues. That makes it more complicated. I literally try to avoid people at certain times when I am affected by hormonal moods. I can argue with myself at those times, let alone anyone else.
Anyway, I’m falling asleep typing so I’ve got to go now. Goodnight zzzz
I can’t say too much. The new visitors are not aware of the full facts of what the entry was talking about earlier. I can’t go into all the details. I also don’t know the details of the new charges. However, I only know what has happened on the dates that have been emailed to me by my solicitor. I got kicked out of a university three years ago. I was led to believe that the tutor involved had intentionally made me get thrown out of university and didn’t care. I found out recently that my support service at the time told the other person involved not to speak to me. And that other person had to sign a contract to that effect. I really want to go back to the university but there was no understanding of my disability because they seemed to focus more on punishment than reasonable adjustments. I was very honest about my disability and past. I got given a criminal record previously many years ago because of my behaviour problems. The support service that I had told me I couldn’t go back to university and they wouldn’t help me fight the exclusion (even though I was given a chance to appeal).
Obviously, I wasn’t very happy about not being able to go back to study at the University. Journalism was something that I always wanted to do from a young age. I had conflicting negative information circling around me for a while and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I said some vile threats using something that had been said in class. I will always hate myself for those things. I don’t want to go into details but I would just like to point out that this isn’t normally who I am. I was very frustrated because I felt that no one was listening to me. I had support and even they kept dismissing how distressed I was over the whole situation. I finished with them eventually because they weren’t taking any notice of how I felt, let alone supporting me. They were well aware that I couldn’t stick to the restraining order because of my disability traits and this was also put into reports to the court.
They kept sending me back to the same support service which wasn’t being helpful. I was stuck in a horrible situation where I felt that my emotions were constantly being abused. I was trying to reach out to the other person. This has gone on for over 2 and a half years. I tried to tell everyone what I had found out recently because I don’t think it is fair what has happened and just wanted the order to be finally off my name. After finding out that it was my support staff that told the other person not to talk me and there was a contract that they had to sign. I even told the court what I’d found out.
I couldn’t follow the order. I made that clear to the court when they put it on. I wasn’t being intentionally defiant. I was being honest. A few weeks ago, I was that distressed over everything that had happened (not helped by an associate of the other person), that I got suicidal and decided that I’d rather be dead than go through any more proceedings. And, quite honestly, there is also a tiny part of me that will always miss the other person. I don’t want to ruin their career. But, this isn’t fair on me either. The numbers I started seeing since I met them and other weird things must have meant that we were meant to meet. This whole situation has ripped me apart. I was always honest. That is why I am annoyed that I’ve been punished for that honesty. It makes me feel like never being honest about myself again. However, this would feel unnatural to me.
Today I heard some news from my solicitor that will definitely result in me getting a prison sentence. I’m actually getting charged for telling everyone I’d had enough and was going to commit suicide. I did actually attempt it because I’ve had enough. It wasn’t to get at anybody. I told everyone the truth regarding what had gone on. I don’t deserve any more charges on my name for doing that. It is horrendously cruel. I can’t even do court. But, people are forcing me to be put in front of somewhere where I don’t belong. I don’t ask people to understand my disability. However, I do ask to not be punished for how it affects me.
I genuinely made mistakes because until the other day, I was not told how it was affecting the other person involved. I was never told that from when the situation started. I have always told others that they need to categorically spell it out to me. This wasn’t done for over 3 years after everything had happened (which could have been avoided). It is something to do with this area because when I lived down south I never was targeted by the law. I’m sick of being used for their targets. They get money for every conviction they process in this area (look it up and you’ll find it is true). I don’t deserve this treatment. I did what I did by accident. I wasn’t fully aware of the facts until very recently because I was not told. I don’t understand why the other person wants to hurt me so much. They know fully that I will get put into prison. They also are aware that the things that happened was my disability traits. It’s not fair if they’re being threatened by their work either because that forces them into a decision that isn’t in my best interests.
I never did the things I did on purpose. But, the system is purposefully doing this to me. Punishing me isn’t going to achieve anything. I’ve not received any support or understanding, which helps a lot more in this situation. They’re spending so much money in court, when they could be putting it into services to help people so that they don’t end up in court. It would actually be a lot cheaper. I was hoping that common sense would prevail. It seems that there is none around here. Unless things change at the last minute (which the probability of that is less than 1%), I’m going to be put through something I do not deserve. I’m sorry. I wish I could change what happened. I can’t do that though. I’m thick and naive but being punished for that isn’t fair. I try my best but it’s never good enough. I would never have been able to ‘lose my ocd’ as demanded. I explained my whole disability on here last night. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I’m being pushed into feeling hate and bitterness. I’m trying to get away from that because I’ve felt that all my life. I was starting to move on but now I’ve heard this today it’s opened a huge wound again. I know that people could help me out if they wanted to. They are hell bent on thinking that I deserve it. I do not. I’m not a threat to anyone. I have a sting in my temper and can say terrible things when I’m angry. But, really I am a pussy cat in a lions skin (not sure that is actual terminology but I’ve coined it now). I don’t really have a choice about the bitter sting because I’m on the Scorpio zodiac and that is a trait. I was pushed into a very unhappy situation where I thought that I had to fight everyone. I cared about the other person and hated myself for saying those things. I hated myself too when I found out what it had done to them. That was half the reason I tried to commit suicide out of guilt. I just want it all to be over. I can’t go through anymore. I was just being honest.
I did say that I was going to spend the summer holidays ‘educating’ the public. It was supposed to be in video format. However, I’m more comfortable explaining these things in written format. I’m going to start with a topic that is fairly straight forward for me. This is explaining my disability traits. I think it’s perhaps useful right now because of how much I’ve been officially judged. I’m fully aware that others do not understand because they punish me. I’m going to try to simplify things as much as possible for readers.
I am unable to see the world in the same way as others. I do not see roles or any type of boundary. That isn’t a natural thought pattern for me. I have an inbuilt belief that everyone is born equal, so they should remain equal regardless of what role they have in life. That also is partly because I’m intuitive and I really can’t pick and chose who I feel things from. That part of me is totally random. I sometime just blurt out what my intuition is saying in my head, then the other person is freaked out because they think I’ve obtained inside information. It is extremely hard to convince them how I actually know, especially if they’re not a believer in such abilities.
I’m annoyingly shy in offline life. I have no self confidence and I build up to talking to the other person. I do some things that may look a little strange to others. But, this is only because I’m quite afraid of people and I kind of check them out before properly approaching them. I know that it could look quite dodgy. This is why I am explaining it here.
In regards to my ocd emailing issue (which gets me into trouble). That is not as easy as people demand for me to give up. Stop isn’t something my brain knows how to do. It can do it when I’m not in meltdown mode. If I have something in my head that is to do with another person, then it will go round my head obsessively until I have to email it to someone. I’m not the type of person that can hold anything in, especially when nothing was finished after the whole university situation. I wanted to go back and challenge the exclusion, but my support service refused to help me and subsequently told me to say I didn’t want to go back. That’s not going to help my issues. That is going to cause more frustration (which is a trigger). I have been deeply unhappy because I never went back to where I wanted to be. I feel that I was punished for being honest and that we could have come to other compromises. There should be more options than point blankly it’s against the rules so you can’t stay. I was open and honest. I was the same with the court about not being able to stick to a legally enforceable order and they still put one on. I don’t think I can be anymore blunt than I have been in either case. It is the same as someone who can never walk, or someone who is blind. Both of them can’t be ‘forced’ to walk or to see because they do not have the capabilities. I don’t see how my disability makes it any different. I said the awful things I did because I was practically pushed into a fight that I never wanted. I didn’t want to say those things. I was trying to protect myself because I was made to feel under attack due to a lot of things my support service said to me. I’m not normally a nasty person but I felt like I’d been punished over and over again for just being honest about my condition. They weren’t even prepared to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for my disability. I was even told by the support service inside the university (NAS) what time I had to be asleep. I’ve never had a ‘normal’ sleep pattern and that isn’t a choice. It is natural for me to be awake at half 2 in the morning. I’ve always had that kind of sleep pattern since becoming an adult. I’ve always been able to sleep at that time and then get up at half 6 to get to college etc. I do feel better when I have more sleep. But, my point is, dictating to me when I sleep is stepping over that line to me. We all have our personal boundary lines. I’m quite relaxed where it comes to boundaries. But, when people start dictating to me in regards to my routine that I’ve always had… this is where I draw a line. I find it impossible to go to bed about 10 pm (which is when they were suggesting), if I do, then I wake up at 3 am and cannot sleep the rest of the night. I nap when I get home from whatever I’ve been doing and that is how I generally roll. I look forward to a nap more than a night’s sleep.
I’m quite sensitive. I feel everything very deeply. I know that I shouldn’t let things offend me too much because it only makes me feel awful. I get hurt so easily because I stupidly believe that everyone has good within them. I know that this is naive. I have over reacted in the past because I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve been told to be honest and trust others…. but, when I have it just went completely pear shaped for me. I have really wished for understanding. I will never get rid of my disability. The reasonable adjustments need to be put in because everything that has been done to me has triggered my ocd traits more. People think I deserve what I got because threatened the other person involved. I did that in desperation. That isn’t my character. I have my bad sides but I’m not that evil enough to deserve what was done to me or potentially what else could be done to me if this case isn’t ceased. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve hoping that people will listen and understand.
I did end up cancelling what I had on today because I just feel like I can’t deal with it at the moment. I am seriously feeling like I’m approaching meltdown mode and being around others is only going to trigger one. I prefer to spend time with my Cats because they are less confusing to me. I’m going to do some exercise but most likely not the Gym today. And this is only because I feel so lazy about spending yesterday in Bed. I put some red dye back on my hair last night to make myself feel a little more alive. I actually have hair that feels not dry right now (which is unusual). I blasted it with the blow dryer and put coconut oil through it. I put it up in a messy clip because I have stupidly thick hair (not that I’m complaining when I go out and I have much more volume in my hair than other females without having to backcomb etc). I’m trying to grow it and if it gets caught on things then it snaps.
I’m watching ‘The Wright Stuff’. A school government got caught importing a sex doll and had child pornography images found on his computer. I think that is horrendous. The job he did made it even worse. I am not a person that would ever do that but I’m seen the same because I’ve been labelled a criminal. Potential employers only see the record above everything else. That is the main reason I’m still quite annoyed at the whole situation because I didn’t have to get a criminal record I’d had been diagnosed and received treatment as a child. I’m not an evil person and this is how the label makes me feel because that is what the word association is to me when I think of criminal. I have been made an angry person because of the label (and the subsequent judgments from others I’d received it when I’ve had to declare it). I have said some awful stuff to people because of feeling punished. I didn’t have to be honest about my past. I am overly honest. That is one of my biggest qualities and also failures. I do have the ability to lie. But, it is so easy for others to push the truth out of me. I’m not good at holding information inside of me if I’m pressed.
The Kindred Soul Project was a great idea on paper. However, it’s going to take a lot of work. I won’t be able to do it on my own and it won’t take 5 minutes. I just wanted to set something up to compensate for the ‘lack of service available’. I grew up around here and know the services will fail future generations (like they did me). I don’t think I’m ready to run something like that though. I’d love to make it a reality. I don’t think it is practical right now because I do not feel like I’ve reached that point in my life where I’m confident enough. I just hate seeing people failed. Then they have to suffer because the system did not help them.
I have to get on with my Maths work now. It isn’t something I want to do, but I need to pass this qualification to move onto A levels or Access (whichever I decide to do).
There can only be one title for tonight’s blog entry and this is ugh. The reason being is because I’ve literally been so exhausted all day that I spent most of my time in bed. I’m not feeling too well. I was working on my college work in bed and doing other bits and pieces. I have to do something. I’m not a person who can be ill. I get bored too easily. I do not know the meaning of rest. I go for a two hour walk when I am not feeling great, proceeding to make myself feel ten times worse. I haven’t even been out for a walk since Friday. I went the Gym for half an hour last week but I just feel quite uninterested in exercise at the moment.
I have barely any energy to actually get up and do every day things properly, let alone do more intense physical exertion. I have to do my college work because that is something that is a priority. I try to do as much house work as possible (but I’m the type that only cleans and tidies when it starts to get noticeably grubby and untidy). I feel bad for spending most of the day in bed, despite working on things. It just feels like I’ve wasted the day in one place. I complain about my weight, but if I don’t move I will end up a size 16 (like I was in my early 20s). I am not particularly hungry. I had a few bits tonight. I couldn’t face a proper meal. I just don’t feel like I really want to eat. I feel full enough, even though I’ve only had a bag of crisps and a few milk chocolate finger biscuits. That is all I can face right now.
I had plans tomorrow. However, my anxiety is extremely high at the moment. I don’t want to go out. I dislike letting people down. But, if I still feel like this in the morning then I’m not going. I just cannot be around people right now. I even switched my social network chat option off. I don’t even want to talk to others. I’d rather no one took offence to that because it’s not personal. I’m suffering quite badly due to what is going on. I can’t help how I feel. I’m not trying to be difficult. I cannot go through what is coming and no one is listening to me. I’m so afraid. The medication I’ve started can’t rid me of fear because that isn’t part of my illness. That is what I’m going through. I’m getting less and less inclined to go out much at all. I can’t face other people because I just feel that I’ll get hurt again. I always have on many occasions because I’m naive and always say exactly what I feel (regardless whether it’s good or not). I know that the world doesn’t like those traits or will take advantage of them. I’d love to be more streetwise. I end up sounding nasty rather than assertive when I attempt to stick up for myself. I feel like a child that has never grown up. I see everyone around me and I’m stuck in time. I haven’t matured as fast as everyone else in mental maturity. I’m at least 10 years behind. I should be 20 this year, not 30. I do look younger. I am getting panicky over things that are going on. I’m constantly on edge and extremely jumpy. I even jumped out of my skin when when my alarm clock went off earlier. I was literally shaking because it struck fear into me (I know how lame that sounds, but it’s entirely true). I was left quite shaken up and on edge with anxiety and depression after the whole situation went through it’s process previous times.
I’m not like I used to be. I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s awful when you find out that you literally couldn’t trust anyone around you a few years previously (2 years afterwards). There is no way of trusting the system. They aren’t nice people that work within in. They’re actually making our lives worse. The orders social services gave in this situation certainly made things worse. I have made my feelings well and truly known. I wish I could do more in regards to legally taking a case to say that the local authority has never supported me properly. I need concrete evidence in the form of a paper trail (which I do not have). It’s not easy to prove exactly what has occurred behind my back. I’m going to always be unable to trust others because of them now. I won’t ever get rid of that part of me. Psychologically, the lack of support and wrong support has affected me. That is a form of damage which is covered under Tort (this is proof that I’ve been studying my law gcse today). I could also say that they caused the other person involved the same damage by leading me to believe that they were the one that was being awful towards me. If they hadn’t done those actions, then none of the other things would have happened. I feel guilty for my part in the situation. But, why should I take the whole blame when they were the ones telling me things that weren’t entirely true? The proportion of blame needs to be shared where it’s due. I’m not being scapegoated for everything because that isn’t fair. I don’t want anyone to get into trouble. I just want fairness. I want a career when I’ve got all my qualifications. That is potentially very difficult now all this has happened. One, due to my anxiety and Two, my record and the order which is going to make it current if it stays on. I’m completely honest about my disability traits. It’s not something I do on purpose. In an ideal world I shouldn’t be punished for it. There should be other options… however, we live in a mad world full of injustice and unhelpful solutions.
I’ve been interested in these kinds of subjects since I was a young child. I even remember that I used to want to be a Parapsychologist when I was quite young. I watched the television programme ‘Most Haunted’ and just was drawn into that field of interest. I’m still wanting to study psychology, therefore I may decide to specialise in that field of psychology. I find it easy to believe in these kinds of things because I’ve always had random abilities in the intuitive department. I had precognitive dreams since I was young. I just knew things that were going to happen by feelings that came into my head. I spoke about it because I honestly had no idea that not everyone could do it. I’m still quite open about that side of me. I know that some of the people I know make fun of it but I don’t particularly care. I was doing some spell work to manifest things I need in my life tonight. I do believe that it works. I just cannot prove that it works.
I don’t do spell work that often but I’m going through a difficult time and thought that it may help. I turn to this subject when I see no hope in the physical world. I hope that, if there is a spirit world and energies that surround us, that they will help me out. I can’t get the living to see who I truly am. The character that I have is misinterpreted by others. I know that the energies aren’t right at this moment in time. I feel them laying very heavily on me. I just want to do my best for myself and others. I’d love to be able to create a miracle but that may not happen even doing energy spell work. I believe in this sort of thing more than I do any organised religion. I simply cannot believe in a God that would allow the suffering that goes on in this world. It seems that religion has also become a source of conflict. There are people using religion as an excuse to do some horrendous things. The spiritual/wiccan life offers so much more peace than any traditional religion. Paganism was the original religion before the others were even developed. Christians may have burnt a lot of ‘alleged witches’ during the burning times; but still they used the Pagan festival ideas for their own celebrations (e.g Christmas, Halloween, May Day and Easter – known as Yule, Samhain, Beltane and Ostara in the Pagan calendar). Unlike organised religion, Spirituality and Paganism teaches you to connect with nature and be an individual, rather than a group of sheep. It empowers you to walk confidently as someone that is seen as a ‘freak of nature’ by others. It enables you to become ‘okay’ with that label and use it to your advantage. I absolutely despise normal now. I like different. I find anything normal boring. And then organised religions eg. Christianity believe in heaven and hell. I do hope that individuals that carry out the most horrendous acts do go to a place like hell (this is why I’m trying to desperately make up for the bad things I’ve done). But, I’m more inclined to believe the reincarnation theory (a pagan theory).
Paganism beliefs state that there is a Summerland. This is effectively a waiting area for souls to go through the process of reincarnation. We meet loved ones in this place and work on our souls to decipher whether we have learned our our intended lesson before we reincarnate into another life. I know that I’ve been here before and believe I am quite an old soul. I’ve had too many weird experiences that I can’t possibly explain. I believe that my previous lives weren’t pleasant because I feel that some of my issues are not from this lifetime. We don’t remember past lives, but we do carry energy with us from each lifetime. There is no way of knowing when our incarnation is going to end. We can pass over before our goals are reached in our lifetimes. I feel like I have a huge amount of soul baggage. I’m starting to calm down a little as I’m getting older. I felt extremely lost as a child and younger adult. I never knew why. I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, but there could be more too it on another level. I’ve always felt everything. The sensitivity that I have irritates me quite badly. I sometimes need peace and I just can’t get it because I pick things up and wake up from dreams that seem like they are telling me something. I don’t dream every night. That would drive me absolutely crazy.
I’ve trained myself to have snippets of dreams so that I can get proper sleep most of the time. I’ve had some very weird and quite brutal dreams recently. I even felt pain when I got smacked over the head with a metal bar in one of them. In another one, I got off a train on a dark journey and entered a grey scale mystical themed park. The dream was quite dark but I felt no fear. There were other details but I cannot mention them on a public blog because they are personal. I had an owl land in front of my car the other night when I was driving home and it just starred at me. A day later, I had that dream where I was knocked over the head with a metal bar (my head felt like it had been smashed in when I woke up for a few seconds). I’ve not had any more dreams since because I felt like I had to block everything off because I needed a break. I’ve seen owls quite a lot flying over my car when I’ve been driving but never look directly at me before. Owls have been a reoccurring theme for a few years now. I’ve had a lot of foxes run across the road in front of my car too. There’s suppose to be a meaning to them too. I’d love to talk all night about this topic, however, I do need sleep now.